Sunday, June 11, 2017

I Saw Wonder Woman

Yesterday Skylar told me that everyone has to see Wonder Woman and then talk about how much they like it because if you don't it means you hate women. So I agreed to go because I don't want people thinking I hate women considering that my mother currently is one.

Ten seconds after acquiescing to the manipulation, Skylar informed me that he had purchased the last two tickets at the neighboring theater for that night.

I want you to know that I spelled "acquiescing" correctly on the very first try. TAKE THAT, GRAMMER NATZI'S'!

Because he purchased tickets for a very popular film so late, the only two seats available were so close to the screen that I actually got radiation poisoning during the viewing.

For background, I vehemently hate all superhero films. There are no exceptions to this. I think they are loud, plotless, gratuitous romps into a nonsensical universe that is concerned with nothing more than displaying impossible bodies who occasionally recite one-liners that are so cheesy that I actually have permanent irritable bowel syndrome just from seeing a preview once.


The point is, it is nearly impossible to get me to sit down and watch one of these things. It's hard enough to get me to go see movies at all because I just don't have the patience for them. Most of the people in my life have learned this the hard way and now refuse to sit with me in a dark movie theater for two hours because they don't like the feeling of wanting to murder someone.

There are two other things you need to know about my Wonder Woman experience before I explain to you exactly what happened: first, the movie started at 10:35 PM. WHEN IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO GO OUTSIDE.

Second, and this is a big one, Wonder Woman is TWELVE HOURS LONG. TWELVE, YOU GUYS!

What this meant was I was going to a superhero movie in the middle of the night and I would not come out of it until the next day.

The movie theater we went to is within walking distance of my house, so we set off on foot around 10:15. I knew I had a very big challenge ahead of me so I focused on the prospect of popcorn to power me through it.

We arrived and Skylar did the thing he does that I absolutely hate where he tells me he's going to run to the bathroom and just see me in there while I stand in line to buy lard at 10:30 at night so I can usher it into the theater alone as the ticket-taker loudly announces which embarrassing film this 33-year-old man has decided to go see by himself.

I have learned from prior experiences that it's best to just have tunnel vision in these situations and try not to even wonder who is a witness to the spectacle.

Then I walked into the theater, or as it is also known, "the jaws of hell."

You guys. I'm not kidding you about how hot it was in there. It was like what a Bikram yoga studio aspires to be. It advanced global warming 20 years. It was so hot that it cured my irritable bowel syndrome.

I know you think I'm exaggerating about this so I just asked Skylar to give me a quote on the topic in order to back me up. He responded, "I felt like I had just eaten a lot of meat. And then explain what meat sweats are. You know, how after you eat such a large quantity of meat you feel feverish and--No, don't type this word-for-word. My quote ended at 'meat.' Just put my quote in and then explain the quote. Stop typing this. YOU ARE SO USELESS!"

So yeah. That's how hot it was.

This theater is one of those "humans are just lard with half a conscience so let's stop pretending to be anything greater than that" places where the seats fully recline and you lie in them eating KFC chicken they fished out of a garbage can at the DMV.

The moment I sat down, I started sweating so much that they actually had to throw out the seat after I left.

I called the theater and asked if they had any video footage of me during the movie. This is what they were able to retrieve from their security cameras.

I can't even begin to explain to you what this was like. Every 30 seconds for the next TWELVE HOURS I turned to Skylar and scream-whispered variations of "I think I'm dying!" and "tell my family I fear them" and "my stomach feels better."

Earlier today I overheard Skylar telling someone about the heat issue. He said these words: "his hair was drenched in sweat. By the end of the movie, he looked like he had personally fought Wonder Woman."

Considering all of the above, I was already looking for an evacuation strategy before they even dimmed the lights.

Then the previews started.

For the next eleventy hundred minutes I watched alternating previews of the 16 upcoming Transformer and Minion movies.

It was sometime during this that I realized that movie start times are a lie perpetrated by the Chinese to turn us into communists.

Thanks, Obama.

I had been warned that Wonder Woman was TWELVE HOURS long, and so I had done some very complicated time math to figure out what time the movie would end considering that it started at 10:35 PM. What I did not take into account was that I would first be forced to watch previews the length of entire movies about other superheroes I don't even have to care about to prove that I support women before the one I paid to see even started.

By the time the movie began, I had gone to another place in my mind.

This is a full, thorough, and accurate recap of the film Wonder Woman (spoiler alert?):

Claire Underwood teaches the most beautiful Olympic athlete who ever doped to beat up other women. A man crashes into her island and she convinces him to take her to World War I where she fights Germans in her bathing suit. Professor Lupin tries to convince her to kill humans, which she was already doing for ten straight hours of movie time. But she decides that humans are capable of love because a man danced with her once. So instead of killing humans, she shoots lightning at Professor Lupin. Then batman sends her a picture 100 years later and she's still hot.

Admittedly, when you add up all of my naps, I was actually asleep for 67% of the movie, so I may have missed some stuff.

On our walk home,

Skylar: I know that was hard for you, but I'm glad you tried.

Eli: Never again.

Skylar: You can't tell people you hated that experience. You have to pretend you liked it.

Eli: I know.

Skylar: Ok. Let's practice what you're going to say. So Eli, what did you think of Wonder Woman?

Eli: I hate all superhero movies. But I went to Wonder Woman because I support women. And I hated it just as much as all the others. Because I treat women equally.

Skylar: You make the world worse.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. I have actually never experienced a hot movie theater before. I tend to always wear (in the summer when I'm usually in shorts and flip flops) shoes with socks, jeans, and a light jacket, because movie theaters in my experience are unreasonably cold. Like Superman Fortress of Solitude cold.

    And you're hilarious.

    I haven't seen the movie, but I also haven't seen any superhero movies in the last ten years. But I'm thinking I might make an exception and watch this one. I used to watch superhero movies when I was single and had free time.

    So . . . are "good guys" hypocrites? Do they kill as many people as the "bad guys"?

  2. You are my Spirit Animal


  3. Very funny post! I hated the movie's CGI. It's too kiddy stuff to watch CGI as bad as this movie's. I can watch other superhero movies more than once. But in the case of Wonder Woman, once is enough.

  4. I laughed six times. Out loud. *slow clap* well done.

  5. Oh my gosh thank you! Professor Lupin!!! I looked up everyone else, but forgot I couldn't figure out who he was! I drove an hour (rural living) to see this movie alone because it was late and nobody would go with me. One friend even said "I'm not going to drive that long, this late to see a movie I don't want to see. 😐"

    Oh well! I loved it!

  6. I read this to my sister and she is currently on my bed crying with laughter and has been in this state for the past TWELVE HOURS

  7. I loved the movie but I agree with the person that said the CGI was terrible. However, given that I think Gal Gadot is AMAZING and this is leap years better than all other DC attempts at movies, I loved it. I also want to support the idea of putting strong female characters on the big screen so I'd pay to see it again. I want to support this not because I have a little girl who needs to see strong female characters but because I have a little boy who does. He loved the movie too, except for the kissing part . . . . I made the mis--- that is, I willingly took three 10 year olds to this movie - two boys (my son and his best friend) and a girl (who my son has a crush on). At the kissing scene:

    Son: Ewwwww!
    Best Friends: Did you just say ewww?
    Me: Yes
    Girl: Yuck!
    Best Friend: You guys are so insensitive - this movie is fabulous!

    1. I'm not a graphics person so I didn't have a problem with the CGI. But I loved this movie because of Gal Gadot. I would watch again & probably purchase it not because of the fight scenes (which I am bored with) bit to support more of these type of films. I'm including movies like The Help and Hidden Figures in this category because these type of women are just as much, if not more than superheros.

    2. OMG Hidden Figures! LOVE Hidden Figures. I bought it - full price to support these kinds of films. I've tried to get my son to watch it because he's a nerd and loves science but there's too much storyline and not enough action for his 10-year-old ADHD mind to sit still for whereas a movie like Wonder Woman held his attention the whole time.

  8. I took my 7 year old to go see Captain Underpants, because we had to kill some time this weekend. Brain cells were lost, and IQ points were dropped. AND, I had to do it with the 7 yr old equivalent of you, Eli, so, I feel like I was half Skylar and half Eli for at least the duration of that (way too long) movie.

    1. Bless your generous heart! You deserve some well deserved me time.

  9. I don't go see movies in theaters, because I can nap at home for free.

    1. I thought this post was supposed to be about women.

    2. It is a post about women. Awesomesauciness displaying the fine sense of a good woman....or good sense of a fine woman. Works either way.

  10. Grammar Nazis. No T, no apostrophe. C'mon, someone HAD to!

    1. What you said. Ruined the whole Grammar Nazi take down.

    2. Uh...people know he did that intentionally, right?

    3. Did he do this intentionally: "Ten seconds after acquiescing to the manipulation, informed me . . ."? (This is saying that Skylar is the one who acquiesced, although according to the narrative Skylar was doing the coercing and Eli was the acquiescor. Acquiescee??) (Those last two words are not real words.)


  11. Did you guys wait to leave until after the credits to see if there was an extra scene?

  12. Consider yourself lucky, my boss took everyone at our company to see the new Mummy on Friday. Super nice gesture but...I was the only women with about a dozen of my male colleagues. It felt like a really really awkward warped platonic version of the bachelorette. Oh and the movie was pretty terrible too.

  13. You are Grumpy cat's spirit animal. In a really good way.

  14. Speaking of Grammar Nazis, how did no one catch these egregious errors? (1) "…who ever doped to beat up other women" not "woman"; and (2) lightning, not lightening, unless she was shooting sunshine or something that lightens things up. But now we'll never know since you weren't paying attention/slept through the movie. Thanks, Eli Obama.

    This has been a public service announcement from the Grammar Is Your Friend Foundation.

    1. I feel like all the grammatical errors are a build up to this blog being sponsored by Grammarly.

    2. [Starts thinking about all the times in his life he's probably used "lightening" incorrectly . . .]