Tuesday, February 16, 2016

A Terrorist Plot

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your amazing support of Strangerville, the podcast Jolyn and I kicked off last week. Within the first few days thousands of you downloaded and shared our first episode and we were so blown away by this response. We have much more content coming your way, so please stay tuned. And please subscribe to us on the iTunes if you haven't already. I think you can do that by clicking here. Or just search for Strangerville.

Seriously. Go do it right now. I'll wait. I promise. I won't say another word until you come back from doing that. I'll even close my eyes and meditate so you can rest assured that you won't miss anything.

. . .

Ok. Thank you so much for doing that. I have a confession. I didn't meditate. I just watched a cat gif for 3 straight hours while you were gone. THIS cat gif.


I've been more than slightly paranoid lately. I have no idea where this is coming from but I decided some time ago that someone is probably trying to kill me.

I'm basically turning into my crazy grandpa, who I think has spent at least 45 years of life sitting on his front porch holding a rifle.

It all started about a month ago when I noticed that some sort of tree or bush or something or other that was growing in my backyard was missing. On closer inspection I discovered that it had been sawed off completely.

I swear I heard thunder when I noticed this. You guys. I'm not supposed to have a crazy stalker. I'm supposed to BE the crazy stalker.

This bothered me for a few days. And then I returned home from the office one evening to discover that my back gate had been left open. Footprints in the snow revealed that someone, presumably a man, based on the foot size, had walked in circles in my back yard before wandering back down the driveway.

I immediately retrieved my industrial-strength bike lock and chained the gate tightly shut. And then I continued to live in fear.

I had told Matt about this concern but I suspected he thought I was imaging things. And he asked, astutely, what someone would get from walking in a circle in my back yard and from chopping down some kind of tree or bush or something or other.

He pointed out that nothing on the patio had been stolen, and that it seemed like if it was terrorists scoping out the joint, like I had suggested on several occasions, surely they would have executed some kind of plan by now.

But I'm old enough now to know that, by definition, crazy doesn't make sense. And so I stopped trying to make sense of what was happening and instead just assumed that death awaited me.

I have told everyone in my life about this fear. I have stayed awake in bed, imagining my murder and wondering who would attend the funeral and how my hair would look and stuff. This has consumed a lot of my life. I'm not kidding you about this. I really thought someone was stalking me and preparing to kill me in the most inhumane way possible. I even wrote out a speech in my head, which I was going to use to plead with the perpetrator. It was very good and involved quoting several of the founding fathers. I may use it at the DMV one day for completely unrelated reasons.

Then, two days ago, a note was left on my door on a day I had inadvertently left the gate unlocked. The google fiber people notified me that they had walked into my back yard to access a utility pole of some sort. I wandered back there and verified that fresh footprints came from the same shoe that had left the footprints previously. (I had taken pictures of the first set of footprints and texted these pictures to several friends for the FBI to investigate when I wound up murdered).

I still don't have an answer about the tree or bush or whatever that thing was. But this experience has made me realize that I've probably spent too much of my life hanging out with Rebecca.

~It Just Gets Stranger

24 comments:

  1. I think by telling everyone in your life about this you have made yourself vulnerable to some serious pranking.

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  2. It could still be two completely separate issues. Or three issues.

    1. Google fiber people.
    2. Serial killer yard wanderer.
    3. Serial plant killer.

    It's been nice knowing you.

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  3. I'd make fun of your paranoia, but I suffer from it to except for even more ridiculous reasons so... I was thinking it was a Hydro (or whatever way you guys get electricity in your state) guy that was coming to read your electric meter. They do that up here.

    As for your bush, are you sure it was sawed off and some kind of dear or animal didn't eat it?

    Seriously though, if I lived near you and knew that it would bother you this much, I'd go stalk you all the time and do things to freak you out. Just feel lucky I don't live close by. But if I ever visit Utah, the gloves are off, and I'll be messing with you. Just don't call the police on me. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lee.
      For the real.
      Eli is like a baby bunny that needs care and protection. Only with much better hair and teeth. You do know that rabbits can become so frightened that their heart will literally give out? Eli already has a heart condition. Do we really need to test the limits of his fragile, baby bunny heart?
      I submit that we do not.
      Bless your heart.

      Delete
    2. New t-shirt idea "Bless your fragile baby bunny heart"

      Delete
  4. Next time I get ready to serial murder someone I will remember to leave a "Google Fiber" note to explain why I was in their backyard.

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  5. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you . . . . .

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  6. Get a Neste Camera! It'll give you peace of mind. Plus, you can video ALL your shenanigans with the Perfects's's's's's's's's. And maybe, if we're lucky, we'll get an update on your hair DAILY.

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  7. Replies
    1. "Sorry, Bob and Cathie. Someone name 'awesomesauciness' called it. Them's the rules of the Internets."

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    2. Uhh...is that how things work? Dibs on Eli's house and everything else that's in it!

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    3. So does that mean the driveway and anything on it are up for grabs? Just asking...

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    4. I just want the house and whatever is inside of it, including whatever people or pets are in there at the time.

      Whatever is outside the house is up for grabs.

      Delete
    5. Oh, except for the Paul Simon collection which Awesomesauciness got. Damn her and her quick wit to think of calling dibs on those.

      Delete
  8. It was only Google?! I thought for sure it was Jolyn setting up an awesome April Fools prank.

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  9. I've been a Stranger stalker for a very long time. And I give points to the "Google fibre" (whatever THAT is) stalker, for kicking it up a level. Also, after all this time, I'm not sure who I want most to marry... Eli, Lee, The Suzzzz, or Jolyn...? Or Matt. Or Mr. Pants. (Although my husband would likely be rather alarmed at this list, for a number of reasons) But I'm putting in my order now for the "fragile baby bunny heart" shirt. And why has no one called dibs on Eli's hair?

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    Replies
    1. Eli's hair is a thing unto itself. That's how it's so perfect all the time. So Eli's hair calls dibs on itself. Maybe it will run off with Tami and class her up a bit more.

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    2. Aw...I'm on your list. Petitcanard you just know how to say the right things. :)

      Regarding his hair, the problem is, once you shave it off it just falls all over the place. We'd have to find some industrial strength bonding agent to keep it in place. And then if you do that, it'll probably be all stiff and stuff, so we won't be able to run our fingers through it or anything. It just ends up being a big mess.

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    3. I think the best solution is the scalp. Take off the hair and the scalp and then it has something to adhere to for shape, so you can still run your fingers through it.

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    4. Glad I'm not the only one who thought of scalping Eli. Not that we know what scalping is, Cathy...

      Delete
  10. I bet the tree/shrub/bush theft was the Perfects. Because they are just a little too perfect, don't you think? I think they wander into their neighbors' yards and steal their foliage.

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