I was wandering down Main Street, minding my business, politely singing Jenny From The Block quietly and to myself, when I was abruptly pulled aside by a news man with a microphone.
He asked me if he could interview me and I was all like "OMG PAPARAZZI I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE" but then he asked me what my name was and I realized that this wasn't a celebrity interview so I was really offended.
It wasn't a huge surprise that I was selected from among the masses because first of all I was having a pretty good hair day, but second, I was the only person on that stretch of sidewalk who wasn't still drunk from the night before. NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT DRUNK MEANS, CATHIE.
I've never turned down an opportunity for attention so obviously I agreed and subtly shifted so the camera would be on my good side.
News Man: We just found out that Utah was named the best place ever in the history of ever by the blah blah blah blah blah. What do you think about that?
News Man: Yes, really. Why? Don't you love Utah?
Eli: OF COURSE I LOVE UTAH! DID SOMEONE SAY I DON'T LOVE UTAH?! WAS IT JOLYN?
News Man: Can you tell us why you love Utah?
Eli: Well it's great! Besides winter inversion. And the drought. And the road construction near my house that has been going on for a year. And the cold. And the snow. I hate snow.
News Man: Um . . . Snow is actually a big part of why Utah has been named the best place ever. That's why people come here.
Eli: Well that's fine for those people. But it's not fine for this guy [does a dramatic arm swing to point right thumb at own chest].
News Man: Ok . . . So, can you tell us what you like about Utah?
Eli: Oh and sometimes the politics here drive me crazy. I mean, politics are annoying everywhere, but they're uniquely annoying here.
News Man: But why do you like living in Utah?
Eli: Well I don't think I would want to live in southern Utah. I mean, I don't like snow, but it is SO HOT down there. Have you ever been to St. George in the summer? HELL'S. FURNACE.
News Man: You do understand that I'm trying to conduct an interview about why Utah is great, right?
Eli: I'm so glad you are! Utah IS great!
News Man: Can you say one positive thing so I can actually air something from this interview?
Eli: I like that we can drive just a few hours south and go to Arches. Zion is great, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE SNAKES DOWN THERE.
News Man: I can work with that. (Find me at about 37 seconds in).
Also, I really like that a screenshot of my big moment looks like I'm Utah's top destination.
Bob and Cathie did their part by setting the DVR to record every news broadcast on every channel in every country of the world to capture my big moment. It played throughout the evening and they've been acting like snobs to all of their neighbors ever since.
Broadway has already called me like 300 times today. I've been having to wear sunglasses everywhere so people won't recognize me. It was hard enough being a celebrity in Bosnia. This is just too much.
~It Just Gets Stranger