Dispatch: 911. What's your emergency?
Eli: Ok. So real quick--I'm not sure that this is an emergency.
Dispatch: Eli. Seriously? Again?
Eli: There is water BILLOWING down the street. BILLOWING.
Dispatch: And what is your concern?
Eli: Well, maybe you haven't heard about the MEGA DROUGHT!?
Dispatch: So you are worried that water is being wasted?
Dispatch: And you called 911 over this?
Eli: Yes. Are you mad?
Dispatch: I'm just relieved that we haven't gotten a snake sighting call in a while.
Eli: OH MY GOSH DO YOU THINK THERE ARE STILL SNAKES OUT THERE?!
Dispatch: Yes. Unfortunately I don't think we've killed them all for you yet.
Eli: WHAT AM I PAYING YOU PEOPLE FOR?!
Dispatch: If you are worried about a water problem, you should call Salt Lake Public Utilities.
Eli: Fine. But if they just send me back to you--
Dispatch: They won't. Call us back if you ever have an actual emergency.
Woman: Salt Lake Public Utilities customer service. How can I help you?
Eli: WATER BILLOWING DOWN THE STREET!
Woman: Excuse me?
Woman: What can I do for you?
Eli: It's like the Nile has been relocated to this street near my house. I'm just beside myself. So much wasted water. And what with the mega drought and Christmas coming up--
Woman: Are you trying to report a broken pipe or something?
Eli: I don't know if there is a broken pipe. All I know is that water is--
Woman: Billowing. Yes. I understand. Let me get you over to maintenance.
Click. Party in the U.S.A Playing.
Man: Maintenance. How can I help you?
Eli: Water billowing down the street! Flooding everywhere!
Man: Excuse me?
Eli: I called 911 but they said this isn't an "emergency" and "please stop calling us" but I guess they've never heard of the MEGA DROUGHT.
Man: Sir, are you trying to report a problem.
Eli: Yes. Water is being wasted. Every morning I drive to work and I see water BILLOWING down this gutter for several blocks. The gutter is overflowing. I drove around and found the source and wrote down the address. The water appears to be coming from a box in the ground. I'm very concerned.
Man: Is it on 1700 S?
Man: And 300 W?
Eli: No. It's at 1000 E. So it sounds like you have a lot of problems on 1700 S.
Man: Oh. Sir, that's irrigation water. It is being moved that way purposefully.
Eli: Come again?
Man: They send the irrigation water through the gutter like that and it collects down the street and people are able to access it for their yards.
Eli: You're telling me that water isn't being wasted?
Man: That's right.
Eli: And there's no such thing as a mega drought?
Man: I didn't say that.
Eli: So we ARE in a mega drought?
Man: I made no comment about the mega drought.
Eli: Fine. I was just trying to do my Christian and civic duties.
Man: I will mark those boxes off on your citizen form.
Eli: You have access to that?!
Eli: Do you know whether USPS also has access to those records? I've gotten into this very hostile relationship with the mailman and the last thing I need is for him to make trouble for me on my permanent record.
~It Just Gets Stranger