Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Paparazzi

You guys, I had my five seconds of fame yesterday.

I was wandering down Main Street, minding my business, politely singing Jenny From The Block quietly and to myself, when I was abruptly pulled aside by a news man with a microphone. 

He asked me if he could interview me and I was all like "OMG PAPARAZZI I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE" but then he asked me what my name was and I realized that this wasn't a celebrity interview so I was really offended. 

It wasn't a huge surprise that I was selected from among the masses because first of all I was having a pretty good hair day, but second, I was the only person on that stretch of sidewalk who wasn't still drunk from the night before. NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT DRUNK MEANS, CATHIE.

I've never turned down an opportunity for attention so obviously I agreed and subtly shifted so the camera would be on my good side.

Then the interview started.

News Man: We just found out that Utah was named the best place ever in the history of ever by the blah blah blah blah blah. What do you think about that?

Eli: Really?

News Man: Yes, really. Why? Don't you love Utah?

Eli: OF COURSE I LOVE UTAH! DID SOMEONE SAY I DON'T LOVE UTAH?! WAS IT JOLYN?

News Man: Can you tell us why you love Utah?

Eli: Well it's great! Besides winter inversion. And the drought. And the road construction near my house that has been going on for a year. And the cold. And the snow. I hate snow.

News Man: Um . . . Snow is actually a big part of why Utah has been named the best place ever. That's why people come here.

Eli: Well that's fine for those people. But it's not fine for this guy [does a dramatic arm swing to point right thumb at own chest].

News Man: Ok . . . So, can you tell us what you like about Utah?

Eli: Oh and sometimes the politics here drive me crazy. I mean, politics are annoying everywhere, but they're uniquely annoying here.

News Man: But why do you like living in Utah?

Eli: Well I don't think I would want to live in southern Utah. I mean, I don't like snow, but it is SO HOT down there. Have you ever been to St. George in the summer? HELL'S. FURNACE.

News Man: You do understand that I'm trying to conduct an interview about why Utah is great, right? 

Eli: I'm so glad you are! Utah IS great!

News Man: Can you say one positive thing so I can actually air something from this interview?

Eli: I like that we can drive just a few hours south and go to Arches. Zion is great, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE SNAKES DOWN THERE. 

News Man: I can work with that.  (Find me at about 37 seconds in).

Also, I really like that a screenshot of my big moment looks like I'm Utah's top destination.



Bob and Cathie did their part by setting the DVR to record every news broadcast on every channel in every country of the world to capture my big moment. It played throughout the evening and they've been acting like snobs to all of their neighbors ever since.

Broadway has already called me like 300 times today. I've been having to wear sunglasses everywhere so people won't recognize me. It was hard enough being a celebrity in Bosnia. This is just too much.

~It Just Gets Stranger

38 comments:

  1. I was really hoping for the whole interview. But #media likes to hide the truth about the way people feel.

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    1. Hashtagweonlywantpopularopinionsinournewsfeedthankyouverymuch. No wait that's wrong, Hashtagweonlywantallopinionsfrompeoplewithamazinghairinournewsfeedthankyouverymuch.

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  2. Eli Whittlebottom McCann, where is your coat young man? Don't you realize that it's December? Sorry, I was channeling my mother for a second.

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    1. Saw your comment on their webpage already... LOVE. IT.

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    2. Aimlessly interneting is what I do when I'm on hold at work, I'm on hold a lot...

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  3. Can all the strangers spam the comments about how popular and famous Eli is and how much we love him?

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    1. Obviously this needs to happen. We haven't trolled news sites for a while.

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    2. Omg. The comments are already amazing.

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    3. Gah. I just wrote and deleted like four different comments on the actual website. I'm not witty tonight apparently. Ha. I love what some other Strangers wrote though.

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    4. I am loving the comments on the news website.

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    5. right now, the "Utah is the best place to visit" on the 4UtahKTVX website has 20+ comments while the news items have 2 or less. Good going Strangers!

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Does the Utah tourism bureau know about you? Because, they should!

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    1. If they didn't before after all of the comments on the news station's clip they're bound to soon!

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  6. I'm glad you weren't still drunk from last night. Also can my house be one of the few that you drive south?

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Hey! You corrected the typo! This makes my post much less funny!!! I am so offended and outraged!

      For the record it originally said " I like that we can drive just a few houses south and go to Arches. Zion is great, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE SNAKES DOWN THERE."

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  7. You said Zions instead of Zion. Just like every basic utah white girl.

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    1. I know. And I hated myself the moment the word left my mouth.

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  8. You know, Eli, you might hate the cold and snow a little less if you were properly dressed. If God wanted us to freeze, He wouldn't have given us fashionable winter wardrobes.

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    1. MOM, when did you learn how to internet?!?

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  9. Hey!! I KNOW HIM!!

    That's pretty much exactly how I would be in such an interview. In fact, I was interviewed by a reporter one time and, mysteriously, it never made it to air...

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  10. Oh my gosh I lost it at "politely singing Jenny From The Block quietly and to myself". I recently found out my younger siblings don't even know that song! What? How can they live? J to the LO.

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  11. Wait 'til Paul Simon sees this!!

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  12. The two seconds of the opposite of everything else you said. Were you interviewed by Rita Skeeter?

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  13. So exciting that you were the only normal ... wait, um ... regular? Or, um, let's see ... person on the street? That's good. So exciting that you were the only person on the street who was included in the final clip!

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  14. One year when there were lots of inversions, my school made a club to organize carpooling to reduce emissions. One day KSL came to see how cool our school is. I was a passenger in an old white van that probably produced the emissions of 12 newer vehicles, but hey, it was carpooling! As we pulled into the parking lot the camera crew hurried over to us to hear our deep thoughts on the environment. I thought I might have something intelligent to say, so I said I had some thoughts. Before I knew it they thrust a microphone at me and I said something about as profound as "good air is good. Bad air is . . . bad." I hoped and prayed they wouldn't use that clip.
    But it was not to be. Later that day my aunt had the TV on, heard my voice from another room, and wondered if we had stopped by for a visit. Alas. I had made it on TV, and I was so embarrassed.
    Ever since, as much as I've secretly wanted to be a famous person, I've decided it isn't the life for me. What if I had to go on TV again???
    On the other hand, the camera loves you. (That was really what I was getting at with this whole story.)

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  15. *slow clap* Outstanding performance as usual Eli! :)

    Chaun from www.hiccupsandpastries.com

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    1. That cat picture on your site is awesome (weekly photo one).

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  16. First, This whole post and comments are pure gold. Love it. Second, somewhere along the way I must have missed the link to the actual clip. Will someone kindly post it? Eli, you are a humor genius. The inly thing slightly better than your humor may be your hair, but it's probably an unfair comparison.

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    1. He included the link in the post but here you go again!

      http://www.good4utah.com/news/local-news/utah-is-the-best-place-to-visit-in-2016

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  17. The Perfects have to take you into their fold now. They can't deny your stardom any longer.

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  18. Utah's top destination? Forever 21, apparently.

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  19. Omg I can't believe you made me watch a news clip. I don't watch THE news

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    1. I know, right? I NEVER watch the news; not ANY news from any station: local, regional, national, or even intelligent (international). I HATE the news. But after this post and all these comments, I am going to have to watch the clip. I'm hoping it's just a little clip, and I don't have to slog through a bunch of "news" to get to Eli.

      Wish me luck!

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    2. Oh, thank goodness! Less than a minute in, I was able to close the video playback and get to the goodies - the COMMENTS! I love how there is not a single comment from anyone who is NOT a Stranger. That is really saying something. Good job, Eli. We have all drunk your koolaid, and we're very happy in our delirium.

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  20. Once I got interviewed during a zoo/trick-or-treat thing, they asked me what I like the most about it, I told them I liked it because the cows were furry (it was near winter and cows grow fur to keep themselves warm) they cut it out sadly, I was around 8 at the time and had never gotten close to a cow in the winter time. Although I was happy to see myself on TV

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