Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The Wind Beneath My Wings

This thing keeps happening where Matt shows up and does all of this complicated and probably dangerous work in my house with minimal effort and only half his attention and it makes me think that I can also do all of this work. It seems so easy. Then he leaves his tools all over my place and so when he's gone I start picking them up and using them to break stuff that he then has to come back and fix.

I'm concerned that the price Matt pays for friendship with me is about one ounce of effort away from becoming too expensive so I've been trying extra hard lately to give him candy and tell him very nice things. Yesterday, for example, I sent him a text telling him that he is "the wind beneath my wings" after he told me he would be by at 6:00 to survey the damage from this weekend's solo attempts at home improvement.

I sometimes think Matt doesn't care about these pronouncements because he never responds to them. Matt has a generally cranky demeanor. He doesn't smile that much. And the majority of the time he is with either me or Rebecca, he scowls at us as we do or say whatever nonsensical thing we are doing or saying.


But last night as he and Ollie were leaving and I began my five-minute process of saying goodbye to Ollie, during which I swear to you that I kiss him on the lips multiple times AND I'M NOT ASHAMED, something caught me off guard. I was in the middle of cradling Ollie like a baby and telling him positive affirmations as he looked up into my eyes when I said that Ollie was the wind beneath my wings.

Matt, who had been impatiently waiting at the door, foot a-tapping, but not saying anything because he now knows that such an interruption will only delay the farewell process, immediately and harshly quipped, "I THOUGHT I WAS THE WIND BENEATH YOUR WINGS!"

There was no smiling when he said it. No humor in his tone. He was serious. He was jealous of his puppy for receiving the same and now-cheapened accolades he was gifted only a few hours earlier.

Matt had come over because on Sunday I nearly destroyed my home and probably the greater Salt Lake area when I attempted to replace a light switch with a new dimmer switch because I LIKE SEXY LIGHTING SO SUE ME. It was a simple project Matt was going to do while helping me replace light fixtures last week but then he ran out of time and told me he would just come back later for the switch.

Eli: Is it a difficult job?

Matt: No. It's really simple.

Eli: So anyone can do it?

Matt: Yes. Even Ollie could do it.

Eli: So should I just do it on my own?

Matt: . . . um . . . maybe just wait until I can come back.

It was offensive, although not unjustified. Merely moments before that conversation I had asked Matt if it was really necessary to turn off the power just to rewire a light fixture.

But Matt left. And he left his tools scattered about. So after a few days passed and once I started feeling pretty confident about my abilities because you don't get to be 30 by spending three decades doing things that kill you, I decided to go for it.

Twenty minutes later I was texting Matt pictures of broken wires sticking out of a light socket and their corresponding pieces now sitting in my hand. Matt promptly responded that I was to put the plastic thing back over the hole, keep the power off, and not touch anything until he was there.

He and Ollie showed up last night with spare wires and other objects I had never seen before. He went to work on it while Ollie and I rolled around on the floor and told each other secrets. Twenty minutes later Matt turned the power back on and demonstrated my beautifully dimming front room light.

I guess it's understandable that Matt was upset that I made him share the honor of being the wind beneath my wings with his dog considering everything he does for me. So after much discussion, I have decided that Matt is now the exclusive provider of wind beneath Tami's wings.


And that's saying something. Because Tami doesn't usually take no help from nobody.

~It Just Gets Stranger

16 comments:

  1. I was simultaneously entertained and horrified by the return of Tami.

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  2. I suggest that you sing "the wind beneath my wings" to Matt.

    It's your only hope.

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  3. I follow Stranger on Bloglovin' (where you can read posts from your favorite blogs without having to go to them individually), and you get a snippet of text and an image if there is one... I will not be checking my Bloglovin' feed for a few days...

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    1. You know, discrimination is discrimination no matter who it's against. Tam tam has feelings, too. They are mostly vindictive and catty, but they are feelings just the same.

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    2. Tami, you are beautiful no matter what they say. Or meow.

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    3. Some people just can't handle REAL beauty.

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    4. Just when I think I can't love Tami anymore, you go and call her "Tam Tam."

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  4. Oh Tami, how we've missed you.

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  5. NOT THAT HE KNOWS WHAT SEXY LIGHTING IS, CATHIE!

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  6. I feel that this should have come with a Tami alert at the top because I was just scrolling down all innocent-like until...well, let's just say my tummy was already weak today and that did not help. A warning, please!

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    1. But Tami is a woman who needs no introduction.

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  7. I think I love the Strangers far too much for my own good.
    Also, your hair looks great. Tami needs a trim though. Maybe a little off the top?

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    1. These comments need a "like" button. :-D

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  8. Sooooo, I lost my toe nail just a few weeks before you did (tragic can of beans falling off the counter accident, there was a vigil for the nail, sorry I didn't invite Tami but she didn't exist yet) ANYWAY! Is your toenail fully restored yet? Because mine is growing really slowly now.

    By the way your hair looks fabulous have you done something new to it?

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    1. This reminds me of a funny story. My son and one of his cousins are born on the same day, exactly one year apart (my son is the eldest). Many years ago when they were 5 and 6, the cousin (Philip) dropped something on his toe and it was all sorts of grossness but the nail was stubbornly clinging to the toe and he refused to let anyone touch it to get it off even though it bothered him quite a bit. So one day we are all visiting my sister's new house and I notice when walking up the stairs that Philip is walking a bit oddly. I said "Your toenail hasn't come off yet?" and before he could answer, my son looked at me in dismay and said "I'm older than he is and none of MY toenails has come off yet!"

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  9. I had a similar experience when I accidentally called the wrong brother 'princess cheese head'. The brother at whom that affectation was regularly directed got very huffy and offended. Apparently he liked it or something.

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