Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Fan Mail

First, thank you for the awesome response and support of Episode 6 of Strangerville this week. After it was released, Jason, who was featured in the fourth segment in which he shared a story about a man named "Shorty" who tried to help him find a place to sleep when he was stranded in Wyoming, was able to dig up an old photo he took of Shorty in 2002.


Please check out The World of Homelessness if you haven't already and let us know what you think.

And now, an email exchange I had last year that I completely forgot to share with you until just right now AND I'M SORRY OK?!:


From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Pathetic

Eli I wanted to let you know that I think your writing is really terrible and I wish you the best I really do but you are obviusley trying to confiscate for something the way you lie and tell things that arent true and I think you are doing a lot of harm to people by your liberal ways. I wish you the best I really do but I just hope that you get hurt and you cant use your hands anymore because then we wont have to read your lies anymore. Larry


To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Dear Larry,

I think the most helpful thing you could do right now to protect people from my liberal ways and lies would be to start a counter blog. Perhaps you could call it "You Can't Spell Lie Without Eli." Or something else. You seem clever and I bet you could come up with a name. I think this site would help protect people from relying on all of the very harmful advice I give and I'm certain it would be popular. You could probably even make money off of it and hire employees to help with the fact checking. Speaking of which, are you hiring? I feel that I'm perfectly suited to help with the fact checking considering that I am the person who is being fact checked and I know myself super well thanks to lots of therapy and the amount of time I spend in front of the mirror every morning saying things like, "you got it, dude" and "you are so pretty."

Sincerely yours forever,

Eli


From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Do you think I even have time to write a blog only loosers write blogs. And your email is another proof that you are arrested in development because you are constantly self defecating in your writing. good luck brother. You need it.


To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Dear Larry,

I feel like I need to correct you here; I used to be self defecating, but I stopped doing that by like the Eighth grade and by the time I finished high school, nobody in my graduating class even knew about it. Mostly because my family had moved to another school district by then, but still. And the self defecation wasn't even my fault. I lived on a farm growing up and all we ate was field grass and pop rocks candy (because we knew how to have fun back then without sexting) and as you know, Missouri field grass is nature's most powerful laxative and is literally illegal in over 1,200 countries. As you can imagine, riding the bus to school after that kind of breakfast forced a lesson in self control that no child should ever have to experience. As a result of my failures in this area, I literally only had one friend during the years of 1972 - 1995, during which I was in fourth through seventh grades and that was the bus driver. Then, as you know, the government killed him like it did all of the bus drivers and forest service rangers at that time and replaced him with self-driving buses and if you've ever tried to make a computer your best friend, you know how quickly some very confusing romantic tension can develop.

Yours in the eternities,

Eli


From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Lies. Do you see how pathetic you are that when someone emails you abuot lies you don't even stop but you just say more lies? I bet you don't even know what is true anymore and the saddest thing is that your hole life probably wont even have a single friend not even a computer because who would want to be friends with you. I bet the people you talk about on your "blog" aren't even real if you had to prove it you couldnt produce one single one of them.


To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Ok, Larry. Up to this point I've been immune to your attacks, but putting the word "blog" in quotes has wounded me to my very core. Take it back.

Also, I'll have you know, I am exceptionally popular. To prove it, I have actually asked all of my friends to gather for a photo that they each authorized I use to fend off future attacks on my ability to win friends and influence people. The photo is attached.



From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

oh and let me guess thats you on the stage and all of your friends are cheering for you. you are so pathetic.


To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Gosh, no. That's Oprah Winfrey. She's my warm up act. I don't know what your friendships are like, but mine mostly consist of people adoring me while I stand on stage and nod at them knowingly. Sometimes I even show skin because sex sells.


From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Don't you dare talk about my friends you don't know a single one of my friends and I know I have more than you could ever imagine having because at least I'm honest. I swear if I had your number I would call you right now and give you a peace of my mind.


To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Larry, that is a phenomenally good idea. Would you please give me a call at your earliest convenience so we can discuss this mano a mano, but telephonically? My number is 801.484.7311.


From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

You coward that is the number to Walmart. If you were a real man you would give me your real number.


To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

My goodness, Larry. I gave you my work number because I'm working a double shift right now. Did you even ask for me? I'm actually the manager and I go by a different name at work because I try to keep my life compartmentalized for legal reasons. So call back and just ask to speak to the manager and they'll come get me.


From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Nice try. That wasn't you. I bet you don't even work at Walmart. You probably don't even have a job.


To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Well now you've said two offensive things. Fortunately for me, this one is also easily refuted. Please see the attached photo.



From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Nice try moron. Go back to your terrible writing. I'm done. I'm probably not even going to read it anymore. You just lost a pressious reader. I hope your happy about that.


To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

I need to go anyway, Larry. I just spent the last hour snacking on a barrel of wheat grass. Twice up it, and once down the side.

~It Just Gets Stranger

39 comments:

  1. I always knew that you were confiscating for your self defecation since the hole world thinks you're a looser, but I know your readers are very pressious to you, I'll keep reading your "blog" anyway, and keep my peace of my mind to myself.


    (Commenting as "Anonymous" so that the spelling and grammatical atrocities in the above comment can't be traced back to me. It was painful to make said errors deliberately.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry to say but......Larry is an IDIOT!!!!!!!!

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  3. Lol. This is amazing.

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  4. This reminds me of the time when my sister and I were fighting over who had more friends. We wrote all their names down. When I saw that she had more names than I did, I started writing down "her friends" names too, and "won" the argument. She probably will never know that she was by far more popular than I was ;)

    Also, in case you need encouragement, your hair looks fabulous!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh dear, Larry sounds like he needs a hug. Your responses were funny but not mean, which I appreciate. I realize I sound like Larry's mom here. (P.S. I'm really not Larry's mom.)

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  6. I don't know why but the part about "over 1200 countries" made me laugh so hard.

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  7. I am SO making that my profile picture, me and all my BFF'S's!

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  8. I don't understand why people would continue to read things like this if they feel the way Larry does. Fortunately for you, he does and emails you about it so we can all get a chuckle. Unfortunately for me, I have a brother named Larry that IS this moronic and I'm worried it may have been him.

    Also - can you tag me in that photo? I'm the one of the far right.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think "Larry" is really Jolyn posing as "Larry."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's what I was thinking too.

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    2. I wondered, too, for a time. Then I found Larry on Facebook.

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    3. She's a tricky one. Easily capable of making a fake fb account!

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    4. I'm clearly reading these from the bottom us as I comments on The Suzzz's post before seeing this one . . .

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    5. Oh hell, Nicole, you don’t need a recipe. It’s just a cup of flour, a cup of sugar and a cup of fruit cocktail WITH the syrup, stir and bake in a hot oven ‘til golden brown and bubbly. I serve it with ice cream to cut the sweetness.

      Delete
  10. Don't you DARE talk about Larry's friends, E-LIE! I'll bet you don't even work at Walmart! Larry's probably not even going to read your pressious "blog" anymore!

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  11. Anyone else think "Larry" is probably Jolyn??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OHMYGOSH it never occurred to me but you could be completely correct!

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  12. It's called spell-check Larry, it's been around for more than 50 years, please use it. I realize spell-check would not have caught hole instead of whole and peace instead of piece...for that you would need an education. Please, for everyone's sake, get one. While you're learning get a dictionary and just read a page every day. Maybe you'll come across words like hyperbole and sarcasm and facetiousness and irony. And maybe, just maybe, you'll find the word humor and eventually develop a sense of humor yourself. Larry, you make me sad.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, Larry is just pressious, bless his heart. (Southern thing, look it up if you don't know.)

    As is your Walmart Employee of the Month photo, Can't-Spell-Lie-Without-Eli. Look at all that flair!

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  14. OMG you are genius! can't stop laughing... :,)

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  15. Dear Shorty from Wyoming,
    I'm sorry I read each of Larry's exchanges with your picture in my head. I'm sure you're a lovely man.
    Love, Alanna

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh, Larry, you scoundrel. I too love the hobby of reading terrible writing (in the spare time I claim to not have) for fun by looser bloggers.

    Thank goodness for Larry because, honestly Eli, everyone has been wanting you to ~change your ways~.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry, but I believe you meant looser "bloggers."

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    2. Well thank heavens he isn't a tighter "blogger"!

      Delete
  17. I have NEVER, in all my 342 years, known Eli Whittlebottom McCann to ever, ever lie or even exaggerate.

    And I should know this, because I am him and he is I. That's right folks, awesomesauciness is really Eli Whittlebottom McCann. And awesomesauciness never lies or exaggerates. Not once in his/her 352 years on Earth.

    This is Earth, right? Sometimes I get Earth confused with Mars...what? It happens, people. Let's just see how good your memory is when you're 362 years old.

    Now GET OFF MY LAWN!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Self defecating?! Wowser, I'm glad you grew out of that. Nasty habit

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  19. I'm always fascinated by the people who seem to believe they HAVE to read things just because they're on the internet.

    Also, Larry seems like a lot of fun. Can someone please give him a ride to the family reunion??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Speaking of the family reunion when is it? I'm bring Russian potato salad and lunch lady peanut butter bars!

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    2. I'm pretty sure The Suzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz was supposed to plan it.

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    3. You all missed it, it was at Eli's house while he was galavanting around Eastern Europe a while back. That's the real reason all his plants are dead.

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    4. The Suzzz - I still need to get the recipe for that dish you made - it was to DIE for!

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    5. The Suzzzzz, I thought we agreed to never speak of it!

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  20. You kinda freak me out sometimes, Eli. Keep it up, it keeps me coming back.

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  21. Two things: I don't know why but the line about 1,200 countries made me choke, and that is the best use of twice up the barrel, once down the side I have ever seen.

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  22. I'm not sure why I felt compelled to fact check this, but I called the number to verify that it does, in fact, belong to Walmart.

    I loved this exchange more than you can know.

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    Replies
    1. I love you for doing this and love you even more for telling us about it.

      Delete
  23. what if Larry is someone, besides jolyn, trying to jerk your chain? He did an exceptional job. I think we should be friends with him. Sounds like he has lots of friends to bring to the party. hmmm...maybe it's Lee?

    ReplyDelete