But you guys. I don't know what I'm doing. This site is a mess. My life is a mess. Everything is a mess.
And every once in a while someone will freak out and send me an email or leave a comment that says something like "YOUR IN-TEXT ADS ARE RUINING MY LIFE AND YOUR HAIR ISN'T EVEN THAT GOOD TODAY!" And then I cry for a while and search the entire internets for "what the hell are in-text ads and how can I destroy them." And then the internets provide me no answers so I eat a bunch of candy and snuggle with Mr. Ollie Pants and forget about this.
Well, apparently for a while a lot of you have been seeing like 1,000 in-text ads in every post and it has truly been ruining your lives. I have been getting almost as many comments about this lately as I've been getting spam comments about herpes on a post I wrote in 2008 wherein I complained about canker sores (don't go looking for this post. My writing from that time now embarrasses me. But not enough to take the energy to go back and delete so I'll just ask you to respect my privacy. WE ARE ON THE HONORS SYSTEM HERE.)
So, finally, last week, while in Peru, I posted on the Facebooks asking for help from anyone who has any clue about anything and one Stranger named Alanna responded and told me exactly what to do. This involved deleting something called "code" and then burning sage all throughout my house. I did this and it apparently finally got rid of the in-text ads and now everyone thinks my hair looks good again (as opposed to just almost everyone).
Then I posted on the Facebooks that Alanna is the wind beneath my wings and the stars and moon and sun and the apple of my eye and twice up the barrel, once down the side, etc. And I promised to name a star after her for her service to humankind. And she responded that she's now trying to choose which star to have named after her and that maybe she would go with Tom Cruise but Marilyn Monroe could be a better choice because she's dead and "won't be able to say no."
And oh my gosh, y'all (AND I DON'T EVEN SAY Y'ALL OR USUALLY PUT THE APOSTROPHE IN THE RIGHT PLACE). I think Alanna may be the greatest person who has ever lived in the history of living and if she needed both of my kidneys just for an art project I would rip them out right now and send them highest priority and pay for the extra in shipping. PLUS I would include a lock of Ollie's hair even if she didn't ask for it. I even just cleared a space in my house for Alanna to come live. And that space is THE MASTER FREAKING BEDROOM.
I'm sleeping in the garage tonight just in case she shows up.
I also painted every single street in Salt Lake City red so that if she ever happens to be in Salt Lake City, it will be like the red carpet has been rolled out for her wherever she goes.
I am going to start requesting that everyone in the world pledge allegiance to Alanna and consider her one of the newest Catholic saints.
When Alanna is in the room, you should not start talking until she chooses the topic of conversation. STOP BEING DISRESPECTFUL TO ALANNA.
Thank you, Alanna, for fixing all of the problems I have in my life. And thank you, Strangers, for helping me over the years turn this space into something we can all connect through and enjoy together.
You people rock Tami's world.
~It Just Gets Stranger