Tuesday, May 23, 2017

HD is the Future

Woman: Comcast, how can I help you?

Eli: Yes. Good day. HD does not work.

Woman: Excuse me?

Eli: I turn on the television and there is no high definition.

Woman: So . . . you are not experiencing HD? Are you certain?

Eli: Quite. For a while I just thought it was because I wasn't wearing my glasses. But then I remembered that my glasses are basically just for show anyway so that didn't really make sense. But then I put them on just to test the theory anyway and NO HD.

Woman: Ok. How long have you noticed the problem?

Eli: Well, it started when I was watching Full Hou--NEVER YOU MIND WHAT I WAS WATCHING--but when I switched it over to Naked and Af--NEVER MIND--I noticed that the 1992 program I was watching looked the same as the 2016 one.

Woman: I see that you have HD channels with your service, and have for the last two years.

Eli: This is an outrage!

Woman: Do you have your HDMI cable properly hooked up?

Eli: That's not a thing.

Woman: Sir, do you know what an HDMI cable is?

Eli: Is that the same as an antenna?

Woman: No . . . there should be a cord that looks like [long boring description] coming out of your cable box and connecting to your TV at [long boring description].

Eli: I just noticed I don't even know where my antenna is.

Woman: That's ok.

Eli: Shouldn't I have an antenna?

Woman: No.

Eli: Then how will I get channels?

Woman: Sir, you haven't needed an antenna in like 20 years.

Eli: Ok, lady. I'm pretty sure I know how to watch TV. I've been doing it since before Punky Brewster's friend nearly suffocated in that refrigerator.

Woman: Let's go back to the HDMI cord. You should see [repeats long boring description].

Eli: Just a second. SKYLAR!!!! SKYLAR!!!! SKYYYYYYYYLAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!

Skylar: WHAT?!

Eli: I NEED HELP. IT'S AN EMERGENCY!

Skylar: Is this an emergency or an Eligency?

Eli: Like, no one's dying or anything. YET.

Skylar: I'm studying for the MCAT right now.

Eli: Oh, this is definitely more important than that.

[Skylar comes down the stairs]

Skylar: Ok. What?

Eli: There's a woman on the phone saying Millennial things to me about TV.

Skylar: Seriously?

Eli: Yes. And apparently we don't use antennas anymore.

Skylar: Give me the damn phone.

[The phone is passed over]

Skylar: Hello? Yes? An HDMI cord? Mmhmm.

Eli: Ask her if she knows anything about a Judging Amy reboot. But don't tell her I'm the one who told you to ask.

Skylar: SHHHHHH! Ok. Yes. He has one. No, he's actually only 32. What's that? No. The HDMI cord is not plugged in. One end is currently under a rug and the other end is covered in duct tape.

Eli: Don't take it off! That's how the government listens to you!

Skylar: For the last time--the government isn't interested in your life!

Eli: I'll have you know I was a party of a very effective spy club in the mid-90s.

Skylar: I'll take it from here. Sorry to bother you.

[Click]

[Skylar plugs one thing in. The TV suddenly becomes clearer than real life.]

Eli: OMG IS THIS THE FUTURE?!?!

Skylar: No. This is like 2007. Welcome to a decade ago.

Also, Duncan Doodle.

~It Just Gets Stranger

17 comments:

  1. I read this whole article the other day about how those of us in Gen X are sitting back with popcorn and watching the Millennials and the Baby Boomers battle it out . . . . because I'm a movie buff and TV addict I have come to this conclusion - like every good show there is a plot twist. The plot twist here is that the Baby Boomers figured out how to plant a spy in the Millennials and they named him Eli . . . .

    Now I have to go get a refill of my popcorn . . .

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    1. Does this show also involve the world's slowest car chase and by car chase I mean jazzy scooter chase?

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    2. Nicole - I love love love your comment. I often feel like GenX is the forgotten Gen or maybe the too busy working and raising our kids to care Gen. We hear ALL about Boomers and their fights with Millennials all over the news all the time.

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    3. I can't keep it straight. If I am 33) and by "if" I mean I actually am) am I a gen x or a millennial?

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    4. Millennial - The dates for this generation are people born early 80s - late 90s/early 2000s.

      Gen X is late 60s through early 80s.

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    5. Thanks Nicole! Now to remember that. I guess my husband is Gen X and I am millennial.

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  2. You need to let Skylar study for his MCAT. He needs to become a successful, RICH doctor in order to support all of us in our old age. TV is for now, being supported forever by a successful friend is...well, forever.

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    Replies
    1. Well, we are in luck. He just got his MCAT results yesterday and he scored in the 98th percentile. He's been speaking to all of us in a British accent for the last 12 hours. I think these things are related.

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    2. Wait - if Skylar goes to Medical School does that mean he won't travel for work anymore and be treated like a king at every Marriot he graces with is presence???

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    3. I don't think he's thought through this at all.

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  3. I remember that Punky Brewster episode, and now I feel old.

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  4. We don't even have a tv, and haven't for... I can't even recall how many years it's been. I can't decide if this makes me edgy and futuristic, or hopelessly stuck in the past, dark ages past.

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  5. But aren't you 33 now? What kind of friend is Skyler if random internet people do a better job remembering your age?

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  6. Now, you can be a good judge for the question that's been bothering me...has Jeff Probst had his dimples deepened?

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    Replies
    1. Or do they just look better because of magi - err - I mean HD?

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  7. That particular Punky Brewster episode was a 2 part show and viewers were encouraged to write in with the "to be continued..." part. I actually submitted an idea, it was something about CPR...clearly I didn't win. I'm a horrible writer, what was I thinking. Don't know why I felt the need to tell you that, but there ya go.

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