Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Kisses

Today I walked into the bathroom at the office. Bathroom? Restroom? I never know what you're supposed to call it when it's not in your home. I know there isn't a bath in there. Unless I just haven't been very observant. But I don't like it when people call it "restroom." It sounds gross.

Who goes into the bathroom to rest? Maybe if they put a couch in there or some beds or that massage therapy music with dim lighting I could get behind "restroom." But they don't even have carpet. It's gross and somehow-always-a-little-damp tile. And florescent lighting. Nothing says "this place is not for resting. Move along." like florescent lighting.

And I refuse to call it "the toilet." First of all, a toilet is a single object and the whole room is not a toilet. Unless you are using any bathroom at any gas station in America in which case calling the whole room "the toilet" is probably appropriate. Or at least accurately descriptive. But in my office, "the toilet" should only refer to the porcelain bowls and the floor right below the urinals.


Secondly, the word "toilet" is disgusting. It should never be used in any circumstances whatsoever without exception. Shame on you all for reading it several times in this post.

None of this was supposed to be the point of this writing today. But here we are, halfway down the page, and still without a proper name for the room I need to refer to in order to tell you what happened today. Which leaves me with no other choice than to stop calling it "bathroom" or "restroom" and start calling it "Tamiville."

So I walked into Tamiville this afternoon. I was minding my business, just like I always do when I walk into Tamiville. Because Tamiville is not a place for making friends. OR for resting. Tamiville is a place where you resolve your issues that brought you there as efficiently and as quickly as possible and where you sometimes have to pretend you just came to blow your nose because you see your boss at the urinal and there's no way in hell you're going to go stand next to him.

By the way, there is one very old man at my office who insists on having exceptionally long conversations with me whenever we're inside Tamiville no matter how many times I make goodbye sounds and start walking toward the door.

In case you don't know what goodbye sounds are, they are a series of subtle sighs and voice inflections that people do when they are leaving a party. My sister Krishelle and I try to make these sounds in the background whenever we're at any outing with our extended family, hoping that this will subconsciously prompt people to start wrapping it up. We have no idea whether this ever works, but we have been doing it consistently for 1.5 decades now.

Anyway, I walked up to the urinal, began taking care of my business that brought me to Tamiville in the first place, and then noticed, to my horror:


I know photography is generally not allowed in Tamiville, but I thought this needed to be documented.

You guys. By my count, there are at least four Hershey's Kisses wrappers there. Which leads me to believe that someone stood at this urinal long enough to consume FOUR Hershey's Kisses. Never mind that this required amazing hand coordination, since one hand was, presumably, not free. Never mind that it is absolutely disgusting to bring food into Tamiville. What I would like to know is WHO THE HELL HAD TO PEE LONG ENOUGH THAT THEY WERE ABLE TO UNWRAP AND CONSUME FOUR HERSHEY'S KISSES?!?!

Also, WHY would this person leave the wrappers on top of the urinal? Was he proud of his achievement? Did he want others to see this?

In the apartment building I lived in before I bought my house, and which building I lovingly referred to as "The Rest Home," my elderly neighbors used to leave items on a table in the lobby for anyone who was interested. These usually included rust-stained doilies, high heels from 1961, and many incomplete sets of chess.

Maybe the Hershey's Kisses man was just doing the same thing? Maybe he thought the next person would be interested in the wrappers.

And I guess he was sort of right. Because I was probably the next person. And I was interested in the wrappers. Interested enough to take a picture and broadcast it to the world, in fact.

Now I'm impressed with that man's coordination, his very large bladder, AND his foresight.

~It Just Gets Stranger

48 comments:

  1. ew. and up here we call it a 'washroom.'

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  2. Ew^2. Some people call 'em lavatories, which, when I was a kid, I thought meant the same thing as laboratories, and wondered why/what/who experiments were going on in that place.

    Apparently something with chocolate. So many ways that could go. But the main question: Did you take the garbage out?

    And by that, I mean your garbage. Let the custodian (who wears protective gloves) take care of those wrappers. Shame on the urinal snacker who left them there!

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  3. Some call it the "Lou" or is it the "Lew" ....probably the ...... "Loo"?

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    1. Yeah, be British and call it the loo. But I kind of prefer Tamiville to loo, wc, or lav (short for lavatory). I can't bring myself to call it loo because my dad's name is Lou and that makes it weird, however I don't know anyone named Tami so that is perfectly acceptable.

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  4. All the women at my work say "Potty" and it drives me crazy. I get it, you probably have kids and this is a socially acceptable thing to say to child, but we are all adults, presumably mature ones, and when you tell me to go take a "potty break" I want to vomit all over you.

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    1. Agreed Hilary. I'm guessing these women probably also use the words tummy, booboo, and poopie. Vomit away.

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    2. Wait a minute here, "Potty is cute. Potty is adorable." --https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjyTGxIU5Jc
      (Full disclosure: I'm a mom who says potty. But not all those other words. They're not cute and adorable.)

      (And my Captcha had me choose pictures of cats--Eli, what's going on???)

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    3. LOL, love Raj. Also my husband and I say Boom boom...cuz we are weird

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  5. A Blog titled "Kisses" and then launches into all things Men's Room definately had my curiosity. With you, those posts can really go just about anywhere.
    Anyway, the infection control freak in me is completely grossed out by the visual of someone EATING while urinating. Seriously. My stomach began to churn a little here. I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that a guy who can eat chocolate, no matter how cleverly while other wise occupied, probably didn't wash his hands. He either licked his fingers or wiped them on his pants.
    Now you are going to have to think about that every single time you touch the office refrigerator door and/or shake hands with co-workers...

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  6. I would be grossed out, if it were not that I had seen things like this in our work washroom before. Actually I am still grossed out. My mom taught me to never eat in the washroom. Here are some things I have seen at my work. And I think it may gross you out even more.

    I've got one guy that leaves his coffee cup...FULL OF COFFEE, right beside the sink where you wash your hands while he goes and does his business. Now depending on how long it would take him, multiple people could "wash" (I'll explain why I put that in quotes later) their hands and splashes of WHATEVER could go into his coffee cup. OMG IT GROSSES ME OUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!!!! I've actually even stated to him "aren't you worried about things splashing into your mug?". Apparently not.

    Then there's the guys who don't know how to even use a urinal...I think it's just one guy, but I won't go farther then that...use your imaginations.

    Now when I used quotes to say "wash" their hands, I actually mean I've seen people get up off the can ("can" another word you can use for washroom, which is what Kara mentioned we call it), and come out of their stall....and WALK OUT OF THE WASHROOM!!! Needless to say I never EVER touch the door knob with my bare hands, and why I have taught my boys to open the washroom door with either a paper towel or their sleeves if they have to. And then to burn their shirt later on. Anyway, other times I have seen people just rinse their hands under the water...yeah...apparently soap isn't in their vocabulary.

    There's more but I'll leave it at that.

    FYI, great read. I was laughing so hard at this one.

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    1. How can someone not know how to use a urinal? Maybe it's because I'm a girl or maybe I just don't have enough imagination, but I'm seriously stumped at what this could mean.

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    2. My husbands co-workers dont wash their hands after defecating and they work in the food industry! It's disgusting. AND trash cans are for paper towels, maybe tissue but not for the toilet paper you used to wipe yourself with. That belongs in the toilet.

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    3. I understand the not being able to use a urinal thing. Well, maybe "understand" is too generous a word, but I know some guys who just can't aim. I currently live with 3 men in their late 20s/early 30s (I'm a female). On a regular basis I find a full urine (how does one describe it?) on the floor of our toilet room. Needless to say I'm moving out next week...

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  7. This both grossed me out AND made want me to eat chocolate....mainly because I haven't been eating chocolate lately and I am in withdrawal.

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    1. Just resist the urge to eat chocolate for about six months, and the cravings just go away. Heck, at this point, chocolate smells really bad to me and I have no desire to eat it.

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  8. Wait, your old apartment building has a magic table where vintage shoes just appear? What was that address again?

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  9. Call it "The Facilities".

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    1. Oh my gosh. This.

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    2. But I kind of like "Tamiville." It makes it sound like a fun place that probably has circus performers and cotton candy.

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  10. At my office, in the Men's Tamiville, we have an inveterate booger-wiper. Every day on the tile by the first urinal, in the corner where two walls meet, SOMEONE chooses deliberately to leave at least one booger. Not small specky boogers, but the large ones, that turn sharp as they dry. Even more horribly, the janitorial crew only mops the floor of the Tamiville each evening, they don't appear to even consider wiping down other surfaces (not that I really blame them, I want to spend as little time in public Tamivilles as possible, but having worked as a janitor myself in the past I took pride in my ability to clean every inch of the Tamiville to acceptable licking levels).

    ANYWAY, this means that the boogers this man leaves behind sometimes collect for days on end. And apparently I'm the only one who has enough guts sometimes to get a paper towel and knock the dried ones to the Tamiville floor so that the next time the janitors mop, they actually do their job of removing boogers. Which apparently only inspires Mister Booger-Leaver to start his collection over.

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    1. OMG, this was one of the stories I left out of mine. We get that at my work too. Not a lot but every once in a while some dude wipes their boogers on the urinal wall. It's disgusting.

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    2. THAT is worse than Tami toes, kisses in the bathroom, and all other gross things Eli has ever posted! Ugh...I can't eat my lunch now.....

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    3. Tami just flipped her hair and said "as if!"

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    4. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

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  11. I had a teacher in high school who was very picky about what we called it for the very same reasons...not a bathroom, not a restroom. He insisted that we call it the lavatory when we asked to be excused from class to use it. And for the record, there are some pretty swanky women's restrooms on BYU campus that can legitimately be called restrooms, as they are complete with couches, dressing areas, and even carpet in certain corners. More than once I walked in to find a mom and her baby taking a nap inside. My husband was always very jealous that we had such nice quarters ;)

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  12. Maybe when this person was getting ready to do business, they realized their pockets were way too full and emptied them. But then realized it was time to "go" and threw the wrappers on whatever surface was available. And then forgot to remove them when done. I don't know what goes on in Men's Tamiville, but perhaps it gives guys time to reflect on the contents of their pockets.

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    1. This. I'm guessing while one hand was otherwise occupied, the other found the wrappers in his pocket and decided waiting until he was closer to a trash can was just unacceptable.

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  13. Yeah in Canada we call them "washrooms." Because hopefully you're at least washing your hands afterwards.

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  14. At my job, all the women's Tamivilles have a little room attached that has a long vanity, a couch and a chair. Almost like a lounge next to a row of bathroom stalls. A woman I work with goes in there at 2:00pm every day and LAYS DOWN ON THE COUCH TO TAKE A NAP. All while people do their business around her. It grosses me out so much. As soon as I walk in and see her shoes hanging off the end of the couch, I turn around and walk across the building to a different Tamiville.

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    Replies
    1. Mmmm...breath in that fresh air.

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  15. I refer to our office restroom as a phone booth because evidently many of the women in our office prefer to use this room for making long calls to everyone they know. I've also contemplated taking pictures in the subway bathrooms in Seoul, South Korea, but my sister had the camera and I thought it would look odd if everyone knew the white American was taking pictures in the bathroom. But, wow! I'd never seen a squat toilet, and what about the buttons in the stall that say "sound" and "emergency". What type of emergency constitutes pushing a button? Who's going to respond to the emergency? and what type of sound would the button make? Some days I regret not pushing the buttons to find out.

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    1. Ah...so the sound button...makes pleasant nature sounds. Babbling brook, chirping birds, stuff like that to cover up other less pleasant bathroom sounds. Not kidding. Husband went on a business trip to Seoul and got such a kick out of it he recorded it for me....which meant he got his phone out while in the toilet stall....so gross!

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    2. That is so cool! I am definitely trying the sound button next time I get to go to Seoul.

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    3. Funny that you mention Seoul. I live in Korea, and the restrooms/washrooms/facilities/potties are something to behold, though not for too long. By the sink, there's usually a bar of soap that is stuck onto a thick wire. That's what everyone gets to use for hand-washing.

      If it's any consolation, few people touch that soap. Most people do their business and walk right past the sink back into reality.

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  16. Other possible names for said location: the little house, HQ, long distance calling center, the bank, fun house. And the thought of bringing food into Tamiville, much less the thought of eating food in there, I agree with the first two commentors - EW EW EW!
    The sound buttons are popular in Japan as well. You press it so it covers the sound of you doing wee wee or boom boom while on the potty.

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  17. When I worked in a large office downtown, someone in the Ladies' Tamiville had a habit of wiping their "business" on the stall walls - yes, in an office where every woman that worked there was an adult! When I left that job, I had to call some of my friends who still worked there to make sure it was still happening -- so they wouldn't think it was me!

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    1. I actually laughed aloud (and died a little inside)

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    2. It's stories like this that make me wonder "what is wrong with people?".

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    3. I work in a mall, and every now and again a heart drawn in fecal matter appears on the wall of the ladies room. I don't know where to start with what's wrong with this. Does the fact that it's a heart make it LESS revolting??

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  18. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Sn2okJeAw

    I love this episode of Parks and Rec. Leslie is practicing going on a first date with Ann. After watching this, everyone in my apartment now called Tamiville the Whiz Palace for 2 months.

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  19. Just went into Tamiville at work where someone was pooping. She then walked out after rinsing (no soap) her hands for 3 seconds. My coworkers are gross.

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  20. Shared this post with my coworker and he responded with:
    that's nothing. There was this one time when I was in the bathroom at work, using the urinal, and this guy comes in with a donut in his mouth. He stands in the urinal next to me and doesn't just unzip to go use the bathrooom...proceeds to pull his pants down to his knees. THEN while eating the donut, pants down to his knees in urinal next to me.....starts to talk to me...so many bathroom etiquette rules broken in one single moment

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  21. I now need to wash my eyes out to get rid of the "T" word. Excuse me while I find the bleach.

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  22. This doesn't bother me a tittle, Eli. I grew up in the south and recall in the early 70s of my grandmother not having a bathroom, restroom inside the house (at that time) and we had to use what was called a: outdoor house. It was a little shack made of wood with nothing but a toilet inside. There was a door for privacy. What was bothersome though was the smell and the fact that it sat outside in a field that was already smelly. We had to do what we had to doo-doo. Perhaps the person had to eat four of those kisses because they were a diabetic???; then they got distracted and got a phone call and answered it hurriedly and it was a disturbing one and they forgot to trash it as they....LET'S HOPE washed their hands??? I visited a restaurant last week and had to use it. The signs on the doors read for WOMEN: eggs; and for the men it read: sausage.
    SIGH......

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  23. In the Philippines, they're called "comfort rooms". Most are pretty unremarkable, but I visited one that earned the title. Thankfully, someone had already made a video about it: http://youtu.be/RA6-oevV39s

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  24. I take a dance class at a local community college and next to the toilet there's a sign with a water faucet tap with one of those no red circle. You know, just in case you were wondering if you could drink the toilet water.

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  25. To give the guy a little credit, perhaps he was eating them before he entered Tamiville. When he stepped up to the urinal he set the wrappers down to do his businesss and just forgot about them when he left. But then, I guess that doesn't make as good of a story.

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