Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Not Far from the Tree

Recently I was in the car with Matt and Wade. I was ranting about how my mother will reluctantly agree to allow me to bring something to a family dinner party but then when I show up, I find out that she made her own version of my assignment "just in case" and then mine inevitably gets sent home with me, untouched. I was complaining about how she doesn't trust me and how offensive this is. The car got quiet and then Matt and Wade said some variation of, "um . . . that's what you do to us."

I am my mother's son. I admit it. For the last four birthday parties Wade has offered to make the cake and each time I have stepped in and made it before he had the chance. It's a control problem that I inherited from Cathie. One that was proudly displayed at family dinner on Sunday.

Cathie: We are very excited to have everyone come for Thanksgiving this year.

Eli: That reminds me; we need to make food assignments.

Cathie: Ok. I think Krishelle should bring [something complicated], Krisanda should bring [something complicated], Micalyne should bring [something complicated], and Eli . . . um . . . you could do . . . corn? Like in the microwave? Do you know how to do that?

Eli: Are you kidding me, Cathie? Corn?

Cathie: Corn is a very important assignment!

Bob: Very important. We need someone to bring corn and we know you will do such a good job.

Eli: Why do you guys still talk to me like I'm an easily-manipulated 10-year-old.

Cathie: We don't think manipulating you is easy.

Bob: And we just know you will be so good at bringing corn.

Eli: I don't know why this family doesn't give me some credit. I am a very good cook. [Looks to sisters for support; 2/3 of them politely and unconvincingly nod.]

Cathie: Well we don't deny that you've improved over the years. If you ignore 2013's Robitussin pie.

Bob: And last year's soap pie.

Eli: Those were cherry and pumpkin, thank you very much. And I'm sorry they weren't to your liking.

Krishelle: They weren't to anyone's liking. The Robitussin pie looked like you picked it out of a garbage can behind a preschool on art day.


Eli: Low blow, Krishelle. I never claimed to be good at presentation. Let's keep it above the belt here.

Cathie: Good? We would settle for anything above repulsive. The first bite is taken with the eyes and I have been figuratively throwing up for two years because of what you did to this family.

Eli: Ok, so I won't make a cherry pie. But I still demand to be responsible for something other than corn.

Cathie: Fine. You can do the . . . green bean casserole.

Eli: Ok. That's a little more like it. I will gladly do the--hey, what did you just whisper to Micalyne?!

Cathie: Huh? Oh. Nothing.

Eli: No, you whispered something. What did you say?

Cathie: Oh . . . it was just about . . . Star Wars . . . and . . . menopause.

Eli: No it wasn't. Micalyne, did she just ask you to bring a backup green bean casserole?

Micalyne: And corn.

Eli: YOU DON'T EVEN TRUST ME WITH THE CORN?!

Cathie: No.

Eli: YOU DON'T TRUST ME WITH ANYTHING!

Cathie: Hey, that's not fair. We trust you with Robitussin!

~It Just Gets Stranger

55 comments:

  1. That pie looks perfectly fine to me. Besides, once you throw some ice cream and/or (AND!) whipped cream on there, it doesn't matter what the pie looks like. All you'll see is DELICIOUS!

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  2. This may be my favorite Cathie line in the history of ever: "The first bite is taken with the eyes and I have been figuratively throwing up for two years because of what you did to this family."

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    1. Definitely best line ever. It made me laugh, because it's hilarious, but then it stops my laughter, because oh my goodness that's so true! The first bite is with the eyes!

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    2. Agreed! I hereby nominate Cathie for another Tellin' it Like it is Award

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    3. I literally snorted when I read this! Haha!! I <3 Cathie!

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  3. Also, P.S.: this showed up in my blog feed right below this little gem: http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/mothers-game-cock. You can't make this stuff up.

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    1. HA! I just saw that too! hashtagqueenofcolors

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  4. That pie looks better than what I could do :)

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  5. Your family never stops cracking me up! Hey, wait! I just remembered. We're 12th cousins! That means MY family never stops cracking me up!

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  6. You should have me make the pie for you, I make amazing apple pies (my family always has me make them) and my presentation is definitely better than repulsive! I always make something cute out of the pie crust. Last Christmas I made the top a snowflake :)

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    1. First: show off ;-) second: you'd have to marry Eli to make this work because you would set a standard for forever. Right now that standard is dumpster Robitussin on preschool art day, do we really want to jump all the way up to Snowflake Apple in two years?!?!! Are you trying to help or hurt here?

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    2. Hey I tell her all the time she needs to marry Eli they are literally the same people *Minus their pie making abilities *😂

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    3. Hmm you make an excellent point...I could always start with a classic apple pie that's a little lopsided on the trimming so it's more of a middle school art day than preschool....and we'll gradually build up!

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    4. Mmm...apple pie. What about pumpkin, blueberry and cherry pie? Do you make good pumpkin, blueberry and cherry pie too? Cause if so, then I think you need to adopt me, and feed me lots of pie. Although I'm probably older then you...so maybe I can adopt you and you can still feed me lots of pie. I don't have a daughter, and my wife never makes pie...so that would fill two holes in my life. See it all works out. Then you can marry Eli and he can be my frienemson-in-law. See, this all works out perfectly. I am such a genius!

      Eli, you better treat her right or else.

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    5. I definitely can make other pies, I just usually make apple cause that's what my family likes but I would love to adopt you/be adopted!! I agree Lee, your plan is a pretty dang good one :)

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    6. Don't worry Lee, I'll make you a caramel pecan pumpkin cream pie for Thanksgiving, seeing as how we're 14th cousins and all.

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    7. WOOO! More pie! Excellent.

      My mom used to make awesome pie's. She was great at baking. But she never does it anymore. She's 75 now and has told us she's "retired" from cooking for the most part. She still makes pumpkin pie but she uses bought crust, but her pie filling for it is delicious even though the crust is sub par. She also still makes meat pie at Christmas. Again, crust is meh, but the meat filling is so awesome. I should get her to show me how to make them.

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    8. My mom is 74 and her cooking and baking has slipped a little the last few years, but I figure she gets a pass since she raised 7 kids without smothering a single one of us with a pillow in our sleep. The only culinary delight of hers that has remained superlative is her chocolate dipping, although she makes me and my siblings beat her centers for her before rolling them out for dipping. My arms are still sore from October.

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  7. Star Wars and . . . menopause. Love it!

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    1. ONE MONTH TILL STAR WARS DAY YAAAAAHHH!!!!!

      Sorry...I got a little excited there. Wooo...didn't mean to get off topic...



      ...The Force Awakens in ONE MONTH YEAAAHHH!!!

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    2. Do you have your tickets yet????

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    3. Yes! 2 sets. One for Friday with my buddy, one for Sunday with the family.

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  8. I love how in the pie photo it's like you started with the best of intentions, weaving the pastry...and then it looks like you gave up on the last two and just chucked 'em on. I give you a 9 out of 10 for effort.

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    1. Haha, great observation!!!

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  9. Dude why is the crust so thick? I'm pretty sure whatever recipe you're following doesn't call for play-dough. Unless you did get it from the back of a preschool.

    Otherwise it doesn't look...that bad. *ahem*

    ...awkwaaaaard.

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    1. Are you kidding? It looks like a (literal) bloody mess. Maybe Eli should stick to things that aren't red, or contain more than one ingredient.

      I know, corn..he can definitely bring corn. From the can. You know what? Maybe Eli should just bring a can of corn, and then talk about how exhausted he is from *cooking* all day.

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    2. Sshhh...I was trying to be nice.

      Bringing corn is one thing. But cooking it. Weeeell, I don't know. Even a can of corn.

      Eli, if you bring a can of corn, make sure not to put the can in the microwave. You have to actually remove the corn from the tin first and place it into some kind of glass or ceramic bowl, then microwave it. Cooking it on a stove is better but I don't want to get you too confused.

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  10. I get excited when I DON'T get a food assignment, want to trade families? But then I go and do something stupid like invite 20 people over for a Hanukkah dinner that takes me 2 days to prepare. I'm a glutton for punishment.

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  11. Wait - people don't like the taste of Robitussin?

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    1. Robitussin is good, but not in pie that will be eaten in a pie crust with a spoon or fork with ice-cream.
      Maybe in cake form, like a red velvet Robitussin rum cake?

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  12. My husband's side of the family has been giving me the "corn" assignment our whole marriage. If I am given a step up assignment they do a back up also....the only exception is if the assignment is given directly to my husband and I am not to be involved. I choose not to be offended. I just enjoy thanksgiving morning by going rollerblading and watching the parade on TV. Just enjoy the meal that you didn't expend an ounce of effort on. Of course it usually means I have dish duty after wards...maybe I should start dropping dishes so I can get out of that job too.

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  13. I spend elebenty-hunnert hours in the kitchen, all on Thanksgiving day, to make the entire meal from scratch. By the time we eat, I have to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks so I don't go face first into the perfectly browned sweet potato souffle.

    I rarely eat more than a bite or two, because exhausted.

    But, you know what? The compliments, the sticky kisses from the grandkids, the oohs and ahhs from the parents, it......

    I was about to say it makes it all worthwhile, but that's a load of crap. It's not worth it, and it will take me three days to recover...at least.

    I'll trade places with you this year, Eli, okay? We can go all out Mrs. Doubtfire on you, and I'm sure your hair will be perfect.

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  14. You could just pull a June Snapple and stick to mac n' cheese with sandwiches, cooking can be messy.

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  15. The pie crust lattice (googled to get the right word here) reminds me of the time in 2nd grade when we were making paper witches for halloween and the perfect ones would be show cased during Open Day for parents to see. My witch didn't make the cut because I glued to arm on the front of the dress instead of behind it, even though I thought I did everything perfectly.
    Anyways, fast forward 30 years, I just got assigned corn for our office thanksgiving potluck lunch and was given the exact directions on how to prepare it. This is not fair, I had volunteered to do the cranberries and promised to have it in a perfect cylindrical shape as well but no such luck.

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  16. Woah...what the heck just happened around here? Did Blogger upgrade their site or did you do something to the site Eli?

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    1. Oh good, I think it was just me that the site looked strange to.

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    2. Matt has begun the process of revamping things so it doesn't "look like Microsoft 1995" anymore. Big changes to come.

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    3. Yes and don't judge its current state... we have a lot of work to do. I just started playing with the blogger settings and didn't realize we had officially changed anything. Welcome to the future, Eli.

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    4. Finally, someone who knows how to computer.

      ;)

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    5. I know, The Suzzzzzzzzzzz. Matt promises our lives are going to get better.

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    6. You know - 1995 was a VERY good year for me . . .and for Microsoft . . . .I don't see why we have to leave it.

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    7. Oh...scorch, pow!

      Let me get some aloe vera for that burn Eli.

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    8. I feel like someone should have distracted me with a brownie and then broken the news. Matt, I feel betrayed, like I even question is Eli's hair is going to be as fabulous after the shift or if the new layout is going to some how diminish it.

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    9. Well I think we are going to keep the layout mostly as it is. We'll just see a different banner and some other clean up. Also, do you people really hate this new font? I like it. Am I wrong. AM I WRONG ABOUT THIS?

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    10. I'm not sure why we weren't consulted about this change BEFOREHAND, Eli. Thought we were your bestest cousin-friends.

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    11. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry ithinkitlooksmore1995 i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

      I'm sure Matt will do a great job and can't wait. When he's done he can go design redesign my blog. kthanksbye

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  17. https://www.yahoo.com/makers/pumpkin-pie-shaped-carriage-goes-172828122/photo-the-fairest-pumpkin-pie-of-1447956757816.html

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  18. Let me give you the secret for awesome crust. This took me years to perfect. Step 1, use a recipe that calls for egg and vinegar. It makes it much easier dough to roll out and surprisingly has great flavor. Step 2, instead of putting down flour when you roll out the dough, use powdered sugar. Step 3, roll the dough thinner than you did with that last pie. Like, a lot thinner. Step 4, don't use canned filling for fruit pie, just use frozen fruit, slightly thawed add 3-5 TBS flour, 3-5 TBS sugar, and 3-5 dabs of butter and stir together. It will clump to the frozen fruit and that's okay. Dump in your pie dish and cook. Also, you are in your 30s, you don't have to listen to your mom anymore! Bring something surprising and awesome not on the food assignments. Rebel this Thanksgiving!

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    1. Oh, and please only use butter in the crust recipe. Margarine and crisco are of the devil. Any pie using these ingredients will try to steal your soul... And your health.

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    2. YES. Butter ONLY. Nothing hydrogenated!

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    3. I wish you had a name Anonymous, I'd add you to my list of cooking heroes.

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  19. Thanks the Suzzzz, it wouldn't post under my google login. The internets were conspiring against it. But I hope you try the recipe! --Kristin

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