[Quick Announcement: We will be back at The Porch in SLC this coming Saturday. It's a late show (10:00 PM OH MY GOSH HOW WILL WE STAY AWAKE). Please come and bring your friends and grandmas. It's a new location, in case you've been before. Info is here.]
You're not supposed to put glass in the blue recycling bins provided by the city. I have no idea what happens if you do put glass in them but the lid of the can given to me has very explicit instructions about this in the form of large pictures showing glass bottles with an X through them.
Recycling is a mystery to me, generally. I don't believe in it. I mean, I do it. I believe we should do it. I want to believe it is a real thing. But conceptually, it doesn't make any sense to me and somewhere deep down I don't actually believe that anything productive is happening with anything I'm recycling.
Also, I feel like they aren't very clear about how much you are supposed to clean the items you recycle. Like, what if there are still remnants of food in the container? Does that render the donation worthless? Does the food compromise the entire system? CAN I GO TO PRISON OVER THIS?!
Despite all of my concerns and doubts, I recycle excessively. I tear items apart to discard non-recyclable portions of them. I feel anxiety if ever I see a guest drop a recyclable item in the garbage can. And I WILL dig it out of the garbage and I will not be shamed for this.
I'm looking at you, Wade.
A while back I noticed that The Perfects have a special recycling bin, which they place out in front of their house on Thursdays, the day after garbage day, NOT THAT I SHOULD KNOW THIS INFORMATION BECAUSE NONE OF YOU HAVE REMINDED ME FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS.
Because I don't believe The Perfects are entitled to privacy from me, I went out to survey the bin late one night, wondering what could possibly be in it.
It was an odd-looking thing. Smaller than the other bins we have for garbage and recycling. I simultaneously hoped I would discover their clandestine illicit behavior and also that I would discover absolutely nothing shady at all because you guys, I have to live next door to these people.
Upon closer observation at 1:00 in the morning, I discovered that this was a glass recycling bin. I rolled my eyes. Because, OF COURSE The Perfects have found a way to recycle the item that you aren't allowed to recycle in the other bin. And sure enough, the next day I saw a futuristic-looking earthy truck roll down the street and politely collect The Perfects's's' bin of glass.
It was obnoxious to me that over the next many weeks The Perfects ALWAYS had their glass bin out on the street because y'all. I can't even remember to take my garbage bin out except for exactly once every 120 days when my entire property starts smelling like rotting bodies.
But also, I couldn't understand how the bloody hell The Perfects go through enough glass that they are able to recycle a bin-full of it week after week. WHAT EVEN COMES IN GLASS THAT YOU WOULD CONSUME IN ENTIRETY AND WITH REGULARITY.
And, no. I know what you're thinking. The Perfects are not alcoholics. I already checked. Many times. There never appears to be a bottle of any kind of alcohol in there.
It's so annoying how The Perfects don't have substance abuse problems.
I have no idea how to get a glass recycling bin. I feel like this is probably one of those things where you have to know someone. And in any event, I haven't gone to any effort at all to find out whether this is true.
You guys. I don't have time. Because TV.
Then I realized that OH MY GOSH why am I complaining about The Perfects when instead I could just be using them! So I started collecting glass in a special box in my kitchen and when I developed a critical mass I would take it out to The Perfects's's'ses's's bin in the middle of the night after they placed it on the street. Because sharing is caring and The Perfects should have an opportunity to share.
This was all working fine until last week.
I was slowly lowering a bag of glass into the bin (slowly, so as not to make too much noise) when I looked up and saw that Mrs. Perfect was standing on her front lawn with Dog Perfect, whom she was clearly taking outside to relieve himself.
In my sheer panic, I began raising the bag back out of the garbage right around the moment that Mrs. Perfect and I locked eyes. Now, standing on the street, holding the bag of glass in my hand, I realized that I didn't know whether she saw me putting it in there in the first place and she very well might have now thought that I was STEALING from their recycling bin. So I slowly put the bag back into the bin. And NOW I realized it probably looked like I was stealing from them, got caught, and then put my stolen items back where I found them.
My mind almost exploded with the confusion of this situation!
And I turned and looked directly at Mrs. Perfect and said . . . NOTHING. You guys! I said NOTHING. I couldn't will myself to say anything! I just stared at her from the street like a lying, thieving, creep! This moment of silence went on for almost an entire eternity! Prison sentences for actual thieves have been shorter than this moment with Mrs. Perfect.
Finally, Mrs. Perfect politely waved at me, turned, and walked back into her house.
I have been avoiding contact with them for five days now.
I'm going to have to be extra sneaky when I deposit my glass this week now that they are on notice.
~It Just Gets Stranger