I was standing in line at Starbucks on Thursday morning to get some pumpkin bread BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND I CAN EAT PUMPKIN FLAVORED FOODS WHENEVER I WANT SO BACK OFF. I somehow accidentally pocket Facetimed Rebecca and she answered before I could disconnect.
Rebecca does this thing when she Facetimes where she holds the phone really close to her face so that only about 60% of her face is visible on the screen. While she's very beautiful even up close, this is always alarming at first. She also talks VERY LOUDLY on the phone.
And so, suddenly, giant Rebecca face appeared on my phone.
Rebecca: ELI, I HAVE MONO!!!!
Eli: [Mouths "sorry" to all 40 people who are now looking at him] uh . . . hi, Rebecca.
Eli: Ok. Are you sure?
Rebecca: Yes. This isn't like one of my other diseases. I actually got tested for this.
Eli: Did you just finally admit that your gluten allergy isn't real?
Rebecca: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT! I have mono and I got it from YOU!!!
[Everyone in Starbucks gives Eli a disapproving look. The woman in line next to him takes one judgmental step away.]
Eli: Ok. Why on Earth do you think you got this from me? I haven't even seen you since, like, May. You could have gotten this from anyone.
Rebecca: Are you implying I'm a hussy?!
Eli: No. And I'm not even convinced that you know what that word means. I'm just saying that it's unlikely that you got mono from me. We never even made out.
Rebecca: You don't have to make out with someone to get mono from them!
Eli: So how do you think I gave it to you then?
Rebecca: Well we lived together for so long and we shared food and toothbrushes all the time so I think you transferred the disease that way.
Eli: Uh . . . we did not share toothbrushes . . .
Rebecca: . . . oh . . . right. We didn't. I never used your toothbrush 20 or 30 times when I couldn't find mine. I didn't do that.
Eli: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Rebecca: Anyway, I know I got this from you because you basically make out with the whole world so there's no way you don't have mono by now.
Eli: So now I'm the hussy?
Rebecca: You know you want that reputation so don't act all indignant.
Eli: Fine. But I don't think I have mono. I feel fine.
Rebecca: Probably because it's dormant in you!
Eli: Like my heart?
Rebecca: Just like your heart.
Eli: Well, even if I have mono, I really doubt I gave it to you. I don't think we shared food as often as you think we did.
Rebecca: That doesn't matter!
Eli: Hang on a minute, Rebecca. I'm at the front of the line. I need to order.
[Eli then places his phone on the counter in front of the Starbucks barista. Rebecca's giant face doesn't stop yelling.]
Rebecca: You sound JUST like those people who don't think they can get STDs from one-time promiscuity! You only have to be a whore once and then BOOM! GONORRHEA!
Eli: [To the mortified-looking barista] I'm so sorry. She's a troubled youth. This is a Big Brother program thing.
Rebecca: I CAN HEAR YOU! And for the record, I am NOT a troubled youth! I'm a very wholesome half-French woman and Eli has basically given me STDs against my will!
Eli: Hanging up on you now, Rebecca!
Rebecca: No! Wait!
~It Just Gets Stranger