Monday, June 22, 2015

Things I've Heard the Plumber Say from the Other Room So Far this Morning

"Hahahahahahahahaha. Well THAT was unexpected."

"There's one thing I know for sure and that's that you can't beat the price of bread!"

"It wouldn't be a big deal if Mary would just stop feeding everything that walks up to the house."

"I could have been an artist, you know! A real artist!"

"Of course the whole country went to pot when ol' what's-his-name took over. Thanks Obama."

[Lots of drill sounds] "The only difference between me and the dentist is that I don't give you a toothbrush at the end. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Maybe if washing machines came with a garbage disposal we wouldn't even need kitchen sinks anymore."

"The whole world is basically just one huge nation now and yet you still can't leave America without someone killing you!"

"I was born in 1948 and every day since then I've just gotten older."

"This snake tool just reached India. I bet this house is going to start smelling like curry."

"There's no business like show business and that's why I stayed out of it! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"I should've saved all the gunk I've collected from drains over the years and made a monument out of it. I could have called it 'The Piece of Crap-a.' HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

At the moment he's singing "God Bless the U.S.A." not quite at the top of his lungs, but close to it.

I'm not sure if he has been directing all of these comments to me or whether he's having a conversation with himself. So I just keep politely yelling things back like, "oh is that so?" In any event, I'm really proud of myself because right after he said the thing about getting older every day I agreed with him and then added "twice up the barrel, once down the side."

It was the greatest moment of my life when he yelled back, "ain't that the truth!"

~It Just Gets Stranger

20 comments:

  1. Well that's a piece of 'Murica.

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  2. OMG you are so funny!

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  3. The more you describe people that live in Salt Lake, the more I think that place is just filled with the weirdest people in the world. I mean, I've talked to some people that live there because the company I work for has an office there, and they all seem normal, but maybe it's just a facade and they're really all crazy once they turn off the video conferencing.

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    1. Utah is about 60% totally cool people, 10% overly nice people who are always in your business, 10% cranky curmudgeons, 10% harmless weirdos and 10% total freaks. The town I live in is currently famous for this genius: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/19/alexander-katz-car-thief_n_7621350.html

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    2. There are some people who are magnets for the weirdos. Eli is one of those people. And he is good at finding/pointing out the humor of them.

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    3. Lee, we've discussed this. He's lying.

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    4. so I don't think I've ever heard the term curmudgeons before, but I have heard of cromudgeons which are essentially giant donuts and irish cafe near me sells which paints a completely different picture...

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    5. Anonymous, we've discussed this. Get a life.

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    6. Brian, Anon #1 has a point now. Remember, 95% exaggeration, 5% truth. :)

      Anon #2, a curmudgeon is a person with a bad temper.

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    7. I'm beginning to think Eli is schizophrenic and these are all just voices in his head.

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  4. I love people like this!! They usually love life and are really fun to be around. You should go and hang out with him.

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  5. My husband has a PhD and is the smartest man I know. That sounds just like him when he's doing house or car repairs. After yrs. of marriage I realized he does it to keep himself sane while doing mundane, repetitive tasks. I'm sure if he was a plumber, he'd be sounding like he's a few cards short of a deck. He'd really make your day.

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  6. LOVE THIS! I want to borrow your plumber, just so I can have a conversation with him. Also, what did you do to your sink that is so terrible that your handy dandy friends cannot fix it? Also, we really need updates on the Postman situation.
    Every day, on my lunch break, I take a really long walk around the city I work in. And, every day, right around the same place, the guy that tickets people parked at expired meters walks right by me. I have tried to talk to him. Smiled. Greeted him. Nodded my head. Commented about the weather - I CANNOT get anything more than a curt nod. It's my mission to get a smile and a sentance out of him. Anyhow, the point being: Every single time I see him, I think that he looks EXACTLY how I imagined your Postman looks. Thus: I need to hear more postman stories. Maybe they will help me understand the Parking Meter Man.
    Thank you.

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  7. Right at this moment I'm waiting for the plumber to arrive. I wonder what exciting stories I'll be able to share. So excited! (But my life isn't nearly as fun as yours, so I might as well just admit that my plumber will be ordinary. Gosh - I don't like ordinary. Weird is just a side effect of awesome.)

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  8. But surely you said "twice up the barrel once down the side," right? Or are the cool people shortening your phrase now?

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    1. Thanks for pointing out the error of my ways! Righted that wrong.

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  9. I wonder how most conversations would sound if transcribed in sound bites like this.

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  10. Bahahahahahahahaha!

    Your saying is sweeping the nation!

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  11. I would get bored working retail everyday with the same old jargon. So I would choose a day and work that phrase into a conversation with every customer. Which was funny cause I worked at a store that sold clothes to oldish women (I am a mere child in my early 20's) and they would agree with it and say "Oh I haven't heard that for years!!" Or I would get "Is that what you kids are saying now a days?! I just don't understand the way you kids talk!"

    Always made my day!!! :D

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