Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Did Eli Get the Garbage Bins Out?

The Stranger community really pulled through this week. I got tweets. I got emails. I got Facebook messages. Several of you left comments on the most recent post. Comments which were entirely unrelated to what I had written that day. All efforts were made by Strangers everywhere to make sure that I, Eli Whittlebottom McCann, got the garbage bins out to the street by Wednesday morning.

On a side note, I'm starting to forget what my real middle name is anymore.

You guys. You started posting comments and sending reminders on Tuesday morning. And I was like, "gee thanks. While you're at it, remind me to retire when I'm 65." Because I really didn't think that reminding me that far in advance was going to be effective.

I knew on Sunday that the garbage bins needed to be out on the street Wednesday morning. It doesn't help me to remember that on Sunday. Or on Tuesday morning. Or at any other moment in time than on Tuesday evening at 11:38 PM, right before I go to bed.


But as it turned out, so many reminders came throughout the day that it was constantly on my mind all the way from Tuesday morning until Tuesday evening at 11:38 PM. And when Tuesday evening rolled around, I strutted the Hell out of those garbage bins down my narrow driveway to the street and I was even wearing pants this time.

Well. Shorts. Not pants.

Fine. Long underwear. But it was dark. So The Perfects next door probably thought they were shorts. And it's very unlikely that they noticed that I wasn't wearing a shirt.

And you know what? On Wednesday, after the trash was collected, I moved the bins all the way back up the driveway before any of my immediate neighbors moved theirs back.

TAKE THAT THE PERFECTS!

But now I'm becoming exceedingly concerned that you guys are going to assume that this was a one-time assignment. That you guys are going to pat yourselves on the back for doing this admittedly very responsible thing, and you're going to think you don't need to do it again.

Let me be clear: trash pickup happens every single week.

It is not a one-time thing. I know this, because every week I hear the garbage truck drive right on by my house after collecting the perfectly organized and probably nice-smelling trash from The Perfects. And the eye-rolling from the garbage man and the rest of the neighborhood when they see that I was too irresponsible to remember to put mine out onto the street is so aggressive that one out of five people in Salt Lake City experience vertigo for the rest of the day.

This was not a one-time deal. You are hereby committed for the rest of your lives to make sure I remember to do this. And if you die before me (and you probably will because I've been eating a balanced breakfast three days a week lately), your children are to assume the responsibility. They have to. It's not a choice. It's in the Bill of Rights and the Constitution and the Magna Carta. Trust me. I'm a lawyer. Everything I say about the Constitution has to be true.

Also, if you could babysit Tami every once in a while, that would be appreciated as well.

~It Just Gets Stranger

33 comments:

  1. Oh, that reminds me. It's garbage day at my house in the morning. *sigh* I'm as bad as you, Eli! And I don't have minions to remind me. (My minions are all under 15 years-old and don't speak English. I mean, sure, they use English words, but they obviously don't understand. When I say 'Do your chores' and they say, 'Sure, I'll play video games all day,' it's pretty clear that they don't speak English.)

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    1. There's this new thing called "a beating". Works really well.

      ;)

      OR...you could just turn off the breaker to that particular area of the house and lock the electrical box...that works too.

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    2. NO LEE! Think of the angry moms on the Internet! Trust me! I speak from experience on this one!

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    3. Go Lee, put to be "politically correct" we can't beat our children, we spank them. See it sounds so much better when you say Spanking.

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    4. We are going to do this awesome thing called a computer 'fast' for the next week. Starting the end of the day today, I shut down all the computers and take away other electronic devices and no one looks at a screen until after Easter. They will discover that there are real things in the world. Like cleaning the garage. And the outside world. :)

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    5. LOL

      Good idea swingwise. Always good for everyone to do an electronic fast once in a while actually.

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  2. You got it, man-with-the-thunderously-terrific-hair! Do you want any specific form of contact, or do we just stick to the variety that you mentioned in your post?

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  3. This is really random and not related to trash bins, your lack of clothing choices, or the judginess of those located in the Salt Lake area otherwise known as The Perfects. I work in the kitchen of a restaurant and we have a couple that go by the names of Bob and Kathy who frequent our establishment often (now, in all honesty here, I haven't read your blog in a good while, so me telling you this little story is all based on the foggy memory that I have that your parents names are Bob and Kathy... Cathy?) Anyways, they are a special couple in regard to the special request (that they always have) that we "burn" the bread for them. Part of my job is making the bread so this request comes directly to me, and so whenever I hear that Bob and Kathy are here, it always makes me think something along the lines of this: "What if this Bob and Kathy is the same Bob and Kathy that Eli McCann calls his parents? That would be so cool! It would also explain their request for burnt bread..." Anywho, I just thought I'd share my most likely coincidental Bob and (looking to the right hand side of my screen I now see I've been spelling it wrong) Cathie story with you

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    1. I hope you don't get sued for breaking HIPPA!

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    2. how does HIPPA apply to a restaurant?

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    3. HIPPApotamus's are cool.

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    4. Did this Cathie you speak of pull a lemon out of her purse or dip this bread in her diet coke? If so then YES it's the same Cathie.

      We love our Cathie, quirks and all!

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  4. Listen up Eli...you need to find a RESPONSIBLE woman, marry her, then she can kick you in the butt on trash day. It's a very simple solution. WHY DO I HAVE TO THINK UP EVERYTHING FOR YOU ALWAYS!!!??

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    1. Have I ever written anything on this blog to lead you to believe that I know responsible people?

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    2. He's got you there, Lee.

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    3. That's very true. Hmm...have you tried leaving your house...fully clothed of course...and meeting new people? A good housecleaning of your friends every once in a while is a good thing to do. Just kick them out to the curb and then you can make new friends. Responsible friends....friends that don't take off their cloths to take out the trash.

      Also, isn't your mom pretty responsible? Find someone like her. I'm surprised she hasn't tried fixing you up with people. My mom and I were in a costco like...15 years ago, and we were at the till she see's someone she knows with her daughter at another till 3 or 4 rows away and she yells out "Hey so and so...how are you? Is that your daughter? Is she single?" Doesn't your mom do that to you? Cause if not....you know....NO FAIR!

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    4. "just kick them out to the curb."

      I swear Lee, sometimes it's like you're not paying attention at all. Getting things to the curb is his WEAKNESS.

      On the other hand, you and I are still here, so let's not get him too excited about cleaning out his friends list. What would we do without each other?

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    5. You are so right Kjax. Why am I so off today? It could be from reading too many of Eli's blog posts. That could be the cause. Is his condition infectious?

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  5. Will somebody build Eli an ifttt recipe so that he'll get a reminder to take out the garbage on Tuesday night? I would, but I don't have an iPhone, so I can't activate the iOS channel. Or grab his phone and set a never ending calendar appointment.

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  7. Agggh! Everyone was so busy reminding you that they forgot to remind ME! Thursday's THE DAY around here and I've been listening to the garbage truck rattling around the neighborhood all morning. Of course, it's picking up everyone else's trash at 8:00 but came by for mine at 5:30

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  8. Mine only gets remembered because the neighbor's all have thiers out. I normally notice as I am backing in the driveway after working job #2 and have just worked a million hours and am too tired to stop the vehicle, get out of the vehicle, walk up the driveway, drag it all out, and then proceed to finish parking the vehicle. While mumbling language that would make Cathie cry in horror. Just watch for your neighbor's garbage. If theirs is out, chances are, yours should be, too. Either that, or they are all conspiring against you, and are just putting thiers out to see if you will fall for it and drag yours out, too.

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  9. That's why I have a roommate. She does the remembering so I don't have to.

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    Replies
    1. See Eli!!! SEE!!! This is how it's done. Good job Karen.

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  10. I live our garage bin on the curb. 24/7.

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  11. Although my comment has nothing to do with this post, I still wanted you to know. It's been awhile since I've heard the phrase "twice up the barrel once down the side" but as I was driving down the street I was talking to myself and I used this phrase. And it fit perfectly into my conversation. My only regret is that I was talking to myself and not to another human being who could have asked me what that even means.

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  12. Long time reader, first time to post!!
    I have the hardest time remembering when our trash man runs and he comes not once, BUT TWICE a week... Which is insane. I moved to Houston from a small town and we always had to hope that they would come by on Friday there, and if they didn't we were fit to be tied!
    However, they probably have to run twice a week because they don't issue us those nice, big bins... Nope, we still have the crappy tiny ones you buy at the hardware store.

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  13. I think it's time to invest in a steel drum for the back yard where you can burn your waste on your own schedule.

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  14. This will make you jealous- my parents' trash collector walks up their driveway, opens their shed, takes all the bagged trash and walks it back to his truck.

    They live in a small town and are probably paying through the nose for trash collection but still... how great would it be to not have to remember?!

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    1. I think in Eli's case they'd have to go into his house and empty all his garbage bins for him.

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  15. "And the eye-rolling from the garbage man and the rest of the neighborhood when they see that I was too irresponsible to remember to put mine out onto the street is so aggressive that one out of five people in Salt Lake City experience vertigo for the rest of the day." That was hysterical.

    Also, prepare to be jealous: In Ohio, my trash was picked up once a week. Then I moved to Virginia, and it was collected twice a week. Now, I live in Mexico, and it is picked up THREE TIMES a week. Seriously. The trash collectors come on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so it's kind of impossible to forget, because I can pretty much take it out any day I want and within a day or so, the bin will be empty. It's almost like magic.

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  16. Nice-smelling trash? Like, their boo-boo may smell like roses?

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  17. I grew up in a very rural part of the United States (like, it doesn't get any more rural than living on a dirt road called Hidden Creek Trail). Well every Wednesday night my brother and I were in charge of putting the regular garbage bags into sturdier black bags, tagging them, and driving them a half mile down the dirt road to a wooden collection bin. Being the responsible teenagers that we were, we frequently forgot to do our job. Well one day, my dad got so fed up that he made me drive the garbage 45 minutes outside of town to the county landfill. Imagine my 16-year old female horror as I drove up to the gate, which had a large sign warning visitors of the presence of inmates from the state maximum security prison (maybe they were on work release or something?) And the smell....OMG. Needless to say, I never again forgot to take the garbage to our collection bin on Wednesdays.

    Sounds like Bob and Cathie need to practice a little tough love and make you drive the garbage to the landfill...or the state prison, that'd work too.

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