Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Rebecca Paints the Floor

Ring ring.

Eli: Respecta!

This is the stage name I have chosen for Rebecca.

Rebecca: Eli. I'm trying to get a hold of Matt to ask him some important home repair questions. But he isn't answering.

Eli: Well you can ask me those questions, too.

Rebecca: No offense, but you don't know anything.

Eli: OFFENSE TAKEN!

Rebecca: Eli, let's skip this whole song and dance where you claim to be competent in an area where we both know neither of us is competent.


Eli: I'll have you know that I fixed a VERY complicated electrical problem in my home all by myself this weekend.

Rebecca: What was the problem?

Eli: Well, you see, the light went out in the kitchen--

Rebecca: And you changed the light bulb?

Eli: Well I had to get out a chair first and stand on it. Plus I had to unscrew the light fixture thing to get to the light bulb AND I had to figure out whether the light bulb had burned out.

Rebecca: Anything else you want to add to your home improvement resume?

Eli: Sweeping.

Rebecca: Ok. Anyway, I wanted to ask Matt for some advice on painting the floor in my front room.

Rebecca's front room desperately needs addressing. It's a very old hardwood floor that appears to have been painted white previously. Most of that paint has been worn or scraped off, probably by devil worshipers.

Eli: So, you need him to tell you how to paint the floor?

Rebecca: Well, no. I already know how to do that. I was hoping he would approve my color choice.

Eli: How do you know how to paint a floor? Have you ever done anything like that before?

Rebecca: It's common sense. Anyone can paint a floor.

Eli: Oh really, Give me a step-by-step.

Rebecca: Well, you just pour the paint out and spread it around. It only takes like ten minutes.

Eli: For the love of all that is holy, please include a few questions for Matt about how to paint your floor.

Rebecca: You don't think it's that simple?

Eli: Look. I've never painted anything in my life. But I can tell you right now that "pour the paint out and spread it around" are not the real instructions for any activity unless you're in Kindergarten or one of those really weird hippie places where everyone is naked and trying to express themselves.

Rebecca: Europe?

Eli: Yes.

~It Just Gets Stranger

16 comments:

  1. I feel a trip to hippie Europe coming on. At least we'd finally find ourselves in a situation where we could not only have our hair praised, but not be criticized for taking our clothes off in a public setting. When do we leave?

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    1. Yes, a group field trip to weird hippie Europe is definitely in order.

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  2. This is literally where the phrase about "painting yourself into a corner" comes from. So remember or tell Respecta to remember that. That's my valuable two cents of knowledge on the subject.

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  3. I think Respecta should start her own home improvement blog! With how-to videos of course!

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  4. I know it's more work, but are the hardwoods worth saving or do they look like crap? I'm asking because it would probably be nicer if she were to refinish the existing hardwoods rather then...uggh...painting the floor. Sorry, but in my opinion, you just don't paint floors anymore (unless it's to put a clear finish on hardwoods). Although if it was previously painted, the white probably got into the cracks of the hardwood and even if you were to refinish you could see the white in the seams.

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    1. She has looked for every possible way to do just that, but the floor in that room is in pretty bad shape. She thought that the best thing for now would be to paint the floor and then sometime down the road get a new floor put it altogether. Unfortunately it doesn't seem possible to save what's already there.

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    2. I had a feeling. That's probably the smart way to go for now then. Most of those old homes with hardwoods aren't salvageable unless the previous owner took really good care of them. Especially if they painted them. Give her this, it will help with what she needs to do:
      http://www.elledecor.com/home-remodeling/punch-list/how-to-paint-wood-floor

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    3. I used to do quotes for a hardwood floor refinisher. More than likely, the floors she has have been refinished too many times. Everytime you refinish a floor, you sand off an layer. Turn of the century homes MAYBE have 3 refinishes in them. Usually a quality refinisher won't even try that 3rd time. You can check the thinkness of your planks by looking at them where a heat register can be removed. You need about an 1/8 inch of the top layer of oak to be able to refinish the floor. Otherwise, as your sanding off the top layer, you begin to hit that underbinding wood.

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  5. Tell her to use Annie Sloan Chalk Paint. Sand any parts of the floor that look like it absolutely needs it. No other prep needed. Paint, let it dry, the follow with ASCP laquar. After that dries, she's good to go.

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  6. She's painting the floor? Is Respecta Russian? Has she wallpapered the ceiling yet?

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  7. Since sweeping is on your home improvement resume, you can at least recommend that she sweep before painting the floor. :)

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  8. If she's going to paint it would be best to sand uneven areas, put down primer and then paint. Also put a top coat on if possible. It's not a ten minute project at all, maybe a weekend or maybe hire someone to do it might be better.

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  9. Thank you guys for making me feel more competent as a homeowner.

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