Cathie: How's my baby boy!?
Eli: Still in his 30s, Cathie. I'm kind of freaking out. I think I got pinkeye and I wonder if I need to go to the emergency room.
Cathie: And what were you doing to get pinkeye, young man!?
Eli: Can we please not turn this into evidence that I was misbehaving and focus on a solution here?
Cathie: Well, the first thing you need to do is not come over to my house.
Eli: I think that plan of attack is only aimed at helping you.
Cathie: I need to hang up. I feel like I'm at risk right now.
Eli: Does this mean you're speaking to me again?
Cathie: I've just read all about pinkeye on the internet. Did you put your face in the sewer this weekend?
Eli: What kind of a question is that?
Cathie: I don't know your life!
Micalyne: Can you please stop talking to mom about your pinkeye? She keeps texting the rest of us pictures she's finding on the internet of infected eyes and this can't go on.
Eli: Why is she doing that?
Micalyne: She said she's trying to scare us into staying away from you.
Eli: So she's trying to protect you guys from me?
Micalyne: I don't think so. She's trying to protect herself from you. She's worried we're going to hang out with you and then go to her house.
Eli: So I'm basically going blind and Cathie's only concern is that I might get pinkeye on her house?
Micalyne: That's another thing. Will you PLEASE stop over-dramatizing this? You and mom feed off of each other. She's been google mapping ambulance routes from your house, your office, and various other locations you might happen to be at and then calling to tell us about the road construction that may prevent you from getting emergency care all because you mentioned the words "emergency room."
Eli: SO SHE THINKS THIS MIGHT BE AN EMERGENCY, TOO?!
Micalyne: Ugh. I'm stepping out of this.
Eli: Excuse me?
Cathie: You need to wear sunglasses because your eyes are really sensitive right now. I just read about this.
Eli: I'm so scared.
Cathie: I know, honey. Your father thinks we're overreacting, but I think you're dying and we'll have the last laugh when they're all proven wrong.
Eli: Do you have any other advice for me?
Cathie: Yes. Make sure your house is clean. We aren't the kind of people who let emergency responders into a dirty home.
Cathie: Hello? Are you still alive? Are you wearing sunglasses?
Eli: Yes, I'm alive. No, I'm not wearing sunglasses. And I'm hosting a dinner for a bunch of people and I'm making BBQ beef sandwiches and I wondered what brand of BBQ sauce you would recommend.
Cathie: . . . you aren't making your own?
Eli: Can we please not do the shaming thing right now? I'm dying from pinkeye. I have to use my remaining moments wisely.
Cathie: And so you're using them to shatter your pioneer Mormon mother's heart by buying food from the store you could have made yourself?
Eli: NOT EVERYONE CAN GRIND THEIR OWN WHEAT, CATHIE.
Bob: How is your pinkeye?
Eli: I'm just taking it day by day right now. Trying to stay brave.
Bob: You know that this is a very common thing that people experience, right?
Eli: Cathie said this isn't common and I'm very special.
Cathie: [yelling in the background] Ask him if he's wearing sunglasses!
Bob: Are you wearing sunglasses?
Eli: Yes. I'm wearing them right now.
Bob: Yes, he's wearing them right now.
Cathie: Oh great. Well I've read that wearing sunglasses is the best way to spread the infection from one eye to the other so I guess he doesn't even care about his health anymore!
Cathie should have been a physician.
In other exciting news, check out our first Strangerville Short!
~It Just Gets Stranger