I saw Jurassic World this weekend. And oh my gosh. YOU GUYS.
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?
Seriously. Are we getting dumber? Is America getting dumber?!
I know the entire Internets are already full of people complaining about things and tearing apart whatever you love. And I know that I don't need to be yet another one of those voices of hate. But I'm going to be right this minute. Because I sat through all 247 hours of Jurassic World this weekend AND THIS IS MY ONLY OUTLET OK?!
I would warn you that this post is going to be a spoiler for the movie. But I don't think it actually is a spoiler. Because a movie has to have a plot in order for one to spoil it. And Jurassic World HAS NO PLOT.
I remember when Jurassic Park came out ten seconds before or after Wade was born. I remember it so well. It was amazing. The dinosaurs were spectacular. The characters were believable and likable. LAURA FREAKING DERN WAS IN IT.
I remember the plot making sense (as long as you suspended belief on the fact that they resurrected all of the dinosaurs. And oh my gosh I know that this isn't what actually happened in the movie but that is so not the point so calm down). We accepted that film. Embraced it. Loved it. Because it was amazing. It was like GOD HIMSELF came down and made a movie to explain to us why we shouldn't have dinosaurs anymore.
The violence was mostly subtle, with a few shocking moments. The suspense was palpable. You guys. WE ALL WANTED THAT CAR TO GO FASTER.
Then they made some sequels and they were mostly ridiculous but we didn't care because sequels are supposed to be ridiculous.
And then, the dinosaurs went extinct again. We didn't hear about them for a very long time.
Until, suddenly, all 1,200 of your Facebook friends simultaneously shared the article about how they were making Jurassic World and it was going to be AMAZING. And it wasn't really a sequel because it had a different name. And we ALL got excited. And if you just said that you did not get excited, then you are a liar and I GUESS THIS ISN'T EVEN AMERICA ANYMORE.
And we waited. And waited. And FINALLY, the movie came out.
I was taken to it by friends who will likely never see another movie with me again as long as I live. Because I audibly reacted to everything that happened in this film. And I earned that right. Because I sat through all 247 hours of a movie where a dozen one-dimensional characters played by terrible actors take turns saying cliche and cheesy one-liners while dinosaurs eat people in the background.
You guys. I cannot even begin to explain how bad the plot and writing in this movie was. It was like they picked up a bunch of people off the street, told them that they were each going to play a character who had exactly one character trait, and they just needed to make sure they stuck to that character trait at all times.
"You, sir, are BRAVE!" (Hashtag Chris Pratt)
"You are the villain who lurks in the shadows and wants to use the dinosaurs to fight war!"
"You are a teenager. Please watch the Disney channel and act like everyone on every show."
And then, the aunt. That aunt character. The aunt of those awful children who had perfectly blow-dried hair two minutes after jumping into the water. That aunt. She was practically ridiculed for having not seen her nephews in a few years. AS THOUGH SHE WAS A DEADBEAT MOTHER.
But she wasn't the kids' freaking mother. SHE'S THEIR AUNT WHO LIVES IN ANOTHER COUNTRY AND JUST PAID FOR THEM TO HAVE AN AMAZING TRIP WHERE THEY GET TO SEE DINOSAURS.
But they really really wanted you to see her as the deadbeat aunt because they realized halfway into the film that they forgot to make the kids look pathetic and since their loving parents were back at home excitedly waiting for their return, they could only neglect them through an aunt who has no legal responsibility for them.
I seriously think that 3,000 people wrote this film by taking turns passing around a script and writing one line at a time without reading what anyone else had contributed to that point.
But the film progresses. The kids, who are not being monitored by their DEADBEAT aunt who has hooked them up with the most amazing weekend of all time on a tropical island in a five-star resort and has given them VIP passes to see animals that went extinct millions of years ago--those poor neglected kids go wandering off the beaten path and find themselves in trouble.
Meanwhile, the evil scientists created a mutant dinosaur in a lab because they had to in order to keep the children's attention. Because apparently the now un-extinct dinosaurs who have been accessible in this park for a decade-ish and are only visited by a tiny portion of the world's population are so incredibly unimpressive that if they don't make a T. Rex with spikes and super powers, no one will care about Jurassic World anymore.
So that dinosaur. The mutant one. The one they created in a lab to wow the children. That dinosaur somehow got loose and started killing all of the other dinosaurs and people on the island. And by the way, it is gigantic and cannot be taken down by missiles. BY MISSILES.
So naturally, BRAVE Chris Pratt and his 1,000 one-liners take his four raptors and shotgun and head out to hunt down this mutant dinosaur. You know. THE ONE THAT ISN'T AFFECTED BY MISSILES.
Oh yeah. The raptors are now man's best friend because Chris Pratt taught them how to love.
Oh, and one of the raptors kills the villain who wanted to use them as weapons in war.
But the raptors don't want to kill the mutant because the mutant is apparently part raptor and can VERBALLY COMMUNICATE with the raptors. And we watch them have a FULL conversation. And the people are like, "oh crap! The mutant must be part raptor because he knows how to speak Raptor!"
Anyway, the people continue to pursue Godzilla or whatever the hell that thing is called, until they finally end up in downtown Jurassic World where deadbeat aunt lets T. Rex loose because she realizes that he's the only one who can stop the mutant. And somehow deadbeat aunt runs faster than the T. Rex, but let's not get nit-picky here.
Then T. Rex faces off against Godzilla but he's just not strong enough. UNTIL all of the other dinosaurs come to help.
You guys. I am not making this up. I swear to you. The other dinosaurs came to help fight Godzilla. This really happened. And I was laughing so hard by this point in the movie that I stopped breathing for a moment.
And I realized then, too, that this whole scene seemed so familiar. And then I realized why it seemed familiar. YOU GUYS. THIS WAS THE EXACT PLOT OF EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF THE POWER RANGERS IN THE 90'S.
Jurassic World ripped its "story" from the Power Rangers!
Somewhere along the way the raptors decide to fight Godzilla after all because they remember everything Chris Pratt did for them.
Magically, the dinosaurs we know defeat the one we don't know. And they they all wander off peacefully and leave the humans alone. Because apparently sometime in the last twenty years they stopped eating people.
Oh. And probably because Chris Pratt taught them how to love.
Then everyone ends up in a warehouse together as doctors tend to the thousands of wounded people. And deadbeat aunt and Chris Pratt wander off with each other smiling because they're in love now and apparently totally forgot that yesterday they caused a mass genocide.
But the CGI was impressive. So there's that.
~It Just Gets Stranger