Tuesday, January 27, 2015

My Garage

I keep finding this weird stuff in my house because it was built sometime right after cavemen developed the first tool. Ok, so it's not quite that old. I exaggerated. I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

The house was built in 1925. I'm positive that at least 70 people have died in it. I think this is generous because it presumes less than one in-house death per year. And by the way, if current trends continue, there will never be a death in this house again because I have owned it for almost two months now and not a single person has died yet.

I GUESS I'M A PRETTY GOOD HOMEOWNER.

I wish I could say the same for the "screams per month because I thought I saw a ghost" statistic.

This weekend I ventured to my garage to do some thorough exploring. I looked through the garage very briefly when I was considering buying the home but I didn't really look carefully. And since moving in, I haven't ventured out there.

I don't park in the garage yet because it has too much stuff in it and my car won't fit inside. The plan is to make room for the car eventually but that plan has taken a back seat to much more important things like eating and tv.

I sort of assumed that anything interesting would likely have been cleaned out of this place by the previous owner because I think that's just what you do when you move away from a place. I mean, when I left my apartment in December, I made sure to take my Snuggie with me (aka, the only interesting item I own). I did not, however, take with me all of the grime and dust left on every surface.

I don't totally understand the laws of the land, but I half expect the police to come and take me away any day now for how messy that place was when I turned in my key.

Guys. I didn't have time to clean it. BECAUSE EATING AND TV.

Well, as it turns out, the prior owner of my house did not quite get around to removing every interesting thing from it. And I discovered this was true when I found the following machine on Saturday inside the garage.

video

I'm just assuming that video worked. I don't know. I don't understand the Internets. In case it didn't, here's a picture.


I posted this on what the kids are calling the Instagrams and Strangers everywhere informed me that it was a "grinder" or a "buffer" or something the devil uses to gather souls. I'm still not totally sure what I'm supposed to do with it, but since I don't know what eternal being is responsible for it being on my property, I'm trying to respect it for now by calling it "Great One" and laughing at all its jokes.

Also, these things are in my garage.





My garage is basically like the Antiques Roadshow but without all the old white people.

If I was more of a hipster, I could probably be more excited about all of this. But not enough people are promoting the hipster cause yet for me to want to join in.

~It Just Gets Stranger

30 comments:

  1. Was the former owner a skater? That machine looks like a blade sharpener for skates.

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  2. HOLY COW I believe that's welding/blacksmithing/wood shop materials. Like, serious handyman stuff. I'm so jealous right now.

    Not even kidding. UGH. So brilliant.

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  3. Your little setup reminds me of, House of 1000 corpses, The hills have eyes, Texas chainsaw massacre, and every other horror movie that involves a torture/dismemberment center.

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  4. The former owner had a serious woodshop. My husband can only dream of one like that ...

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    1. That's what I was going to say. Looks like the previous owner was a handyman or just enjoyed wood/metal working. You should see my dad's woodshop, I swear he has half the tools just to say he owns them, I've never seen most of them in use. That metal thing looks like a fireplace grate, or a rack for roasting the hearts of your enemy, one of those two things. My favorite part of the post was reading and attorney saying this "I don't totally understand the laws of the land".

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  5. Eli's next post will be a giveaway - comment to enter, share the post on the other internets (Facebook, Twitter, the instagram) for additional entries! One lucky winner will get "all that crap in the garage, including the dust and grime!"

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  6. YOU KNOW WHAT ELI!!!! This post WREAKS of exaggeration. I mean C'MON! As if a grinder even exists! Geez you're such a liar that I can't even take reading this anymore.

    But yeah, that's a grinder. You use it for sharpening tools. You can sharpen skates with it as well, but it looks like the guy was a handyman of some sort.

    One thing I want to warn you about. I'm looking at the pictures of the electrical in that garage and you may want to get Matt to take a look at it because I believe I see electrical tape wrapped around some wiring, and that's just not safe. Not to mention that looks like old knot and tube wiring going through that garage. I'm not trying to scare you (as it's lasted this long) but just to be safe you may want to turn the electricity off to the garage. Just turn off the breaker in the house or where ever it is. Again, this is just from looking at the pictures, but better to be safe then sorry.

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    1. I agree that the electrical components should be considered for inspection. 1925 was a good year for crappy wiring.

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    2. Am I going to die?!? What if the whole house has such wiring? Should I burn it down as a preemptive measure?

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    3. Well joke's on you Lee because the middle question isn't a yes or no question.

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    4. That's because you didn't know the secret "read between the lines answer" which was:

      Yes, pull apart the whole house and redo all the wiring.

      But now you're thinking, "well, if I redo all the wiring, why would I burn down the house Mr. Fancypants?" And the "read between the lines" answer for that is:

      Yes, because ELI!

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    5. I'm so jealous that you called him out on the exaggeration and lies before I did.

      Nice hair by the way Eli . . . .

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    6. knob and tube electric is perfectly safe IF (and that's a big IF) you don't overload your system (i.e. plug in a hair dryer while vacuuming) or touch the wires or cover them with insulation.

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    7. You know what, I have to be candid with you: Sometimes I read these posts because of Eli, and sometimes to check out Lee's responses. And Eli ALWAYS (usually) comments back. Makes me feel emulous.

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    8. HI JAY! I like your shirt today! Is that haircut new?!

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    9. You know what they say ... twice up the barrel, once down the side (or was it the other way around?)

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    10. Jay, to tell you the truth. It's because Eli is jealous of my awesomeness. It's sad really. But, people like you and I....we have to do what we can for the little people.

      ...that and I never know when to shut up. Fortunately you'll get a break from me next week as I'll be in Mexico...hopefully having a good time.

      Nicole, you and I seem to think alike. The Up On the Soapbox song thingy in the last blog and now this.

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    11. Aww yeah! Thanks Eli, the haircut isn't new, and this shirt is up for borrowing.

      Lee, can I take over for you while you're in Mexico? The fans of our awesomeness need Lee-ness on all the posts. I wouldn't know about future electrical stuff, but I can fake it.

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  7. You have got some scary sketchy electrical work going on in that garage of yours.

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  8. I think it's perfectly clear what that machine is. It's a torture device. The previous owner was Leatherface's cousin.

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    1. "Hi neighbor. You want to borrow a shovel, huh? Well come right here into the garage and let's see what we can do about that request." {whirring machine noise} "Want to borrow anything else? I thought not."

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    2. I would definitely consider it a torture device : ) My husband lost part of his thumb to a grinder last year.

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  9. What I learned from this post and all it's comments thus far in abbreviated form:
    1) Eli bought a haunted house previously owned by a handyman, ice skater, that may dismember people in his garage that he probably build himself, but he didn't know crap about wiring. 2) Lee's really good at reading between the lines and answering questions asked or not asked between the lines as well. 3) Eli's garage will likely burn down either because "Eli", "scary sketchy electrical work" or "something the devil uses to gather souls" resides there. I can't wait for the next post to see what else I can learn.

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    1. Bridge, from now on I request, nay DEMAND, that you provide a similar abbreviated rendition of every Stranger post and its accompanying comments.

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    2. Bridge - I am with Eli. BEST. RESPONSE. EVER!!!!!!!!!

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  10. Just check out the wiring of your house thoroughly. Better safe than sorry. We bought a 1932 house where they assured us that all the wiring had been replaced and had a brand spanking new circuit board in the basement (also a great place to find interesting things!). When we decided to do some renovations and opened up a wall, we found all cloth wiring throughout the house. Turns out they installed a new board and connected about 6 feet of new wires to the existing cloth wires. Nice. We would have sued them, but knew we wouldn't be getting any recompense considering they had not 1 but 2 creditors waiting for money they owed them at the closing, which took over 8 hours. The creditors stayed the entire time. Sometimes you just take a deep breath and write a check.

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  11. I'm starting to think your home inspector was less than thorough. Or you just weren't listening when he told you what potential hazards were lurking in the garage. Knowing you, it was probably the latter.

    Also, do you know for a fact that your car will even fit in the garage? When we lived in an older - or more politically correct - "wiser" house, we could barely fit our car in the garage. My husband had to let me out before he drove all the way in because only one car door could open at a time. I think it was built for a carriage and wouldn't you know we had JUST traded our carriage in on that new-fangled car that wouldn't fit.

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  12. Please post pictures when you find the bodies - and selfies taken at the time of unearthing are expected.

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