Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Wedding Picnics


This weekend is Rebecca's wedding, which she purposefully planned at the exact times that I have eleventy other commitments. And because Rebecca insists on being a complication in my life:

Ring Ring

Eli: What.

Rebecca: I need you to do something for my wedding.

Eli: I'm already in charge of the clowns. What else could you possibly want me to do?

Rebecca: The wedding picnic. I need you to plan the wedding picnic.

Eli: That's not a thing.


Rebecca: Yes it is. And don't forget about my gluten intolerance.

Eli: How could I? You reference it literally every time we talk to each other.

So now I'm planning something called "a wedding picnic" wherein I'm supposed to feed 70 people at a park on Saturday. And I'm supposed to somehow do this despite having work obligations all weekend long, including during the wedding picnic.

Also. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL IS A WEDDING PICNIC?!

I started calling every store in the greater United States of God Bless America to figure out, logistically, how I could order food that I can pick up at exactly the right moment near the location of said wedding picnic, get it set up, be in two places at once, AND have the best hair. FOR MY SPECIAL DAY.

I don't think I have anger management problems. I've never really had an issue in that area. But I did notice that ordering food for a wedding picnic that I don't even have time to attend considering that there are 300,000 other wedding festivities happening all weekend AND OH MY GOSH WHY THE HELL ARE WE DOING A WEDDING PICNIC is sort of a weak spot for me in this area. Because every time I placed a phone call I could actually feel myself getting crankier. Especially when:

Ring ring

Coscto: How can I help you?

Eli: Hi. I need to order some meat trays for a wedding picnic.

Costco: That's not a thing.

Eli: Look, honey. If you can convince bridezilla of that, I will send you balloons and name a star after you. But until then, I need to order some meat trays to pick up next Saturday.

Costco: Well you can't do that over the phone. You have to come into the store.

Eli: That's not going to work for me. I live an hour away from you and I can't come to the store until literally five minutes before the wedding picnic begins.

Costco: Well, you need to talk to someone in the deli then and maybe they can take your order over the phone as an exception.

Eli: Ok, so can you get them on the phone?

Costco: No. They don't have a phone.

Eli: You do know that you are the one who just came up with the phone proposal, right?

Costco: Maybe I'll transfer you to the bakery and they can go find someone in the deli to come talk to you.

Eli: Fine.

Transfer

Bakery: Bakery, how can I help you?

Eli: I need to talk to someone in the deli about a wedding picnic.

Bakery: That's not a thing.

Eli: I DIDN'T COME UP WITH THE IDEA, OK?!

Bakery: Hold please.

I was then placed on hold for exactly 27 minutes. Then the call was disconnected.

It was at this point that Brianne called me. I don't know exactly what tipped her off that I was nearing toddler-needing-a-nap level on the irritability scale, but the next thing I knew, she and Skylar simultaneously texted me and informed me that I was no longer allowed to plan the wedding picnic because "we don't have time to deal with your character flaws right now."

About two minutes later Skylar texted me and said he had ordered all of the food for the weekend (not from Costco) and that if I complained one more time about wedding picnics and how THEY AREN'T EVEN A THING I was going to lose all of the relationships in my life that matter to me including him, Matt, Ollie, Tami, and Brianne. And not necessarily in that order.

Oh. Also I was told that I'm no longer allowed to call Rebecca "bridezilla," considering that she has been "nothing but perfectly pleasant" and "you are the only one who is acting like a monster right now."

So now I'm back to not complaining about the wedding picnic. Or Rebecca. Or the fact that I think I'm just really sad that she's getting married and leaving me forever. Because that's what this is really all about. Even though I'm very happy that she's so happy. But I think it's possible to be simultaneously happy and sad about the same thing. I know it is. Because I am.

So I'll go to the wedding picnic I didn't plan. I'll make my toast to the beautiful bride who has changed my life in ways she'll probably never fully know. And I'll try not to look emotional in front of her when I say goodbye and send her back to Mississippi, where she lives now.

And then I'll help clean up the wedding picnic.

Even though it's not really a thing.

~It Just Gets Stranger

33 comments:

  1. Definitely possible to be sad and happy at the same time.

    This was a beautiful, funny post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My first thought was "why don't you ask Brianne to help?" And by ask of course I mean beg on your knees and then shower her with gifts because you in no way deserve her. Evidently you don't deserve Skylar either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eli didn't want me to outshine him with my amazing wedding picnic planning skills. Can you imagine what a mess Eli's life would be without me in it?

      Delete
    2. Brianne - I remember the PB years . . . it wasn't pretty.

      Delete
  3. Is this like a wedding brunch the day after the wedding? Because THAT'S a thing. A wedding picnic? No. Not a thing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Aw, it's so sad seeing you go through this "best friend is getting married so I'm losing her" phase. I've seen so many people go through it. Good post. Funny, honest, you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The happy/sad is such a real thing I can't believe it doesn't have its own word. Surely there is a word to describe this feeling? An overwhelming urge to scour the dictionary is coming over me. Must resist... Busy day, I actually didn't even have time to read stranger today and now I am commenting!! Ahhhh! I spent two hours at yoga this morning to clear my mind of stress. You can see how that has worked for me. Alright, things to do. Things to do. (Add search dictionary to to-do list, Siri. Thanks)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the only existing word for that is bittersweet. But since bittersweet is just two antonyms squished together, I don't see why you couldn't just make your own word. Gloomyglad. Weepywonderful. Dolefuljoy. Woebegoneglee.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous, I think we have to all start using "woebegoneglee" from now on. You beautiful creature, you.

      Delete
    3. Woebegoneglee is quite possibly the best thing I have ever read.

      Delete
    4. I was in love with dolefuljoy until I read wobegoneglee and that became my new favorite word of all time. Seriously - I am going to use it every chance I get - we need to get this word into the Urban Dictionary!

      Delete
  6. Wedding picnic? That's not a thing.

    On a more serious note, though, I totally understand how you're feeling right now because I have been there so many times. It's hard. But you have great friends, and you're not losing Rebecca. It's just going to be different now.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Now Eli, just so there's no confusion...

    YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET NAKED FOR A WEDDING PICNIC.

    It's optional.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good to know he's got options. Would it still be an option if it were a formal wedding picnic? Or is nudity only an option at dressy casual wedding picnics?

      Delete
    2. Formal wedding picnics require a black tie, but other than that the nudity is still optional.

      Delete
    3. Formal wedding picnic = mostly nude - he'll have to wear a bow tie and cummerbund (a word that does not look at all like I think it should btw)

      Delete
  8. Losing Tami sounds even more painful than looking at Tami.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Saudade: a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" after someone is gone.
    (Saudade is a word in Portuguese and Galician (from which it entered Spanish) that claims no direct translation in English.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for this! I have been trying to find a word for years to describe that exact definition.

      Delete
    2. And Eli, there's a great set of piano pieces by Darius Milhaud called "Saudades do Brazil" - I think the 7th one ("Corcovado") is great for capturing this two-feelings-at-once feeling because it is bitonal, or in 2 keys at the same time (the right hand in one key and the left hand in another). Good call, Anonymous, on the word saudade in the first place!

      Delete
    3. How did I not think of saudade? I speak Portuguese!! Although, I always think saudade leans a little too heavily on the melancholy side of the feeling, and not enough on the "but I really am happy too, somewhere under the sad" so, much as I like it I think I vote woebegoneglad for this case. Either way, saudade is a good word!

      Delete
    4. I still prefer woebegoneglee . . . .

      Delete
  10. Saudade is a good fit. The only English word I could come up with is "bittersweet," but I don't think that adequately expresses the full emotional range of what you're feeling.

    ReplyDelete
  11. if they get divorced, you can do the divorce meal

    ReplyDelete
  12. My brother kind of had a wedding picnic thing before the wedding ... except they got a guy with a street taco cart to come. It was awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  13. laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.

    ReplyDelete
  14. There is no such thing as a wedding picnic...but good to know that there is woebegoneglee.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I just had to do it - I googled wedding picnic. Actually I yahooed it - I'm not much of a google person - anyhow - there are loads of pictures of wedding picnics out there. Scads and scads of them. Oh wait! I just looked again - I did google it - how did that happen?

    Anyhow - it is evidently a "thing".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And as soon as this community gets to work, "woebegoneglad" will be a "word". Let's do this people!

      Delete
  16. Okay, people. We need to focus. How is it that you live an hour away from Costco? Priorities here ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I live an hour away from the Costco that was near the wedding picnic. And logistically it only made sense to purchase from that Costco on the wedding day.

      Delete