Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Best Assistant Ever

Brianne: Did you notice that I folded all of the clothes scattered about your office and put them in neat piles?

Eli: That large stack of sweaters is all mine?

Brianne: Yes. They've been collecting here for about 2 years.

Eli: Oh. I didn't notice I had clothes here.

Brianne: You didn't notice the 6 sweaters, 5 pairs of pants, 4 pairs of shoes, 2 suits, and 9 shirts that were laying on the floor and that you've had to step over ever day for many months?

Eli: I try not to look down. It seems snobbish. 

Brianne: Well, if you would have looked down every once in a while, maybe you would have noticed the several opened packages of cookies and 3 rotting bananas next to your desk.

Eli: Cookies?!

Brianne: I threw them away.

Eli: YOU PERVERTED RACIST MURDERER!

Brianne: Eli, they were all stale. You are the perverted racist murderer for letting cookies go bad.

Eli: Touche.

Brianne: I also found these [holds up a pair of glasses that are being held together with tape]. For the love of all that is holy, why do you still have these awful transition glasses?

Eli: For seeing.

Brianne: They aren't even the right prescription. And you have new glasses because I made that appointment for you a few months ago. You don't even wear these.

Eli: But what if I lose my new ones?

Brianne: Then you will go find replacement glasses with the correct prescription.

Eli: Fine. Hand them to me. I'll throw them away. [Eli pretends to throw them away but puts them in a drawer instead. Brianne sees this and rolls her eyes.]

Brianne: Ok, next: I've arranged your travel for this work conference in Cleveland, but I'm very nervous about you having a rental car there and having to drive somewhere by yourself.

Eli: I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M VERY RESPONSIBLE!

Brianne: You realize you're talking to the person who has had to navigate you over the phone several times to places you've been to before IN YOUR HOME TOWN, right?

Eli: Point, Brianne.

Brianne: To that, I have created this extremely detailed and tabbed folder labeled "trip itinerary," because I know you don't know how to access information through technology. I am placing a copy of this in your bag and I need you to try really really hard not to lose it.

Eli: But if I do, I should call you?

Brianne: If you're being careful and you don't lose it, then you won't need to call me.

Eli: Right. But, let's say it gets lost. Then I should call you, even if it's really late?

Brianne: How would it get lost if you're being responsible?

Eli: Like, what if a crow rips it out of my hand as I'm walking down the street?

Brianne: That won't happen.

Eli: Well I don't know what kind of hazards I might encounter. I've never been Cleveland before.

Brianne: A crow will not rip it out of your hand in Cleveland.

Eli: Ok, but for the sake of argument, let's say it does--

Brianne: [Sigh] then you can reach into your other bag and get out the second copy I made and put in there.

Eli: I see that this isn't your first rodeo.

Brianne: Lastly, I need you to try to pack your bags more than 15 minutes before it's time to leave for the airport. I don't want to see you have another nervous breakdown this month.

Eli: Very good point. I'll pack tomorrow. Although, I will need to go clothes shopping first.

Brianne: Is this another "I have to buy a shirt because nobody is doing my laundry" thing again?

Eli: Well there's that. But also, all of my clothes seem to have disappeared somewhere. I don't have any left in my closet.

Brianne: [Shakes head]

~It Just Gets Stranger

55 comments:

  1. She sounds amazing. And kind of like a mom. Exactly what you need at work.

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    1. Thank you! I am a mom...just not to Eli. But Eli takes a lot more work than my ten year old ;)

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    2. In our office I am jokingly referred to as the Work Wifey by the guys. In addition to my actual job I do their online shopping, purchase gifts, help with their budgets, pick up dry cleaning, decorate for parties, arrange doctor & dentist appointments (and remind them to keep them), etc. The only thing I refuse to do is baby sit their kids...that's what candy and ipads are for dang it.

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  2. I'm totally seeing Brianne as Moneypenny to Eli's James Bond. Do you toss your hat on to the hat rack when you enter the office? Do you own a hat? Memo to Eli: Buy a hat. Wait, scratch that. Memo to Brianne: Buy Eli a hat. And a hat rack.

    I'm thinking that young Wade is Q. Who, pray tell, is M?

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    1. James Bond is responsible though and Moneypenny doesn't really ever do anything for him cause JAMES BOND!!!

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    2. Lee has a good point. How about Brianne as Pepper Potts and Eli as Tony Stark?

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    3. Eli can't cover his perfect hair with a hat!!!!!!!!

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    4. I am for sure not purchasing a hat for Eli. It would just be one more thing I have to pick up and be responsible for. You have no idea the amount of work it takes to keep Eli's life running smoothly.

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    5. Oooo, that's a good one Kate. And Tony Stark always has perfect hair when his Iron Man mask comes off too.

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    6. Eli is Harvey and Brianne is Donna from "Suits"!

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    7. You can be M, Matt.

      Cathie. :)

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    8. Whatever M is..... :)

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  3. You know...I know I've asked this question before, but...how do you survive? Does someone feed you?

    Also, you know it's really gross to wear a shirt that you buy at the store that hasn't been washed right? What if a sweaty gross person just wore it before you and now you're wearing it all day long and his germs and dried up skin are....bleh...I can't even think about it.

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    1. Lee: You are the whole reason I even follow Eli's blog. I mean I run Eli's life so I don't really need to read about it. When are you coming to Utah? Eli will take you and I to dinner!

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    2. I see a Stranger convention in the works, it needs to be on the Utah high holy day of July 24th next year. Sorry to add one more thing to your work load Brianne, just tell Eli you need a raise.

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    3. Lee, I say the same thing about my clothes. My husband thinks it's weird. My MIL thinks it's just ridiculous. My mom used to wash our clothes before we wore them all the time, and now she denies that she did it, and has joined in on the mocking! I won't put anything on my daughters unless it's been washed. You just never know. You have saved my sanity, knowing that I am not the only person who does this.

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    4. Brianne, we were planning a trip down there this summer, but it just didn't end up working out. But I know I need to come down to Utah and check things out. Also, because I feel the need to stalk Eli just to make him paranoid and then pop up one day and say "HAHA it's ok, it's just me Lee from your blog". Then he can take us out to dinner cause we're awesome.

      Chrissy, let me give you some ammunition. I don't mean to get gross here, but lice and bedbugs can get transmitted through clothing. Also, I've read sites that have scanned off the rack clothing and have picked up on fecal matter, skin flora and...fluids from...the nether regions...I'll stop there. Also, a quick google search reveals this site:
      http://www.wsj.com/articles/do-you-need-to-wash-new-clothes-before-wearing-them-1431955513

      So yeah, I'm with you, always wash first. I don't even like trying things on, but I'll do it out of necessity sometimes. I like being sanitary as much as I can be.

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    5. Lee's right. I work for a pest control company and I got to a lot of conferences and continuing education specifically for things like cockroaches, bed bugs, lice, and fleas. I would never wear something I purchased or was given without washing it first.

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  4. I think Brianne needs a raise.

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    1. Thank you! I couldn't agree more :)

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  5. I think Brianne needs to do a guest post. Also, is she like 20 years old? Because that would make this even better.

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    1. I look like I am 20 ish years old but I am actually a solid 35 years of age! Eli does not want me to do a guest post cause he is worried I will just take over his blog like I have his life!

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  6. Oh my goodness. Brianne sounds just like me at work. Scary to know someone else has my same work life.

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    1. Right?!? I think we need a support group, June Snapple can be the chairwoman.

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  7. CLEVELAND?! I live 2 hours away and am trying really hard to not drive up and meet you.

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    1. I also have to go to Akron. Whatever the hell THAT is.

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    2. Just hire Michelle to drive you around and then you (probably) won't get lost.

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    4. I live in Akron! It's pretty much just LeBron James' house and a bunch of Goodyear tires. Enjoy!

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  8. Stranger conspiracy theory:
    "Brianne" is a new fictional character Eli invented. Her comments on this blog are part of his efforts to fool us all, just like he attempted to fool an innocent girl named "Jane" a few years back by inventing his mommy blog. He's drawing us all into his little make-believe world and will soon be scamming us out of our hard-earned livelihoods when "Brianne" suddenly needs some type of medical procedure. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

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    1. How have I lived 31 years of life without having ever heard the word "sheeple" before?!?

      Also, could that plan really work? I'M ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

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    2. You are so very sheltered Eli. Also, what kind of fake procedure are we talking about...like a toenail transplant or something more serious like a vacation to take a much needed break from being Eli's work mom?

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    3. I am as real as people get! Sorry you dont believe that an assistant this amazing exists....BUT I DO!

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    4. @Brianne - Just questioning is a nutso person like Eli truly exists. He sounds like a hot mess...but then we non-sheeple know his tendency to exaggerate.

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    5. Brianne has got to be real. Eli needs a Brianne to balance his insanity in order to be the best Eli he can be. Brianne you are awesome! I always wanted to be the person behind the crazy genius Mastermind who makes sure that the crazy is kept in check. Although in this case, the words Genius and Mastermind are probably not adjectives for Eli. So just keep on keeping on with the crazy.

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    6. Brianne is very real. I can vouch for her. She's even more amazing than Eli even exaggerates her to be.

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    7. Oh I just love you Matt Broome!

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    8. We will all be on an episode of catfish one day. Nev and Max will uncover the truth.

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  9. Too bad you aren't coming to Cincinnati!!!!!!

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  10. And remember...Cleveland rocks.

    -an adoring Stranger from Dayton, OH

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  11. And remember...Cleveland rocks.

    -an adoring Stranger from Dayton, OH

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  12. I live not 30 mins from Cleveland!!! you should come to our ward 😊 (in Elyria) but sometimes I attend the Westlake one with my boss. when will you be here? it would be so exciting to meet you!!

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  13. I'm curious if this "work conference" is another female lawyer empowerment convention. Tami could probably use some pampering.

    Regardless of the specific type of conference, I hope Brianne had tucked memos into your briefcase, suit pockets, and suitcase to help you remember that you don't take your clothes off at lawyer conferences. :)

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    1. I set reminders in his phone that say...leave your clothes on this isn't a nudist beach or hottest is modest. Things like that to help him!

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  14. Brianne is real! I used my superior Google-fu to find her on the Internets! This is both amazing (of me) and extremely scary (BECAUSE SAFETY!). Beware of the Internets, people! But nice that you're real, Brianne. You seem like a super cool person.

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    1. This totally freaks me out. What did you find out about me?

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  15. Brianne, do you have any cousins in Atlanta? My assistant doesn't do any of this for me. I'm lucky if she remembers to schedule my travel in time, much less print me out itineraries! Right now I am having to manage my own life, plus that of my husband and baby, and I'm over it. I need a life manager!

    Also, I am thoroughly in the wash-before-you-wear camp. I work for the CDC - plenty of diseases/pests to be spread person to person on clothing!

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  16. Can Brianne come live at my house? I need her.

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  17. Brianne for President!!!! Seriously....

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  18. Still waiting for the "Like" buttons to show up next to comments so I can like them all! It takes so long to Reply "Like" to all the comments so Anonymous 1, 2 (Cathie), 4, 9 and 10 Likes all around. Plus Likes for Brianne, Lee, Karen, Michelle and Matt...And Eli's hair, of course.

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  19. Still waiting for the "Like" buttons to show up next to comments so I can like them all! It takes so long to Reply "Like" to all the comments so Anonymous 1, 2 (Cathie), 4, 9 and 10 Likes all around. Plus Likes for Brianne, Lee, Karen, Michelle and Matt...And Eli's hair, of course.

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