Sunday, May 31, 2015

Massage Mishap

What I'm about to tell you may end our cyber friendship. I'm aware of the risks. But I feel like it's my civic duty to let you know about the incredibly disgusting thing I caused to happen this weekend. Because I'm incredibly disgusting. And practically banned from the entire state of Idaho.

I was invited to an overnight outing at a place called Lava Hot Springs. I said yes without realizing that I was going to have to cross state borders to get there. I had heard people talk about this town before but I never realized it was in Idaho, which might as well be NORTHERN ALASKA because I felt like we drove far enough to nearly reach the northernmost tip of the Earth. (Hi Lee! I have no idea where you actually are. I just always imagine that everyone who lives in Canada can walk to the North Pole.)

We arrived. It was a wonderful time. We floated in the Hot Springs. We wandered the town. We stayed at the creepiest bed and breakfast this side of the Mississippi. I think it may have been a Bate's Motel situation because I kept hearing Ms. Thang who ran the place talking to some man out in the hallway but when I would walk out there she was always alone.


Then a small group of us wandered to a very back-townsy dance club with a surprisingly good band. And we danced the hell out of that place until the hole in the dance floor was so deep I saw Beijing.

I had been wearing flip-flops, and obviously I wasn't going to dance while wearing those. My version of dancing is far too violent to be done while wearing flip-flops. So I danced barefoot. And I danced hard.

The following morning I was informed that a massage had been scheduled for me and that massage was to begin at that exact moment.

You guys. I had not showered. I had not cleaned myself up from the night before. But I was ushered into a small room and instructed to disrobe and get on the table.

It was about twenty minutes into the massage when it occurred to me that the bottoms of my feet might have been not quite up to Cathie's standards of presentability.

The massage ended. I left the room and immediately surveyed the area.


You guys. Tami got down and dirty at that club last night. And I can never go back to Idaho.

Also, someone please get that massage therapist a Nobel Peace Prize and lobotomy.

~It Just Gets Stranger

37 comments:

  1. But hey, this time it was appropriate to be naked, so win!

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  2. How does one get a shoutout on every post like Lee?

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    1. First, you have to be really annoying (this takes years of training). Then, you have to post ALOT. Make it look like Eli has hired you to hang out here. Kind of like if your employer hired you to stand beside the water cooler all day long and talk to the random people that wandered by to just fill up their water. Except that no one is actually paying you, and the water cooler your standing beside isn't actually at your place of work, and you know that eventually someone will catch on and escort you out of the building, but for now you're just going to go along for the ride and see how long before the security guards tackles you from behind and throws you through the buildings front window ala Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop.

      And like Axel Foley, you keep coming back anyway because BORED!

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    2. *you're. (It's kind of fun to do that to someone else instead of have it done to me for a change. I just got a little rush from it. Bonus that I got to do it to Lee.)

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    3. It is disturbing that on my walk last night I had this same thought?

      Before ever reading this installment of The Blog, which by the way is how I refer to it and all my friends know what I'm talking about because I talk about it so often . . . ..

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    4. Also, *building's ;)

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    5. I...uhh...did that on purpose. Yeah...yeah I did that on purpose. See look at my first sentence. Part of being annoying is making spelling mistakes to annoy the grammar police.

      See? Duh.

      *cough*

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    6. Lee you're hilarious... Also yay for being Canadian!

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    7. Lee, did you even notice that I dedicated an Instagram post to you last week. AM I EVEN BEING NOTICED ANYMORE?!

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    8. I'm sorry, what? Were you talking?

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    9. How did this whole comment feed turn into hating on Lee? I meeeeean, I don't know Lee, but I'm sure he's a stand-up guy. Can't we just look past his imperfections and see him for what he really is--a lurking Canadian?

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    10. well the first step to getting a shout out is not to comment anonymously, Anonymous.

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    11. Tori, for some reason this popped into my head last night and I was kicking myself for not including that in my first comment.

      It's ok Kelsey, I...wait...I HAVE IMPERFECTIONS!!!?!?

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  3. LOL

    Trust me, you're good. I live in Idaho, and my feet look like that pretty much daily, in the summer. Not even kidding. I'm sitting here with coconut oil on them, as we speak, hoping to have them soft enough to not snag the sheets all night tonight. (just kidding. sort of.)

    And yeah. We pretty much ARE way north. We like to just call it "Narnia", out of respect for Alaska. ;)

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    1. HAHAHA!!!!! LOVE THIS!!! Narnia. HAHAHAHA!

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  4. I'm a licensed massage therapist and I've been practicing in Utah for 15 years, trust me - I've seen MUCH worse. As for Lava, did you eat at the really good Thai place in the old gas station at the top of the hill above the hot springs? I love that place.

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    1. YES! That place was surprisingly good!

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  5. What kind of world do you live in where people just inform you that a massage has been scheduled for you at that exact moment, and why don't I live in that kind of world? Why??

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    1. Here here.

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    2. I think we may all be with Donna on this one . . . .

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    3. Seriously. Maybe I need to get an assistant.

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    4. I was only vacationing in that world. And it was a very confusing vacation. I wasn't sure whether I had to also keep consciously breathing or maybe someone was going to do that for me as well. Then I came home to find a serious slug problem that my indentured servant has apparently failed to address. Hashtag Wade.

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  6. What kind of world do you live in where people just inform you that a massage has been scheduled for you at that exact moment, and why don't I live in that kind of world? Why??

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  7. The important question isn't the state of your feet. It's whether or not your hair was presentable.

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    1. No truer statement has ever been made.

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  8. From this picture it looks like you are missing your pinky toe.... since there hasn't been a post informing us about the tragic loss of your pinky toe, I assume it's just the perspective of the picture.

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  9. I'm pretty sure in the winter my city is the North Pole. And I bet without saying the city, anyone who posts on here who lives in Canada can probably guess which city I live in.

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    1. It could be worse - the North Pole could be SUMMER in your city . . . just saying . . . .

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    2. Is it Churchill, "the polar bear capital of the world"?? (I have never lived in Canada, but that's my guess.)

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    3. Is it Edmonton? Or Winnipeg? Or Saskatoon? Or St. John's? Or Yellowknife? Or Iqaluit?

      Basically anything that's not in the southern half of BC feels like the North Pole in the winter, and I would know because I've been to almost every province in the winter.

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    4. Yes, it's Winnipeg. Jaclyn if you live in BC, I'll trade you. Oooo...Winnipeg, so shiny and...umm...no I can't even sell it.

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    5. Bahaha BC winter rain FTW!

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    6. Ah yes Winnipeg. I am a few hours North of there. Odd little city. Cold and windy.

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  10. How close were you to Blackfoot, ID? I'd say close enough!

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  11. I love Lava Hot Springs. (Did you pronounce it correctly? LA-vuh, not LAH-vuh; the natives really go nuts if you say it wrong.) Floating the river in the summer is a favorite pastime!

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  12. Eli, if you ever visit Lava Hot Springs again, there is a great hotel ten minutes down the road in McCammon called the Harkness Hotel. It's like staying in one of those hip boutique hotels in LA that would cost $500/night, but it's in Idaho so it only costs like $110. Your hair is too nice for the Bates motel. http://www.theharknesshotel.com/

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