Sunday, August 16, 2015

Water Heater

I went for a run this weekend even though I made a solemn promise to all of you and to the universe that after Ironman Boulder I would never exercise again. But as it turns out, my body be doing crazy things lately.

I had a hard time figuring out what was going on at first. I felt this unbelievable amount of anxious energy, like I could run up a mountain, crab style, like the Exorcist girl. Also, I've been insanely hungry. ALL THE TIME ALWAYS. If you guys saw how many jumbo bags of peanut M&Ms I've gone through in the last 14 days you would probably start petitioning to have me on the next season of My 600 Pound Life.

I knew this couldn't be menopause because I've never gone through puberty. Naturally, then, I assumed that this was all because of disease and so last Thursday I took 5 minutes and jotted out a very simple will.

Mr. Ollie Pants will go to Matt, Jolyn gets my wig collection, and everything else goes to Bob and Cathie. I also gave very strict instructions to Young Wade to go through my whole house and get rid of all the "not that we know what that is, Cathie" paraphernalia before anyone can come over and start going through my stuff. Like, for example, my slutty outfits.

Then I looked on the Internet and it confirmed that I have every single disease that has ever been discovered. Also I got distracted by cat gifs for a while. And that somehow pulled me into a Youtube black hole. And then a Wikipedia black hole. And then back to cat gifs. But by the following Wednesday at 2:00 I had circled back around to diseases.

Did you guys know that everything is a symptom of everything? As it turns out, it's probably not that hard to be a physician. No matter what anyone tells you, you just have to respond, "well it could be [blank]." And there is a basis for literally any disease you guess.

"You say your eye hurts? GENITAL HERPES."

"You're bleeding from the back of your neck? CHLAMYDIA."

"Your mom stopped talking to you? GONORRHEA!"

Not that we know what bleeding is, Cathie.

After concluding my Interneting on all topics, I happened to see a Facebook post from someone who also did Ironman Boulder, complaining about the same things I had been experiencing. And as it turned out, per the many comments from fellow triathletes, what I was experiencing was very common for someone who has recently completed an Ironman.

It goes like this: for eleventy million months I was doing hard cardio exercise between 15 and 20 hours per week, burning sometimes 5,000 or more calories in a day. You guys remember this because for all eleventy million months Stranger turned into a whine-fest. THEN, suddenly, I stopped exercising. And my body FREAKED THE HELL OUT.

As it turns out, it takes a while for your appetite to catch up to change. So my body still thinks it needs to consume enough food to power me through the Civil War. And also, I have this constant energy pulsing through every corner of my body, demanding to be released.

And all of this means that I think I might literally go insane if I try to be as lazy as I so sincerely vowed to be. And so I find myself going on very regular runs and doing what I can to get the anxious energy out, which in turn validates my body's disillusioned belief that it needs to take in 5,000 calories a day.

And THAT'S why I went for a run this weekend SO CALM DOWN AND STOP YELLING AT ME.

Now, for the story I'm here to share: I have been listening to podcasts while I bike or run because they make me feel smart and superior and for those same reasons I've recently turned into that guy who interjects into every conversation a sentence that starts with "RECENTLY I WAS LISTENING TO A PODCAST AND . . ." And then everyone rolls their eyes. But then they probably think I'm super cultured and intelligent and they wish they had my hair and OH MY GOSH I HATE ALL THIS ATTENTION.

I was listening to This American Life on my run and someone was telling a story about an accident that had happened. The story was surprisingly graphic and bloody and it caught me very off guard. And it just so happened to catch me off guard as I was returning home and running right in front of YOU GUESSED IT, The Perfects' house.

Picture the scene. Mr. Perfect was politely trimming the hedge. Mrs. Perfect was watering an award-winning potted plant. Boy Perfect was playing the cello. Girl Perfect was twirling a baton of fire. Dog Perfect sat stoically on the front porch, his fur elegantly blowing in the light breeze.

I've mostly given up on trying to impress The Perfects. It is impossible to impress people who are literally the best at everything.

The other day, for example:

Eli: Hi, Mrs. Perfect. Your yard looks lovely as always. You people are sure intimidating to live next to.

Mrs. Perfect: Is that a dead rat on your driveway?

Eli: Oh Hell it followed me!

Mrs. Perfect: Sorry?

Eli: It's a long story. But, yes, there is, of course, a dead rat on my property right now. Right here for you to see.

Mrs. Perfect: Well in any event, your yard looks lovely too.

Eli: Let's not do this, lady.

They clearly attempt to give me the benefit of the doubt. but I just don't try anymore. I am their trashy neighbor who runs by their house half naked and who can't keep flowers alive. But I don't have a meth lab in my basement so maybe they should just have some perspective and be a little more grateful.

While I don't try to impress them, I still do try to keep my embarrassing activities to a minimum when they are in their front yard. But that didn't stop me from doing what I did this weekend while running by their house listening to that graphic podcast.

You guys. It was like I had no control over myself. The speaker made some comment that caught me off guard and a sound came out of my mouth that had never been made by a human before. It was this long, loud, gurgle/moan/groan/scream. It was like something out of Star Wards and Jurassic World and the zoo. 20 to 30 angels lost their wings because of this noise. The government wants to study me for science now. This sound reversed Global Warming.

I'm not kidding you. It was the weirdest noise I've ever made. And I made it RIGHT in front of all of The Perfects. They all looked at me, concerned and frightened. I looked at them, mortified. I didn't know it was possible to make eye contact with four people and a dog simultaneously, but I somehow managed to do this.

And then, in my absolute panic, I did the only thing I could think of to do. I pretended to be on a phone call.

I don't know why I thought that being on a phone call would make the sound that had just come from me normal. But for some reason, this seemed like the best possible way to overcome what had just happened.

And so I stopped, in front of The Perfects' house, while they all stood, staring at me, and I had a VERY LOUD fake phone conversation with a fictional person named "Rob" wherein I tried to provide context for the sound I had made. I did this by pretending to tell this Rob person about a fictional problem at my home that I wondered whether he could come and "take a look" and "see if you can figure out why my water heater is making these sounds and acting this way."

Then I finished the call. Unfortunately Rob was too busy to make it over that day. You know, with the new baby and trying to get ready for that business trip to Oklahoma City and what with school starting back up this week and all.

Mr. Perfect: Water heater problems?

Eli: Oh . . . oh my gosh . . . did you just hear me on the phone? I'm sorry. I hope I didn't bother you.

Mr. Perfect: Not at all. You know, we had some issues a while back. I could take a look at it with you and see if I can help you figure out what might be wrong.

You know, it was the strangest thing. The water heater didn't make the sound once while we were down there looking at it together FOR 35 MINUTES.

Which makes sense. What with it being new and everything.

~It Just Gets Stranger

29 comments:

  1. Only you, Eli. Only you.

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    Replies
    1. That's where you're wrong -- Not even him! We've talked about this...

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  2. I can't stop laughing. This is exactly what I needed this morning.

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  3. At least you didn't get totally naked.

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    1. I'm kinda surprised he didn't in the basement . . . . .

      Okay -that sounds more perverted than I intended . . . .Not that we know what perverted is Cathie . . . .

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  4. You DO know, that it is inevitable that The Perfects will eventually hear about your Blog, and this will only "up" the humiliation factor, right?
    OR, the already do, and there is a conspiracy with the Mailman going on.

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  5. I am at work right now. Crying, because I am laughing so hard, and a person thought I was actually crying. I mean he saw me crying and called for reinforcements and a SWAT Team and the CIA and all those people. then he realized I was actually laughing and felt embarressed. Oh my gosh. I need to stop reading these at work!

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  6. "I knew this couldn't be menopause because I've never gone through puberty." One sentence says so much.

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  7. Replies
    1. Never mind, I think I figured it out yesterday when I listened to this week's podcast. The punching through the glass story made me sick to my stomach for like an hour. Gross

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  8. Eli, you should really check out this podcast called Limetown. It's fiction, but it's really good, and it's all about this town where everyone disappeared for no apparent reason. It will probably cause you to shriek out loud and further humiliate yourself, but remember: it's a drama, not a documentary, so don't you get scared.

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  9. What podcast were you listening to?? Sounds right up my alley!

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  10. "This sound reversed Global Warming" Laughed so hard I cried.

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  11. I listened to that episode yesterday! So gross! If it's the one I'm thinking of it is the most recent episode

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  12. Excuse me, but has anyone seen Lee? I feel like this post is a bit incomplete without all the faithful commenters. Is this even America anymore?!?

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    Replies
    1. Well - Lee IS from Canada . . . .

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    2. I couldn't think of anything new and witty/sarcastic to say. I was going to say his post was funny, but then I didn't want to pump his ego any more then it was since #superironmanguy, or encourage the *whisper* exaggerations...*ahem*, so I just didn't post anything.

      That was a pathetic attempt at hashtagging by the way. #idontknowhowtodothehashtags

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    3. #Icantstophashtagging #helpme #dontstart #notevenonce #addiction #ijustdothisfortheattention

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  13. I remember when I worked as a loan officer for a company, and a really, really cute guy came in. I set him up with everything, and when he left I got teased and we all laughed because he was really, really ridiculously good looking (definitely not with hair as good as yours though). Then he called about 5 minutes later with more questions, and I had to CALM THE HELL DOWN and be a professional again, and when I went to hang up the phone, I tried to say, "Have a good day!" "You too" and "Thanks for calling" ALL AT THE SAME TIME. What came out was a "Neeyyeaah" said like a dying walrus, after which I slammed the phone down and about died laughing! He never called again for some weird reason......

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  14. I am possibly surrounded by the Perfects' relatives, and our 5 acres is hopelessly un-perfect, so I feel your pain. I can see them when they walk by on their Perfect Evening Walk down our road, trying *not* to stare at the horrendous quantity of weeds that are growing RIGHT IN THE BEDS RIGHT BY THE ROAD. I imagine them muttering to each other, "Omg look at that! No--don't actually LOOK, she'll see you."

    *embarrassing*

    I wish they'd just walk on the other side of the road. Or come fix it for me. When I have to ever speak to any of them, like when I mistakenly take out the trash and forget to look for walkers-by, I usually babble about how I'm never home (lie) to fix any of this mess, so sorry you had to see all this...

    hashtag the struggle is real

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    1. Stef, I'm with you there. We moved into our house in 2011, and it's just under an acre, and the previous owners put in way to many flower beds. We can never keep up with the amount of weeds. It looks awful. The only garden in our yard that looks good is the one where they had put landscaping fabric down and then put river rock on top. I think that's the only way we can fix the rest of our gardens. I always feel like people look at our yard and just think how awful it must look. Stupid weeds!

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  15. My water heater isn't producing any hot water. For some random reason it was hot water yesterday, but today it is freezing. Is there a common piece that breaks that makes the water suddenly cold?
    http://www.abelplumbinginc.com/Water_Heaters.html

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  16. The story of how to get out of this hole has yet to be written, but there are a few people who have some ideas.
    Kirkland Plumbers

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  17. This made me laugh so hard! But what caught my attention is when you said that "I've been insanely hungry. ALL THE TIME ALWAYS." I also experienced the same especially when I am on diet. I was really hungry and wanted to eat chocolates but I don't want to have regrets. I just play or read or even sleep so that Ill forget my hunger.

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  18. I'm just now catching up on your posts, I can't believe how far behind I am. Sooooo, I am that really annoying person that interjects EVERY conversation with "there's a podcast about that". So to share the joy, here's what I'm addicted to lately:

    of course TAL
    The Moth
    Radio Lab
    Serial
    Invisabilia
    Planet Money
    and the best one ever on the face of the earth ever ever is Loveumentary. EVERYONE should be listening to this podcast. Hooked is an understatement.

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  19. I'm just now catching up on your posts, I can't believe how far behind I am. Sooooo, I am that really annoying person that interjects EVERY conversation with "there's a podcast about that". So to share the joy, here's what I'm addicted to lately:

    of course TAL
    The Moth
    Radio Lab
    Serial
    Invisabilia
    Planet Money
    and the best one ever on the face of the earth ever ever is Loveumentary. EVERYONE should be listening to this podcast. Hooked is an understatement.

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  20. Hillarious :) I am laughing alot after reading all the comments... Thank you guys for this laugh.. LOL

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  21. that's so funny its really make me happy.i m enjoying it

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