Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Homeowner Responsibility

One of the most difficult things about being a first-time homeowner is suddenly taking on a thousand new responsibilities that I've never had to deal with before or, in some cases, had even contemplated. A lot of these are simple, but not being in the habit of remembering to do them turns the task into a new source of anxiety, simple or not.

You guys. I don't have room for new anxieties right now. GLEE HAS STILL NOT BEEN CLEANSED FROM AMERICA.

My neighbors can probably testify about the anxiety thing as they've now seen me on four separate occasions running the garbage bin out to the street, barefoot and half naked, on a Wednesday morning as the garbage man watches with amusement from one house away.

YOU'RE WELCOME, NEIGHBORS.

I feel like the garbage man and I have a perfectly synchronized dance that we are able to practice on a weekly basis. My bin is thrust into the arms of the garbage truck at the exact moment the wheels screech to a halt. If I don't let go at precisely the right time, I'll be launched into the air. In December I referred to this performance as "The Trashcracker." Now I call it "Swan Garbage."

It's all really beautiful if you think about it. And I'm typically dressed for the part anyway, although not purposefully.

Then there's the whole mail issue. Look. I know this isn't the first time in my life that I've had to check the mail. But for some reason it only occurs to me about once a week that people are still communicating in this way. In the past, remembering to check the mail was simple. Because I always lived in some apartment complex and would have to pass the locked mailbox to get to the elevator anyway. Now I've got a mailbox in a place I don't traverse by foot often.

The mail builds up for several days and every time I realize this has happened I can hear Cathie's screaming in my head, "BURGLARS  AND CRACK WHORES ARE GOING TO THINK YOU ARE OUT OF TOWN IF YOU LET YOUR MAILBOX FILL UP THAT WAY!"

Then I spend the rest of the evening faking a large holiday party with cardboard cutouts and battery-powered toy trains just like Kevin did on Home Alone. Also I blush because my Cathie mind-voice said "crack whores."

And did you guys know that door-to-door salesmen can just walk right up to your door? And you HAVE to buy whatever they're selling or it's super awkward.

In the last week I've purchased 12 knife sets, half a dozen security systems, and become a Jehovah's Witness. Twice.

This new mandatory missionary work is really eating up my time right now.

Also, WHERE ARE THE GIRL SCOUTS?! 95% of the reason I bought the damn house in the first place was because I was assured that Girl Scouts go door-to-door with their cookies in neighborhoods like this. How am I supposed to buy all of the shortbread cookies in the greater Salt Lake area if nobody is awkwardly forcing them on me in the comforts of my own property?

TROOP BEVERLY HILLS LIED TO US.

Everybody lied to us. Owning a home is awesome. But also stressful. Stressful because buying the house quadrupled my responsibilities but neglected to quadruple my responsibility.

It's Tuesday night and here I sit, a mailbox full of junk mail, garbage bins resting idly in front of the garage, a spread of Watchtower magazines on my kitchen table, and NO Girl Scout cookies.

AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA.

~It Just Gets Stranger

23 comments:

  1. "Crack Whore" is not part of my vocabulary! But, Buglars is! And Robbers! And it is a very good idea to pick up your mail each day because of those two words. Never put checks in your mailbox overnight either. Just sayin'. And....it might help a little bit to put up a No Soliciting sign however, most solicitors don't think THEY are soliciting which is just crazy talk!

    Xoxoxo. Cathie (and yes, this is really me)

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    1. Mom, what's a check? I don't think people use those anymore...

      Lol

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    2. And how do YOU know what that is?!

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  3. Both my girls are selling girl scout cookies! We live in the Houston area, but I will ship them to you when they come in (after 2/9/15)! What do you want? A dozen boxes of shortbread? Got it! (They also have this CocoDirect website where you can order them online and you pay for the shipping - I can send you an email!) Oh boy! This will be so much fun! But they will be sitting out on your front porch and you won't want the crack whores, "buglers" (sorry Cathie!!!) and robbers getting them. Better check your mail often.

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    1. Where in Houston? I'm in the Spring area and love me some GS cookies. : )

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  4. The garbage men need entertainment too Eli. If people like you weren't running out there half naked trying to get your garbage out on time, then where would the joy be in their lives? THINK OF THE GARBAGE MEN!!!

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  5. Girl Scout Cookies only went on sale recently - you should have a dozen or so little girls knocking on your door soon . . . or not - because you run out to the street half-naked with your garbage can every week and their mothers won't let them come near your house . . . .

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  6. My cousin's daughter was in the girl scouts, up in Preston Idaho, and they were told they could only go door to door if they knew people in the houses. They weren't allowed to sell in neighborhoods where they didn't know anyone. Now I just drive around looking to see if they've set up a table at any of the grocery stores, gas stations, or Walmarts. I'm starting to feel creepy, they should just have an app showing you where the next popup GS cookie sale will be, but then again that feels creepy too. Dang it.

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    1. if you go to the girl scouts website and click "find cookies" punch in your zipcode it tells you where the booths will be setup and what days. :)

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  7. I have done the "Swan Garbage" dance too! The worst/funniest time is when I heard the garbage truck on the next street over while I was in the shower. I figured that I would just leave it another week because I hadn't filled up the can yet. Then I remembered that I had cleaned out the fridge the night before...I didn't want that sitting in the can for another week. I ran out of the shower soaking wet and threw on some sweats to take the can out to the curb. The worst part is that it was about 15F outside and I was only out there for less than a minute. When I went back inside, my soaking wet hair had frozen solid as well as my wet clothes. It was like I had long icicles hanging from my head.

    It's hard to remember to do EVERYTHING when you live in a house by yourself!! No judgment from me.

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  8. I think it's awesome that Cathie reads your blogs. Anyway, how about a reminder board by the entrance/exit that you do use. Or maybe you can use that thing that beeps at you when it's time to do something. I think it's called a smart phone. By they way, your hair looks great!

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  9. We've been in our house for two years and have never once had a scout of the female gender visit us. Male gender, either, for that matter. I've also never been visited by a Mormon, Adventist, or any other religious organization. Wait - a Baptist came to a rental house once and woke us up. My husband opened the door, shirtless, to see a very well-dressed man with his two very well-dressed children. I don't think we made a good impression.

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  10. Wait until you remember that you haven't changed the air filter on your A/C Heater in the past 6 months. That will give you nightmares.

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    1. Crap...you just reminded me. Hopefully I'll remember AGAIN when I get home!

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  11. I am a relatively new homeowner myself, so I feel your pain. I left my phone book to rot in my driveway, all sodden and icky from the rain, because going out there to get it was annoying. And also I forgot. My neighbor eventually picked it up and put it in my recycling bing because it was, and I quote, "Driving [her] plumb crazy to keep looking at it laying on the road." Heh.

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  12. This is why I choose to rent. Forever. Because of that whole responsibility thing. I just don't have it.

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  13. It has been a year ago last October that checks were stolen out of my mailbox and fell into the hands of a criminal ring in SLC. I kid you not. Many thousands of dollars in forged checks popped up all over the Wasatch front! Today I got yet another letter in the mail from the authorities informing me of the legal proceedings and prosecution of the nefarious bad guy types they are hopefully putting behind bars as I type this. This time in federal court. So far, four (or five?) people have been arrested and prosecuted. Checks and mailboxes. BAD COMBO!

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  14. Girl Scout cookies go on sale tomorrow!! My daughter is selling for the very first time this year! I'll ship some to you if you give me an address.

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  15. "Beverly Hills What a Thrill!!!!"
    One of my favorite movies EVER and I'm not even ashamed to admit it!!! 😜

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  16. Really reaching for material here. You need a vacation.

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  17. http://cookielocator.littlebrownie.com/council_sales/find.mobile

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