Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Letters From HR

Week One

            Good morning dear office and happy New Year! I hope everyone enjoyed the holiday. This is your friendly office HR rep here to help you ring in the new year! I’m new around these parts and happy to be working with you! Because of the incident with Fred in November, HR has a new mission to improve office morale and as a part of that mission, I have decided that this year the HR rep should be better about communicating with you all through messages just like this one. Through the end of 1984, I will post a letter on the front door every week with uplifting messages for you all to read and think about for the remainder of the working days. My messages will usually just contain an inspirational phrase to help you remember how important the work is that you all do here! So please take a moment to read these messages every Monday morning and help me make 1984 our best, and safest, year ever!

            We’ll start this week off with an old classic: When life hands you lemons, make lemonade! This is a message I know each of us who is still here in the office can definitely use!

Cheers,

Megan

Week Two

            Thanks for the great first week. The message for this week: A penny saved is a penny earned. Something we could all remember on pay day this Friday!!! Smiles and laughs!

Cheers,

Megan

Week Three

         Happy Monday, busy bees! January might be a little chilly and dark, but let’s not forget an important message: It’s always darkest before dawn!

            One note to the janitorial staff: I noticed that the last few weeks these bulletins were removed by Tuesday. I am hoping we can keep these up for the entire week. Could you please not touch this one? Thanks! Your work is valuable!

Cheers,

Megan

Week Four

            Finishing out January with great memories already. I know this was a difficult week for some of you when Fred’s wife came by to view some of the damage. But I hope we can all look at these types of things as positive steps! Small, but positive. Don’t forget: Drop by drop fills the bucket!

            JANITORIAL STAFF: I assume you didn’t notice my message last week. Please DO NOT remove this sign. Thank you.

Cheers,

Megan

Week Five

            I know that some of you have become involved in the law suit against Fred’s family. I want to remind you about the importance of keeping conversations related to these law suits out of the work place. You all have important jobs to do. There is nothing to be gained by talking with one another about what different lawyers have promised you or speculating about whether or not Fred intentionally brought that bear into the office. Please, try to remember: patience is a virtue! 

            JANITORIAL “WORKERS”: TU NO HABLES INGLES?! NO TOUCHY THESE NOTES!!! COMPREHENDE!?

Your HR Rep,

Megan

Week Six

            I would like to apologize for what some of you viewed as a “racist” gesture in last week’s note. I did, in fact, include a very poorly translated message in Spanish, which was intended for the janitorial staff, whom I believed to be ignoring my messages asking them to not touch these bulletins. I meant no harm. And while, as it turns out, the janitorial staff DOES have some Spanish speakers, apparently assuming this and writing messages to them in Spanish is “inappropriate.” Even HR people make these kinds of mistakes! So I guess this week’s message: Nobody is perfect!

Sincerely,

Megan

Week Seven

            I received a note from the janitorial staff explaining that they have not taken any of these notes. However, these notes have been taken every single week, usually on the day I post them. This leads me to believe that someone in this office is taking them down. I want to believe that you are doing this because you gain so much from them that you want to keep them forever. Please stop this. I would be happy to make you a copy each week if they mean that much to you.

            This week’s message: Every time you point a finger, three are pointing back at you.
Sincerely,

Megan

Week Eight

            I will have this door monitored this week and I will find out who has been taking these notes. So if you don’t want to get caught and severely reprimanded, I strongly suggest that you leave this bulletin ALONE! I will not warn you again!

Seriously,

Megan

Week Nine

            To the person who wrote on the bottom of last week’s note, “Why are you threatening to monitor the door? Why not just monitor it and catch the victim unexpectedly?” I would have you know that I was trying to handle this situation like an adult and give you the opportunity to behave like an adult and not have to face the consequences of your unprofessional behavior. You did not take this opportunity and instead took the bulletin down the next day. Because I was monitoring, I know who you are. Please report to my office by noon today.

Megan

Week Ten

            Last week the person who has been taking these notes was supposed to report to my office and that person defied my orders. I know who you are. I am giving you until the end of the day to turn yourself in. If you do, I will ensure that the punishment for your behavior is decreased significantly. I will not give you another chance.

Megan

Week Eleven

            I am NOT going to put up with this any longer. If anyone has any information about who might be drawing pictures of me with what appears to be a long stick coming out of my behind area and who is taking these bulletins down each week, please report to me immediately. I will ensure that you are rewarded for your information.

Megan

Week Twelve

            It has come to my attention that Tom is the person who has been acting inappropriately. Tom, because I do not have concrete evidence that it is you, I will not take further action at this time. But I wanted to post this note today to let everyone know that I am on to you and that I WILL be watching you. Tom, you're a complete jackass. And I hope that karma seriously pays you a visit!

Megan

Week Thirteen

            It is with heavy hearts that we return this work week, mourning the loss of our colleague and friend Tom. We are proud that if Tom had to go, he was able to go while performing such an act of bravery. We are certain that his family will be proud of his efforts whenever they see a school bus of children in the future.

            On a personal note, as some of you are aware, I wrote a message last week in the bulletin that some feel sounded somewhat accusatory of Tom and that may have implied that I wished hardship to befall him. I certainly would not wish that of anyone, and certainly not of a person like Tom, even though he was taking these notes week after week. Unfortunately, that bulletin has gone missing (probably because Tom took it) so you are unable to read what I wrote and see that I wished no ill will toward anyone. Tom was a prankster, and I’m thankful for his congenial spirit, which I will miss just like the rest of you as we celebrate this Easter season. Life is precious.

Sincerely,

Megan

Week Fourteen

            Whoever took down last week’s bulletin and replaced it with the one from week twelve will pay serious consequences when you are caught. I hope that you think about the harm you have caused. Because you have been too cowardly to admit to your wrongdoing, Tom’s final moments were lived out under the whisperings of scandal. Tom was innocent but because of you, his name was tarnished in the final moments of his life.

Week Fifteen

            Larry, are you the person who has been taking these notes down? Rot in HELL Larry!

Week Sixteen

            The first person to take down this note is a moron!

Week Seventeen

            You think you’re so funny changing the words “take down” to “write.” I don’t care what words you changed. YOU took the note down a few days later. I hope other people saw it so they could see how moronic you looked!

Week Eighteen

            Didn’t get to collect the bulletin last week? What’s that? Did the HR rep spend the entire week camped out in front of the door from the early morning hours until late at night? WHO’S THE MORON NOW!?

Week Nineteen

            I have decided that because it is impractical for me to man the door at all times, and well after working hours, to protect my bulletins, I will instead be displaying personal information for various employees’ performance reviews each Monday on these bulletins until the culprit comes forward. Think about what you’re doing to your colleagues.

          Janae: Last year Janae’s half-year performance review listed her as “behind target,” “slothful,” “distracted,” and “wholly unpresentable.” Janae, I don’t know you, but you sound like a real piece of work! I hope I don’t have to start listing your communicable diseases next week!

Megan

Week Twenty

            When I was informed about Janae’s stage five cancer and her leaving work last summer to live out her final weeks, I immediately took down the bulletin that I had posted. I am certainly sorry for the things I shared about Janae. I did not know her and was unaware that she was no longer employed in this office. I was also unaware that her widowed husband still works in this office. I would like to formally apologize to Larry for any of my behavior that he may have found disrespectful. My predecessor, rest his soul, did not exactly leave me with organized records and Janae’s file was clearly still in the wrong place.

            I would ask that whoever made a copy of Week Nineteen’s bulletin and has been hanging it around the office since last Monday, please stop doing this, for Janae’s sake.

Week Twenty-one

            You know, I took this job because I imagined that working for a church would be an uplifting experience. I guess I was wrong! I don’t know exactly who is responsible for spray-painting devil horns onto my picture in front of my office, but I can assure you that whoever it was will be caught and reprimanded. You do not want me to involve upper management on this. Thus far I have kept them entirely out of the loop on what has gone on this year. I have done that for YOUR benefit. But you are starting to run out of my good graces!

Week Twenty-four

            I took a few weeks to clear my mind a bit and the vacation was well needed. I know things got a little heated before I left and while I was gone I was able to reconnect with the whole purpose of what we do here and I realized that if we don’t get out of the office sometimes, we are all susceptible to unproductive expressions of our frustrations. Fred’s bear incident just after Thanksgiving was of course a perfect example of that. And I’m certain that if Fred hadn’t fallen chest first onto the miniature steeple out front during the chaos inside, he would tell you today that a little time out would have done him some good as well. That’s why I have proposed and obtained approval for an office team-building afternoon out in the warm summer sunshine for this Friday afternoon! Bring sunscreen!

Week Twenty-five

            Because of the very disappointing behavior that took place during Friday’s team-building activities, all team-building activities will be cancelled for the foreseeable future.

Week Twenty-six

            Whoever wrote “mission accomplished” at the bottom of last week’s bulletin, I hope you think about the damage you caused in your efforts to get your own way. I’m sure Denise is grateful for the second degree burns on her scalp and consequently her half-bald head. I do not believe that Bryce was acting alone, but I am certainly pleased that he was terminated for his conduct.

Week Twenty-seven

            Welcome back Denise! The team missed you and looks forward to some great days ahead!

Week Twenty-eight

            In response to the accusations, I did NOT mean anything whatsoever by my use of the word “ahead” in last week’s bulletin. Denise’s injuries are unfortunate, and I am the last person in this office who would think that they are the source of jokes.

Week Twenty-nine

            Hey everyone! Great to be back here for another week! I look forward to working with such a talented and impressive team! Don’t forget, you’re only as strong as your weakest teammate! Let’s do some good! You guys inspire me constantly!

With gratitude,

Megan

Week Thirty

            Hello again! The jokester who took last week’s bulletin got me again! I am so impressed with your tenacity and spirit!

          Hey, one quick personal note this week, if you don’t mind: My son is raising money for the color-guard team at his school and is asking for pledges. Basically, you just pledge a certain amount of money for how many times he can march back-and-forth across the football field within a twelve-hour period. If you care to donate, I will have the sign-up sheet just outside of my office! Thanks in advance!

Cheers!

Megan

Week Thirty-one

            Whoever pledged “Megan’s fake boobs” on the sheet last week has made it clear that this office needs a little refresher course on what constitutes sexual harassment. We will be conducting a FOUR-hour lecture on this tomorrow afternoon. You can thank your hysterical coworker for this.

            I will leave the signup sheet for pledges on my door until Wednesday. I sincerely hope you will consider pledging something as I’m certain the time will come when your child will need donations for his or her bail.

Week Thirty-two

            Writing “something” on every line on the signup sheet is the weakest joke you have come up with all year.

            I will not ask you again. Do NOT remove these bulletins. They are to stay on the door until I replace them with the next bulletin.

Week Forty

            I’m back! I was hoping you wouldn’t have gone to any trouble with a welcome sign or any indication that I was missed, and you didn’t disappoint! It’s like you didn’t even know I was gone! The almost two months I spent in training were very refreshing, primarily because I got to spend them away from you jack-asses. I learned many new tricks of the trade and because of your shenanigans this year, I want you to know that I’m going to make working in this office a living HELL for you people for the remainder of your careers.

Megan

Week Forty-one

            I did not see the surprise welcome-back party, which occurred moments after I posted last week’s bulletin, coming. Thank you so much for thinking of me. I can only imagine last week’s bulletin was taken down by someone who hoped to protect me from the embarrassment of getting upset over nothing. You guys really are like my family! Thank you.

Thankfully,

Megan

Week Forty-two

            Training this week. It is mandatory. Please do not touch this bulletin.

Week Forty-three

            I refuse to believe that nobody showed up for training simply because they didn’t see last week’s bulletin. You heard me make the announcement orally multiple times. The bulletin served merely as a reminder. While it is frustrating that someone continues to take the bulletins down when I have asked nicely that they not do so, I cannot let you blame your irresponsible behavior on this.

Week Forty-four

            We are approaching the one-year anniversary of the Fred Bear Incident. This month, let’s honor the memories of Janice, Brian, Tina, Christian, Justin, Florencia, Tino, Jasper, Jessica, Mark, Peter, Jacqueline, Matthew, Tyrel, Jason, David, Ryan, Samuel, Daniel, Annette, Stacie, Flick, Jose, Jon, Thelma, Teresa, Tami M., Tami L., Heidi, Janice, Cynthia, the Gordon sisters, all of those who were injured but not killed, and of course Fred. I know that many of you were in the office and have vivid memories of decapitated heads smashing against the wall and limbs being ripped from the bodies of your colleagues and friends. If you need it, please feel free to come and see me this week. But let’s not forget that we have a lot of work to do! A productive office is a happy one!

Megan

Week Forty-five

            I understand that this office typically takes several days off for Thanksgiving. In an effort to save money this year, we will be working on Thanksgiving week with the exception of Thanksgiving Day. Please plan accordingly.

Your HR Rep,

Megan

Week Forty-six

            As some of you know, someone let a raccoon into my office over the weekend. This raccoon defecated on and destroyed furniture. While this may have been intended as an act of practical joking, I can assure you it is being viewed as an act of vandalism. An investigation is ongoing and the person responsible will be prosecuted accordingly.

Megan

Week Forty-seven

            I would think that with what happened just one year ago, this office would know better than to bring animals from outside into the office. I want you to know that the police are taking very seriously the twelve stray cats that were released into my office this weekend. I have been very patient all year with this behavior but I have given you too many chances. I will be holding you financially responsible when I find out who is behind this!

            Having to work with you bastards all year, I don’t blame Fred for what he did! 

Week Forty-eight

          You all have just gone above and beyond in your community outreach recently! Our jobs to help provide for the homeless in this city sometimes seem daunting and impossible. I am SO happy that you were generous enough to let the homeless in this weekend to take your things and piss in your drawers! I mean, I know I didn’t ASK you if that would be alright with you, but you’ve been letting so many animals in lately, I didn’t think you would mind if I invited people off of the streets to come in, too. Happy holidays!

Megan

Week Forty-nine

            BURN IN HELL! ALL OF YOU!

Week Fifty

      YOU PEOPLE ARE THE MOST VILE MAGGOTS I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF MEETING! IF SOMEONE TAKES THIS NOTE DOWN, I SWEAR TO YOU ON FRED’S GRAVE THAT I WILL DO SOMETHING SO MUCH WORSE TO YOU ALL THAN FRED EVER DREAMED OF!!!

Week Fifty-one

            I refuse to believe that nobody remembered to tell me that that magazine was coming to take photographs last Monday to feature our office in an article about churches involved in charitable service. I hope you are happy that a picture of last week’s bulletin made the front cover. You have taken these bulletins down EVERY FREAKING WEEK all year long and you just HAPPEN to leave that one up last week?!

Week Fifty-two

            Just wanted to say goodbye. I sincerely hope that my replacement is a serial killer. P.S. I HOPE YOU LIKE MY PARTING GIFT!

Megan

Week One

            Happy new year dear colleagues! I’m excited to spend this year with you! I hope to make it a great one full of positive energy. I know that there were some very unfortunate issues with your HR rep Fred a while back and then even more with his replacement, Megan, last year. I want everyone to know that I was able to visit Megan this week and the doctors hope to transfer her to a more comfortable facility soon if they feel she is no longer a threat to herself while she awaits her trial. In the meantime, for those interested, Larry’s family will be holding a candle-light vigil and prayer service in hopes that the remainder of his body will be found soon.

Sincerely,

Jason

~It Just Gets Stranger

33 comments:

  1. How funny. Great way to begin the new year

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  2. Given that this had no prelude, I am left to guessing, and my assumption is that this is an example of your creative writing.

    If so, keep it coming!!! I enjoyed reading it.

    If not, I'm really glad I don't work in that office . . .

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    1. Assume away, but I'm certain I've read this - or variations thereof - a number of times over the years.

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    2. I wrote this one day while I was very bored in Palau. Then I found it recently and started the PTSD sweats.

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    3. I ain't no plagiarizer, awesomesauciness!

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    4. Punkin...never said you were, calm down and let's just say you aren't the first to have this idea. I've seen a variation of this in printed form, mind you, that goes back to at least the mid-70's. Shall we say that great minds come up the similar creativeness?

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    5. Incidentally...my HR person's name is Megan. And honestly most of these felt really, really familiar.

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  3. LOL!!! I LOVED this!

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  4. I started today in a seriously bad mood and this helped tremendously - thank you!

    On a side note - how big is that freaking church that it has that many employees????

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    Replies
    1. Maybe it's one of those mega churches? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megachurch

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    2. Hey, you'd need a lot of employees too if they all died constantly! It's just good business sense!

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  5. I've worked in a number of horrid offices, and created a couple of blog posts detailing the insanity.

    https://awesomesauciness.wordpress.com/2011/12/08/part-one-i-used-to_______/

    https://awesomesauciness.wordpress.com/2011/12/09/part-two-i-used-to____________/

    And if I were smarter I'd remember how to insert a hyperlink. But I don't...because OLD.

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  6. Alright, who gave Eli my diary and changed my name to Megan?

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    Replies
    1. Sorry, but in my defense you never expressly forbade it.

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    2. Mea culpa, looks like I need to go into hiding now.

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    3. If you hadn't fessed up we'd have no idea it was your pseudonym - guess it's time to go back into witness protection!

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  7. I nearly peed my pants on the list of names that just kept going and going!

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  8. In case anyone was wondering, it's even funnier reading it a second time and out loud to coworkers.

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  9. What the heck did I just read?!? The Year of Creativity is off to a great start! Oh, how we miss 1984!

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  10. This is one of my favorite things you've ever written.

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  11. Can someone please PLEASE explain to me what Megan did to Larry. I must know this. I cannot be left with a cliffhanger like this.

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    Replies
    1. I'm guessing she put him through a wood chipper, but that's just my black heart talking.

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    2. LOL the Suzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Gross!

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    3. Is it strange that I had the same thought as The Suzzzz?

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    4. No. Nicole it means your "normal", like me...

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  12. This is brilliant.

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  13. I don't know if "Jason" is a reference to "Friday the 13th," but the possibility that that was intended is probably my favorite thing ever.

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  14. This reminds me of Studio C Jones' sketches (the funeral one and the Christmas card one). Well done!

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  15. This made my day. Great job!

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  16. Please do more of this kind of writing!

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  17. I am sharing this with all my favorite HR people!

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  18. On the whole TU NO HABLA INGLES... before Christmas break (I work at a college BTW) we had our facilities send out an email telling us to turn off and unplug all of our equipment, which is completely normal if we're gone for more than a week. However, they added an addendum to the bottom of the email stating that we need to label any trash as BASURA. Listen, this is Texas and while I know my fair share of Spanish, I thought that comment was WILDLY inappropriate. Most of the time people know if a giant trash bag is sitting full on the floor it is trash. Actually, let me copy and paste this email so you'll know the ridiculousness of it:

    The Winter Break closing of the campus will be Thursday, December 22 through Wednesday January 4, with the exception of the library.

    • During this time be aware that the building will not have air conditioning and/or heat. Any access to campus facilities will be through the campus police department.
    • We ask that you please turn off, unplug, and disconnect any electrical appliances before you leave campus for winter break.
    • This would also be the perfect opportunity to clean out any refrigerators in your suites.

    • If you have large quantities of trash please place in the hall and label it “Basura” this way the custodial crew will know that it is to be thrown away.

    Thank you,
    Facilities Department

    Needless to say, I HIGHLY doubt HR saw that email before it was sent out... :-/

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