Eli: Becky, I need your help.
Rebecca: I AM SO GOOD AT HELPING!
Eli: I know. That's why I called you. What the hell are you eating right now? It looks like Elmer's Glue.
Rebecca: [Takes a large bite] it's a special kind of yogurt. It's VERY healthy.
Eli: When was the last time you ate something that tasted like food?
Rebecca: August 21, 2004.
Eli: I'm impressed with your specificity but I also feel the need to point out to you that you accepted the premise of my question.
Rebecca: It's easier than arguing with you.
Eli: Anyway, the help I need from you is actually on this topic. I'm making dinner tonight for some people and one of them has a gluten allergy and I need you to advise me.
Rebecca: Well, my first advice is not to refer to gluten allergies with finger quotes, like you just did.
Eli: Ok. But can I roll my eyes when I say it?
Eli: Can I refer to Celiac as the "Loch Ness Monster of Diseases?"
Eli: Can I put a bowl of sawdust in front of the person and tell them that if they really have the disease they need to prove it by eating that while the rest of us eat freshly-baked bread?
Rebecca: No. You can't do any of the things you did to me while we lived together.
Eli: Well what the hell am I supposed to cook?
Eli: Ok. And?
Rebecca: I think that should be fine.
Eli: You think it would be fine for me to host a dinner party wherein I cook and serve only peas and carrots?
Rebecca: Maybe have some candy, too.
Eli: This might be the most unhelpful conversation we've ever had. And we've had a lot of really unhelpful conversations.
Rebecca: You knew what I was when you picked me up.
A few hours later: