Wednesday, January 18, 2017

This is Brianne

I told Brianne that I was pretty sure I had pneumonia considering that the cough I inherited from winter 8 weeks ago has not only failed to die but has actually gotten stronger in recent days. Brianne informed me that I was being a hypochondriac, but then gave me an office-appropriate physical, which she does at least once a week.

I use the term "office-appropriate" with some tongue-in-cheek when I talk about my sassy-single-mother assistant who isn't afraid to tell me regularly that I'm "behaving like a child" and "stop bothering me, I'm busy" and "can't you take your requests to someone who cares?!"

Sometime in 2016 Brianne decided that we needed to bring some feelings back into our relationship, which had soured due to a little thing called "work" and "professional responsibilities." And so she instigated an "I love you" policy, which meant that we were required to end every single office interaction with a mutual exchange of "I love you."

I complied, because this is less complicated than protest, and we began loudly pronouncing our love for one another six to seven times per day.

Be it known that Brianne and I work in a law firm that employs roughly 400 people. What this means is that during 2016, a small army of folks consisting of a large range of personalities observed our sentimental pronouncements on a daily basis. This was met with mixed reviews.

A few months ago, in an attempt to relinquish just the smallest amount of control in my own 32-year-old-man life, I announced a new office policy: the firm business hand-shake.

I told Brianne that for the foreseeable future we would begin and end each day "with a firm business handshake." 

And so, for the past several months I have approached Brianne's desk sometime around 9:00 AM after which I require her to stand, put one hand out, and engage in a firm business handshake as we wish one another well on a firm business day.

As a form of protest, Brianne almost always attempts to turn the firm business handshake into an uncomfortable hug, and then she demands that I escort her, with linked arms, to the break room, so we can fill our water bottles.

Not a day has gone by since October 7th in which we have not encountered a stodgy attorney during this romantic walk to the watering hole. And not a day has gone by since October 7th during which Brianne has not bragged to a stodgy attorney that surely his assistant isn't "going the extra mile" by "giving their boss this royal treatment" like she does.

And so, sometime just after the business handshake and just before the non-business hug, I complained to Brianne about my supposed pneumonia.

Brianne demanded that I take some drug that is probably not legal and certainly not tested. I ignored her demands, despite my better judgment, until she located me in my office at exactly 3:47 this afternoon and informed me that we were going to take a walk to a nearby pharmacy.

There's a pharmacy/convenience store of sorts connected to the conglomerate of buildings that make up the Salt Lake City downtown business district. And so we arrived there not much after Brianne had collected me. 

Brianne told me on the way that I was about to "find out how popular" she is. I didn't know what she was talking about. But then we walked into the store and literally every human inside of it acted like she was the star of Cheers. 

I'm not kidding you about this. At least 12 people called her by name, asked her specific questions about her life that demonstrated that they knew her to a level that makes me concerned about her safety, and then engaged in various forms of secret handshakes that looked nothing like the firm business handshake with which we had started our day.

Brianne told the pharmacist that I needed some kind of medicine that I had never heard of. He fetched it and told me it would cost me six dollars. Brianne yelled out "thanks, Obama!" to a crowd of her fans who laughed like they were trying to impress her, but not too much, because no one wants to look desperate.

Brianne escorted me back to my office after requiring some promises from me about my dedication to her prescribed treatment. 

And then she left me.

And I didn't see her again for the rest of the day.

The things that woman will do to get out of the end-of-day firm business handshake. 


~It Just Gets Stranger

25 comments:

  1. What is tongue and cheek? I thought it was tongue in cheek?

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  2. 1. Brianne needs a raise.
    2. Brianne gives me hope that one day the men I am an assistant to will love me as much as you love Brianne... it's been 5 years. I'm in construction. I have no chance. But she gives me hope.

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    1. I just got a raise. Girl, you need to demand love and respect from your bosses. #girlpower

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  3. Now I feel the desperate need to tell my boss I am suddenly very ill, so that I can go home, change into sweats, get a big tub of buttery popcorn, a giant soda, and wait for Brianne to respond. Thanks Obama!

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    1. Suzzz I want to join you for some buttery popcorn and sweat wearing day of nothing. Clearly, I am depressed that I have to support a guy by the name of Donald Trump for the next 4 years when I have yet to see a good quality about him. #realworldproblems

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    2. Eli, Brianne isn't feeling well. She and I are both sick and need time off work. K thnx bye.

      You don't HAVE to support him. But we're all going to be bombarded with his image and voice and megalomaniac personality non-stop for 4 years. I think everyone is depressed about that. The struggle is real.

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    3. You are right. I definitely don't support him and have zero respect for him. All I can do is hope in the next four years he doesn't screw all the progress we have made by my favorite POTUS! At least I now know I am not the only one depressed :)

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    4. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I'm going to New Zealand at the end of this year and depending on how things going in 2017 I may be looking for jobs and a place to live when I'm down there. We'll see.

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    5. I always hope for the best! Hope you have a great day.

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  4. Replies
    1. Thanks Jessica. Have a good day :)

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  5. I want to know what this medicine is . . . .I'm sick and think I'm in desperate need of it.

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    1. Nicole K It is called Primatene. They have another one called Broncaide. They both just open up your lungs and help you clear the junk out of them. Try it and I hope you feel better soon!

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  6. Eli: Delete this picture of me out of your life and database! It is not a flattering angle and I hate it. I have plenty of headshots you can use instead!

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    1. Karen: He has no say! But he did give me the greatest Christmas gift of a Nordstrom Gift Card which made this girl so happy!

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  8. I really want to read those mixed reviews. Are they on Yelp or something?

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  9. As an admin to all women this was a joy of a story. We just braid hair (no arm-in-arm strolling) during breaks and I tend to be the daughter-figure instead of the mothering type.

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    1. I have tried to get Eli to braid my hair. But he said he never learned.

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    2. lies. anyone with as many sisters as Eli has, has def learnt to braid hair.

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  10. Brianne sounds like the best ever!!

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    1. Thanks for the sweet compliment....I try to be a good person!

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  11. Love you Brianne and miss your guts! We are so pretty! ;). ~Charlsie

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    1. Awe. I love you and miss you like crazy! We really are so pretty ;)

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