Sunday, May 29, 2016

So Rebecca Called

First of all, check out the latest and greatest Strangerville Short, a brain-child of Jolyn Metro.




Second, this happened:

Ring ring

Eli: Becky! Bonjour! Il y a des ours gommeax dons mon pantalon!

Rebecca: You just said "Hello. There are gummy bears in my pants."

Eli: Oh really?

Rebecca: What did you mean to say?

Eli: That.

Rebecca: I don't have time for this nonsense right now. I have very important news for you.

Eli: Why do I feel like you're about to tell me you've already moved  back in with me and I'm going to find you in my house when I get home from work?


Rebecca: You wish.

Eli: What, then?

Rebecca: I'm getting MARRIED!

Eli: No.

Rebecca: Yes.

Eli: No.

Rebecca: Yes.

Eli: No.

Rebecca: Yes.

Eli: Well it seems I can't talk you out of it.

Rebecca: You can't. And you shouldn't try. Because this is great news.

Eli: So you left me and moved across the country to catch yourself a man and it actually worked?

Rebecca: Well, I don't know if I would put it all that way, but I am getting married.

Eli: And you want to name your first several children after me?

Rebecca: Do you really think subtly slipping that into conversations is actually going to work one day?

Eli: A MAN CAN DREAM.

Rebecca: Listen. I need to ask you a very important thing and I need you to not get offended about it.

Eli: DID SOMEONE TELL YOU ABOUT THE RINGWORM I HAD WHILE WE WERE LIVING TOGETHER?!?

Rebecca: Huh? Ringworm?

Eli: Oh. Never mind. What were you going to say?

Rebecca: I need to know if you'll be my person of honor at my wedding.

Eli: Duh. I was already planning on doing that.

Rebecca: Oh good.

Eli: Why would I be offended by this?

Rebecca: I don't know. Men are weird. I didn't want you to feel like I was emasculating you in some way by giving you a position that is typically reserved for women.

Eli: Honey child. I've been the man of honor at two different weddings already. I basically invented the position.

Rebecca: Why does this not surprise me?

Eli: Now that we've established my role, I have certain duties I need to fulfill.

Rebecca: Like what?

Eli: I need to talk to you about something that might be a little uncomfortable.

Rebecca: I hereby absolve you from the duty of explaining sex to me.

Eli: On the wedding night, the man has certain hopes.

Rebecca: Did you not hear me?

Eli: Passion is a very normal feeling among adults.

Rebecca: Stop.

Eli: When a man loves a woman very much, he sometimes wants to express that passion in ways that are unfamiliar to the naive.

Rebecca: You know that you are very unqualified to give me this lecture, right?

Eli: Bob and Cathie once read a book to me called "You Were Smaller Than A Dot."

Rebecca: I'm hanging up on you.

Eli: A woman can bear children just by looking at a man for a very long time.

Rebecca: You aren't even saying accurate things anymore.

Eli: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S ACCURATE, YOUNG LADY!?

Click.

~It Just Gets Stranger

10 comments:

  1. Why do I feel disappointed that Rebecca is getting married? This is good news. And Eli has Matt in his life right now. And Jolynn. But...I feel like we will have even less Rebecca shenanigans now...

    Also: please give me the sex talk if I ever marry, Eli.

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  2. Great post, sir! And I enjoyed your use of the word "emasculating" -- this is a word many of your readers were unfamiliar with in the comments of your post titled, Prison (1/19/15). Happy Memorial Day, and keep your clothes on! Au Revoir.

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  3. I need to learn French . . .

    Congratulations, Rebecca!!!

    Eli, does this mean that some day soon you'll have Mrs. AND Mr. Rebecca living in your house?!

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  4. I live in a suburb of DC. I have a guest room. The person of honor should seriously consider my offer of free use of my guest room if the wedding is here. I promise I won't give out any information to other Strangers about you. Or take pics. Or ask you to be fully clothed at all times. And I'll do your laundry. :)

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    Replies
    1. But will you let him wear your clothes?

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  5. My parents read the same book to me. I tried looking for it when it was time to teach my daughters, but alas, I couldn't. So, I ended up telling the truth instead. Totally disappointing.

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  6. Congratulations to Rebecca! I am anticipating the blog about the wedding and Eli's duties already!

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  7. Thanks everyone for the well wishes :)

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  8. So glad we did IVF now. The talk about where babies come from: the doctor makes them in a dish!

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  9. Hilarious!! And also, congratulations to Rebecca, but especially to you for your honorable position in her wedding!

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