Monday, October 12, 2015

Let Them Eat Cake

On Friday night I went to Matt's house. I like going there because WHAT IF MR. OLLIE PANTS, but also because, as a southern gentleman, Matt always inexplicably has a fresh batch of gumbo to offer.

I'm not kidding about this. It doesn't make any sense to me. I've never actually seen him cook it, but every time I'm there, at some point he'll jump up and ask, in a Southern accent that is about 14 notches more pronounced than he usually speaks, "how 'bout sum guuuuuumbo!" And every one of those words is somehow stretched out to be 17 syllables each. And then he feeds the gumbo to me and talks about how the "south shall rise agaaaaaiiiin."

Matt is constantly engaged in exactly 200,000 home improvement projects. Every single one of them gives me an excessive amount of anxiety, mostly because I don't understand them. I've mentioned before that he has this confusing ability to do any project around the house that needs doing. Yes, he makes a ridiculously large mess in the process, but Matt is an insanely talented artist and graphic designer so with an eye for this sort of thing, whatever he touches always ends up looking like something out of a magazine by the end.

Since Matt single-handedly performs all of my home improvement projects for me, I like to go to his house to help him with his. And I mean help in the "it's shake 'n bake and I helped!" kind of way.

On Friday, we had planned to start gutting one of Matt's bathrooms so he can make it beautiful. Just as we were about to get started, I mentioned to him that he needed to get on relativefinder.org so we could see if we were related.

If only all of the grandmas of the world could have seen what transpired over the course of the next THREE HOURS.

Matt got out his computer to "quickly create an account." The site had no information on him, so Matt dug out some handwritten notes his mom gave him recently on his family tree. We then went through them, painstakingly, FOR THREE HOURS, putting in every scrap of information we had.

We inserted dates. We included places. Marriage information. Death information. Everything we could possibly find. From time to time, something we included would match up with something already in the system and suddenly a bunch of his line would populate, extending back for centuries. And we would cheer.

And THAT'S how they get you!

Finally we logged into relativefinder.org and joined the Stranger group. I was certain Matt would be related to no one because he's a southern-baptist-raised Mississippian (or, as he says it, "Miss'ippian," which is good sense because WHY ARE THERE SO MANY LETTERS). But, to our surprise, we are tenth cousins.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?

I AM RELATED TO MR. OLLIE PANTS! But NOT closely enough to make our impending marriage illegal in any of the 50 states.

Take THAT, the law!

Strangely enough, Matt is much more closely related to Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and several other famous Mormons than I am. I think his ancestors were probably supposed to come out west but they got distracted making gumbo and went to Miss'ippi instead.

Matt then discovered that he is a direct descendant of Queen Something or Other so he has been asking all of us for the last few days to refer to him with various dignified royal titles. He's even been posting Instagram photos of his royal ancestors.

Then tonight I went to his house and saw Ollie.


Matt: You can now refer to him as King Ollie Pants of Scotland.

Eli: Oh gosh, Matt. I think you're taking this thing too far.

Matt: Or am I not taking it far enough!?

Eli: Well, at least he's all ready for Halloween.

Matt: No, this isn't his Halloween costume.

Eli: Seriously? Then what is this for?

Matt: This is just because.

If the Mormons don't use Matt on their next video promoting genealogy, THEN I GUESS THIS ISN'T EVEN AMERICA ANYMORE.

P.S. I wrote this post on my patio and in my Snuggie. SO YOU'RE WELCOME.

Hashtag I didn't wake up like this but you better believe I'm going to bed like this.
~It Just Gets Stranger

33 comments:

  1. I was up til 2 on Friday night doing genealogy.
    I blamed it on you, Eli, and my husband was all, "who's Eil?"

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    Replies
    1. He's Jake, from State Farm...

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    2. I love that I've brought the joys of genealogy to all of you! :D Now I'm not the only 2 am genealogist! Bwahahahaha!

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  2. I'm on Team Not Far Enough. I also found out that I'm a direct descendent of some Hungarian king, and I can't wait to plan my next trip to Hungary to triumphantly reclaim my birthright and restore the empire to glory. (Are you going to Hungary anytime soon? We should totally meet up!)

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    Replies
    1. Donna! My favorite international traveling buddy! I can be there by tomorrow at 2:17.

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  3. I'm terrified of this relative finder thingy for several reasons.

    1. I will probably find out I'm a directly related to some wretched human - like Hitler or Stalin or worse..I mean if there is a worse or,.
    2. I will find out I'm royalty, only my holdings are in bankruptcy in Moldavia and I owe approximately $42,422,000.42 to the government of that country and when they find me I'll have to go on what my generation called "the lam", or
    3. I will find that I'm related to ALL THE STRANGERS, and then each and every one of you will want a sweet globe that LIGHTS UP FROM THE INSIDE.


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    Replies
    1. Why wait until we know how we're related? I would like a sweet light up globe right now! What do I need to do offer to receive one? My two front teeth? My future first born child?

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  4. Dressing up your dog? Seriously? Matt...you and I can no longer be friends. Our countries are now at war, as I am a descendant of the King of the Franks, and we of France do not tolerate dressed up dogs. HAVE AT THEE/EN GARDE!!!

    Oh, and Eli...what the heck? Have you even ever been to Canada?
    "@EliMcCann
    If you want to see how long people can sit in their cars doing nothing, create a four-way yield intersection in Canada."

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes it's disappointing how long it takes you to notice I'm trying to harass you. It's like you don't even care. [Walks away with slumped shoulders]

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    2. I don't need you. I'm related to Elvis, Davey Crockett AND some presidents.

      James A Garfield 10th Cousin 4 times removed
      Elvis Aaron Presley 11th Cousin 3 times removed
      David Stern Crockett 13th Cousin
      Lyndon Baines Johnson 12th Cousin 2 times removed
      Theodore Roosevelt 13th Cousin
      Millard Fillmore 14th Cousin 1 times removed

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    3. I'm just wondering, how exciting is it for you, as a Canadian, to be related to American presidents? Because as an American, I have to admit that I wouldn't know the name of a single Canadian political leader... sorry.

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    4. Truthfully, it's not, that was just for jokes. I wouldn't even be excited if it was a Canadian politician.

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    5. Lee, what if you were related to Diefenbaker...because come one, his name was Diefenbaker.

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    6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Replies
    1. Exactly. NOT THAT AN IMMORTAL BEING CAN AGE.

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  6. Genealogy is awesome, but it makes my head hurt.

    And how come I'm not related to any royalty? I want a recount!

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  7. I actually lost a whole block of my life for about 3 months or possibly a year, working on Ancestry.com. Same story.

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    Replies
    1. Time does cease to be felt, but accelerates on by. It's a relativistic effect. When you're working on finding relatives, time is relative. :)

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  8. Has anyone checked out the geneology for Paul Simon? Maybe one of us strangers are related to him and can invite him to Eli's for Thanksgiving.

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    Replies
    1. OH MY GOSH SOMEONE PLEASE KNOW HOW TO DO THIS HELP ME WHY AREN'T YOU PEOPLE HELPING ME!!!!

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    2. It doesn't show living people you're related to unless you're in a group. So Paul has to be in our group in order to see if we're related to him.

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  9. You look a little crazed in that snuggie picture!

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    Replies
    1. I thought he kinda looked like a waxed version of himself - you know - for the Eli McCann Waxed Hall of Fame Museum.

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  10. "Take THAT, the law" is my new favorite Stranger-ism. If only I had read this sooner I would have triumphantly said that with my fist raised after being dismissed as a potential juror yesterday.

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  11. I just logged back into relative finder (It's not like I have other work to do, oh wait...) I'm related to 242 people in the IJGS group, this makes the holidays a lot more complicated. Who's hosting Thanksgiving this year?

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    Replies
    1. A bunch of people must have just joined. My number went up to 36. You're still the farthest cousin I'm related to in this group.

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    2. That's how I like my relatives, from afar.

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  12. As a lady living in Utah but raised in the deep South I have fresh fried chicken at all times magically at the ready. That's just good manners. And the last photo of you in the Snuggie made me laugh out loud.

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  13. Oh heck, I did it! I have no idea how, but now I have Stranger relatives (or relative Strangers?) A. Beck, you are my 6th cousin, once removed!

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