Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Birthing a Mattress

I've basically been sleeping on one of those Flintstone beds for the past few years. Just a very uncomfortable slab of bumpy rock. Except, worse even. If I so much as contemplate rolling over in it, the mattress squeaks so loudly that it sets off car alarms in India.

If you've ever hear car alarms going off on the other end of your customer service calls late at night, it's probably because I blinked in bed in Salt Lake City.

Y'all. I'm an insomniac. I think this is one of those chicken/egg things because I'm not sure whether I'm an insomniac because my bed is from 1745 or if my bed feels like sleeping on top of a pile of rocks because I'm an insomniac and therefore unable to get comfortable anywhere.

Various friends have conducted aggressive interventions with me over the years, demanding that I upgrade to something called "a grownup bed." They do this as though I still sleep in a race car bed, which is kind of offensive but OH MY GOSH NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT DO THEY MAKE THOSE IN ADULT SIZE?

Also, we all secretly wanted the Full House pencil bed LONG after it was still ok to want the Full House pencil bed.

Yesterday I finally bit the bullet and went mattress shopping with Matt Pants and Ollie Pants (whom I now collectively refer to as "the Pantses"). Matt drove us to a place called "Mattress Dealzz." I was skeptical about this establishment because I generally approach any business that replaces the letter S with multiple Zs with some caution, but Mr. Pants was already in a dead sprint for the front door before I could tell Matt to drive on.

AND YES, LEE. WE DO TAKE MR. PANTS INTO STORES AND SOMETIMES WE DRESS HIM UP AS A BABY AND PUSH HIM AROUND IN A STROLLER SO WE CAN GET HIM INTO FOOD ESTABLISHMENTS. Hashtag not ashamed.

We got into the store and were immediately approached by a very friendly and helpful salesman. And let it be known here and now that I, Eli Whittlebloom McCann, discovered last night that there is nothing more awkward in this world than testing out mattresses while the salesman stands by and watches.

Maybe I was doing it wrong, but I really had no idea how to adequately try each mattress for purposes of assessing whether or not it was something I wanted to spend a full ONE-THIRD of my life plopped on top of. I felt like lying politely on my back wasn't really all that informative. But I was also extremely uncomfortable tossing and turning on it to get the full bed effect in front of an audience. So I compromised by basically doing several really awkward half sit-ups on each mattress and saying things like, "well now! Isn't that comfortable!" In my grandma voice.

IN MY GRANDMA VOICE.

Eventually I made what was probably barely more than an impulse decision and pulled the trigger on a mattress I still know nothing about after the salesman told me it was 70% off for reasons I didn't really understand but I'm hoping it has nothing to do with someone having been murdered on it.

I texted hashtag Bob and Cathie to see if they were available to show up in their truck and help me transport the mattress home. They rolled into the parking lot 15 minutes later, gave me their usual song and dance about "WHY HAVEN'T YOU GIVEN US GRANDCHILDREN" and then helped me load the merchandise.

My plan was to take my Flintstone mattress and move it down into a guest bedroom in the basement. Wade moved out recently leaving a hole in my home AND A HOLE IN MY HEART and so now I am trying to figure out how to furnish his used-to-be living quarters even though the stairwell leading to the basement is basically every crawl space from The Descent.

I'm not kidding about this. I cannot get any furniture into this basement. And I knew it was going to be a stretch to attempt to squeeze a queen-sized mattress down this staircase. But y'all. After everyone left, I huffed and puffed and pulled that mattress, folded basically in half, through that tiny stairwell. From the basement's perspective, it looked like my house was giving birth to a mattress. I now know how to deliver a baby. If anyone is looking for a midwife, give me a call. 1-800-miracle-fingers.

NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT A BIRTH CANAL IS CATHIE AND I DON'T EVEN SAY "Y'ALL!"

~It Just Gets Stranger

41 comments:

  1. When did you change your middle name from Whittlebottom to Whittlebloom?! Or did I misread it until now? I need to know...and I'm way too lazy to read through old posts to find out.

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    1. His middle name is in flux. Always has been. His parents named him "Eli Whittle-something".

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    2. Thank goodness! I saw that and assumed I'd been reading it wrong for YEARS! And I'm a really good reader.

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    3. That's ok. I read his slogan as "Twice up the barrel, once down the SLIDE" forever until about a year ago when I realized all this time it was SIDE. And I'm a really good reader, too!

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    5. You're right Angela, it's Whittlebottom, but he misspells it all the time because ELI! Although Chava could be right as well. I thought I created that name, but I also think I drive a tank, so... *shrugs*

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    6. because.... like most everything on this blog, he makes it up! good toilet entertainment though...

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    7. Except that one time Alanna stole my thunder...how DARE she!

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    8. I agree, Lee, how dare Alanna! But her thunder died out LOL!

      Eli, I really think we need an official statement about your middle name!

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  2. You never told us if you solved the chicken/egg problem.....is your insomnia solved with the new mattress?

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  3. Hey, Eli, I am litterally sleeping on a plastic bedbox thing that goes under the air mattres... cause my air mattress deflated... and So you should share your secrets of buying a new matress... cause plastic with foam aint comfortable.

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  4. My husband uses a manual wheelchair and we've been mattress shopping twice. It's super annoying and time consuming for him to transfer in and out of his chair in between every mattress we want to try. So the first time, he would hop on my back and I'd piggy back/hobble from bed to bed and throw him on to each mattress. The second time, the salesman took pity on my back and proceeded to play a frogger-esque game wherein my husband would try one mattress, then wait for the salesman to push another one next to it and the hubster would crawl onto it then wait while the sales guy pushed that to the the NEXT mattress so he could crawl into it...and so on and so forth.

    I really wish I could get my hands on both of those security video cottages. Anyway, all this to say that it can always get more awkward at the bed store!

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    1. My husband is a double below the knee amputee and when I buy him shoes, I leave him home watching football and take a leg with me. I carry it under one arm and slip shoes on the foot until I am satisfied. And I hope he doesn't need to use the bathroom while I am gone. ;)

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  5. I was really worried when you said "y'all" without reminding us that you don't say "y'all." So the ending of this post brought me a lot of comfort.

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    1. Lee speaks with wisdom.

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    2. Why do I think Lee just commented on my post as "Anonymous"?

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    3. I post as Anonymous when I'm sleeping. It's also possible that while I'm sleeping, I telepathically take control of someone's mind and make them post on his blog. Then, when I release them from my control they wake up looking at this weird blog and start reading it realizing how interested they are in it (mostly yours and my comments Nicole) and start following Eli's blog. That's why he has so many people who read it.

      Uh...you're WELCOME Eli.

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    4. He never shows enough gratitude. I seriously don't think anyone in the northern regions of this world would have any clue who he is if it weren't for us . . . .

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    5. NEWSFLASH: Lee is Eli

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    6. And DEFINITELY not in the southern regions, Nicole. Eli who?

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    7. Well I'm in Michigan and Lee's in Canada - so we're covering the north - ya'll down south get to spread the word yourselves. But be forewarned - Eli is not grateful enough for this service we provide.

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  7. sounds like Eli's looking for a new tenant - anyone here want to snag that spot before Rebecca or someone else from the roster swoops in? Send your tenancy applications to "Itjustgetsstranger@gmail.com". (If you make the shortlist, you will be asked to pay $75 for a background check and submit a $250 deposit + first month's rent (interesting trades considered)). A couple of pointers: Eli needs a lot of help, so be sure to indicate what personal services you'll provide (laundry, cooking, house-fixing, mattress-moving, car-backing-spotting, trash can duty, putting on airs for the perfects, clothes-keeping-on-reminding, etc) and any pets that you would bring / be willing to care for.

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    1. I feel like this is a craiglist ad Jolynn has placed for April Fool's Day.

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    2. This is a 10/10 post. Now I dare you to put in on Craigslist or Kijiji for Eli and see who bites.

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  9. I didn't realize that https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Decent_One involved a lot of crawl spaces.

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  10. This is exactly every mattress shopping experience I've ever had. I feel the salesman should join me and bring a box of snacks to share.

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  11. Wait. Did I miss something? Wade moved out??

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    1. Eli is completely inconsiderate and never tells us this stuff until well after the acceptable mourning period

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    2. The breakup was deeply personal, let's give him his space.

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  12. Ok, first off, who are you referring to when you say Mr. Pants? Is that Matt or Ollie. You're confusing me. Secondly, I literally thought you were lying when you said that place was called "Mattress Dealzz" cause I figured there is no way someone would call their store by that name. I have since used the Googles to check it out and I would like to now apologize for thinking you were lying. That is, in fact, a real store. Wow...

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    1. I think you can usually tell by context. For example, "but Mr. Pants was already in a dead sprint for the front door" is clearly referring to Matt. On the other hand, "I would give a kidney to Mr. Pants and he's the best friend I've ever had WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!" clearly refers to Ollie.

      Try to keep up, Lee.

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    2. Wait, I'm confused...you call them "The Pantses", but aren't they actually "The Pants'"? Clearly my grammar ain't what it used to be, y'all.

      And, yes I do say "y'all". All. The. Time.

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    3. Pantses is acceptable. If you meet Carly Thomas and Steve Thomas, you have meet the Thomases. Or the Thomas family.

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    4. I thought for sure the Mr. Pants who was in a dead sprint to the front door was in reference to Mr Ollie Pants. lol

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  13. Not that we know what miracle fingers are Cathie!

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