Sunday, June 25, 2017

Puppy For Sale

There's a puppy at my house who has decided that every hour of the night is the best possible time to scratch at any closed door, bark, and demand to be allowed to go outside.

THIS puppy.


I've been doing this thing where I try to reason with him and help him understand what night time is and what it means to have to get up early and go to a job and how I'm not as young as I used to be and how money doesn't grow on trees OMG I AM MY FATHER.

But he doesn't listen.

Last night he especially didn't listen.

It started at midnight. And happened again at 1:00. Then again at 2:00. Then at 3:15.

He jumped off of the bed and scratched at the door. I said many words at him. Some of them weren't nice. But then I decided that it would be easier to let him out to go potty OMG HOW MUCH PISS CAN THIS DOG HAVE than lie in bed not sleeping while he makes a ruckus.

But then. The 3:15 field trip.

This animal no longer wanted to go potty. He now wanted to engage in one of his favorite games. One which I like to call "sprint away from daddy while he screams obscenities in his underwear."

I could not get the beast to come inside.

I had had it.

So I decided that Mr. Duncan Doodle was going to find out what it meant to be an outside dog.

I yelled at him, "fine! You can just live out here now!" And I said it the same way Regina George was like, "you can walk home, bitches."

Not that Duncan is a female dog.

The moment I shut the gate he ran to it and put his little nose between the chain links, looking at me like "I thought we were a family" and normally this works and I'm willing to put myself through an insane amount of discomfort to wipe that look off his little puppy face but last night I was so tired and angry and angry at myself for being angry because OMG ELI THIS IS A 7-MONTH-OLD PUPPY WHO LOVES YOU AND JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YET STOP TRYING TO REASON WITH HIM USING COMPLEX SENTENCES.

So I didn't let him manipulate me. And I walked inside.

I don't know what he did over the next hour-plus, but sometime around 4:30 he began howling so loudly that in my half stupor I legit thought he was turning into a werewolf. A moment later I came to my senses and realized that Mr. Demon Doodle had probably just woken up all of The Perfects (assuming they sleep) so I bolted out of bed, ran outside, screaming obscenities in my underwear all along the way, and retrieved the animal.

I lectured him on the way in about how back in my day all dogs were outside dogs.

When we got inside he was clearly pissed at me.

He climbed back onto the bed and lay there, growling with every. single. exhalation for the next twenty minutes. I occasionally sat up, grabbed him, and muttered an exhausted and intense Nancy Kerrigan level "WHHHHYYYYYY" into his face.

Eventually we both fell asleep. The alarm went off 12 minutes later.

I got up to go for a run because I'm doing that lately because I swear to you there is only one pair of pants in my entire home that I can currently wear with the top button done up and I've been wearing t-shirts to work for five straight months because I don't like how you can see my body between every button when I wear dress shirts now.

When I got back from my run, Duncan was sitting on the couch. Normally he flies into action when I enter the house, greeting me like I'm the Beatles and he's an angsty teen from 1963. But not this morning. He sat, staring at me. I stared right back at him. We both looked angry.

The staring went on for a fully eternity.

Then, finally, the silence was broken.

He was the first to speak.

"BARK."

So, yeah. I have a puppy for sale.

And now, please enjoy this week's Strangerville Short, an old story from It Just Gets Stranger:


~It Just Gets Stranger

28 comments:

  1. I wish every post on Stranger was just 200 pictures of Duncan. I love him so much.

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  2. Sounds like it's crate training time.

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    1. I second the seriously.

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  3. If I thought you were the least bit serious, I'd offer eleventy million dollars and a custom wig for Tami.

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    1. You can have Tami in exchange for a custom wig.

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  4. Am I imagining things or is something red dripping from his tongue? Maybe he didn't turn into a werewolf, but a vampire??

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  5. Crate time for sure! I promise he will be happier too! They really like to feel like they have a den. They sleep much better that way. We have a six month old puppy and he goes in his crate around 10 every night and we let him out at about 7 in the morning. We keep the crate right next to our bed. He sleeps great in there all night!

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    1. BUT, what about snuggles? Did you even think about snuggles?

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    2. We just do lots of daytime cuddling! And I still have two kids that manage to crawl into the bed almost every night so I don't think he would even enjoy being in bed with us! I usually end up on the very edge of the mattress with about three inches of space. If you do end up going with the crate, make sure you ease into it slowly. The rescue foundation we adopted our pup from gave us some great information on how to crate train gradually and not overwhelm your puppy at all.

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  6. Just wait until your dog has diarrhea in her crate for 3 nights that smells so bad you get sympathy diarrhea and you're both completely miserable and hate the damn crate

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  7. "Eventually we both fell asleep. The alarm went off 12 minutes later."

    This is around the part when I cried in sympathy for you. We have the same "waking on the hour" problem over here. Except in the form of children. It's even more frustrating because people get fussy and call 911 when you're chasing your kids in your underwear and screaming obscenities. Then if you start chasing THEM then they really get hot and bothered.

    Is this comment strange? I'm sorry if it is. I haven't slept the night through since Christmas!

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  8. My baby boy is 6 mo old and I had recently thought that perhaps he was old enough to sleep in a big boy bed (aka. raised dog bed) and say good bye to his crib (aka. crate). I attempted for 1 night to get him used to sleeping outside of the crate by sleeping on the bed with me....THAT WAS A MISTAKE!! Dude is the biggest bed hog. He kept kicking me and pushing on me. I got no sleep. Then when I tried his big boy bed I learned that while my alarm doesn't go off until 7am, he likes to wake up at 6am...so there I was with a (super cute) dog face in my face at 6am. Ugh! Plus I had to keep putting him to bed 5 million times in the night. I felt like a parent on an episode of SuperNanny. So through all of this I learned that he is just not ready to be out of his crib, and so back to using the crate we go. I'll try his big boy bed again in the Fall when perhaps he is a bit more mature. But anyway, crates are blessings from Jesus and I have learned that I would get no sleep if not for this blessing.

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  9. I'm loving your continuous Mean Girls references. Keep it up!!! "You go Glen Coco!"

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  10. Yup, mister, it's time for tough love - a/k/a crate training. Think of it this way...it's his doggie-den. Just like you have your man cave or guy cubby or whatever you have that is your place alone, where you can sit in your underwear, scratch where it itches, eat chips and in general act like...well, like the caveman you came from. You are actually denying the Doods his right to be a dog by not giving him a crate. You brute!

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  11. I disagree with the crate training - I'm with you about snuggle time. I have a year old pug and we went through this same thing. He grew out of it and now sleeps through the night. In fact when the alarm goes off I swear he rolls his eyes and goes back to sleep. It's just surviving this difficult period with Duncan. Keep the faith - he'll get there!

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  12. Molly the Wonder Dog was an adult rescue when I brought her home about 10 years ago. She would wake up 3 or 4 times a night begging to play or go outside. We crate trained her and after about 2 months we could leave her crate door open and she would sleep through the night and not wake us up. Look into it. I haven't shut her in her crate at night at all for the last 9 years and unless something is REALLY stressing her out she never wakes me up in the middle of the night.

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  13. We crate trained our oldest, and she was *ok* with it, but then we wanted to sleep with her in bed, so we just gave up on it after a few weeks, and all was well. She eventually grew out of the need to pee every hour thing, and snuggles were all awesome.

    Then our second came to live with us (he's the one that Duncan Doodle reminds me of), and he basically LAUGHED at our crate training attempts, and he was in bed with us after just a few days. He, too, grew out of the need to pee all the damned time, and all was well.

    As we got older, we got more and more tired of getting up from our important TV-watching spots in order to open the door to let them out whenever they damn well pleased. So! We installed a doggy door. Seriously, one of the BEST investments in time and energy that we have ever spent.

    For now, try taking away his water at least one hour before bedtime. That might help out a bit. But before you know it, he will be a grown-ass dog at 18 months of age, and his ability to hold it will amaze and astound you. Our middle dog (Jake) has been known to rival that epic piss that the Tom Hanks character performed in A League of Their Own from time to time. They have the capacity to hold it eventually, but possibly not quite yet. Try the water thing, and see if that helps. Don't sell him just yet! :P

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    1. The funny thing is that I know he doesn't *have* to pee every hour of the night because I leave him out in the house while I'm at work (I don't even cage him anymore) and he *never* has an accident. Sometimes I'm at the office for 7 or 8 hours and he's just been home playing all day with full access to food and water and even then I'll take him out and he wanders around the yard for 20 minutes before he finally decides to pee. So WHY does he think he needs to go out all night?

      I wish more than anything in the world that I could put a doggy door in. Unfortunately my "back" door opens up to the driveway, which is not gated. So when I take him out I have to lead him to the yard and open the gate for him. I honestly think a doggy door would be the answer to all of our problems.

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    2. I've seen doggy doors installed in walls. It may be worth looking into...

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    3. Have you tried leaving him on the lead so that he can't run off and sniff or play? He can pee and go straight back inside. Maybe making the trip outside as boring as possible will discourage him. Or (and I know this is hard), ignore his scratching.

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    4. Eli Whittlebottom McCann!!!! How on EARTH did you let my GSD, Josey, know about this trickster Duncan's shenanigans?? Because either you told her or she reads..and really I'm thinking it might be the latter...because last night she pulled this sh*t on me. ME! The Lord Almighty Ruler of Her World and Treats! We went out once, she peed, came in and as soon as I got all snuggled down and warm in bed she BARKED at me! Now, given that she never barks without cause I got up and she ran to the door. I took her out, on leash because we live in the literal jungle here and wild armadillos might get her, and walked her around a few minutes. She sniffed the ground, the air, me, the trees, and the porch and produced NOTHING. It was odd behavior for her, but I shrugged and took her back inside. The MINUTE my head hit the pillow again she BARKED again. I sat up in bed, looking at her adorable, smiling face and wagging tail and got pissed. "OH HELL NO" I murmured as I got out of bed, looked her straight in the eye and ordered her to lie down and STAY. She did as she was told and slept soundly the rest of the night. I swear all I could think was how the hell had YOU gotten to her? Or was it Duncan? If so, HOWWWWWWWWWWWWW???? We'll see what tonight brings, but if she starts again I'm calling you, putting her on the phone, and making you listen to her barks..and she's a GSD so she is LOUD.

      *wanders off grumbling about dogs and whippersnappers and setch*

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    5. I think you subliminally (I don't even what to tell you how I thought that word was spelled until just now) put it into her head after reading the nonsense written here. Unfortunately for you I forced everyone who reads Stranger to sign a very broad liability waiver several years ago so I can't be held responsible in any way.

      Also, I technically own your houses.

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  14. Bunk beds! My son sleeps on the top bunk and the dog sleeps on the bottom bunk. The bottom bunk is cozy, soft, and warm--like a cave. Sometimes, my son falls asleep on the bottom bunk with the dog. Anyway, the bottom bunk is his special spot and sleeps almost 12 hours each night, no trouble. I could just imagine you with a bunk bed... 😜

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  15. I saw your explanation about why you can't put in a doggie door. I feel for you because that probably really would solve everything.

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