Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Breaking & Entering

Look. I know. I should have been paying more attention. That's what a responsible person does. He pays attention to the dogs in his care. Because dogs can be unpredictable.

When I told Brianne about this I started the story with "you know how important it is to keep an eye on your child because you're also a parent" and then she wouldn't let me finish because she was screaming over the top of me "STOP COMPARING RAISING MY SON BY MYSELF TO HAVING A DOG."

Brianne doesn't understand that moms are supposed to stick together and not attack one another.

The point is, I knew better than to look away from Mr. Pants and Mr. Doodle when I had them off leash on a college campus yesterday.

Mr. Pants is staying with us this week which means that for the last three days this has been constantly happening:


Mr. Doodle loves Mr. Pants like a fat kid loves cake. Mr. Pants does not feel the same way about Mr. Doodle.

Mr. Doodle and I go for a walk every morning before I leave for work. I take him to the college campus next to my house because there's an open grassy area between all of the dorms where I let him off leash and throw the ball for him eleventy million times until my arm is about to fall off and then we go home and he sprints all over the house and never runs out of energy no matter what I do and Mr. Pants in the above video is just saying what we're all thinking sometimes.

It seemed cruel to leave Mr. Pants home while we went for the morning walk, even though Mr. Pants now has the soul of an angry 80-year-old man and he doesn't seem particularly interested in walks. So I've been taking him with us to the college campus. Mr. Pants usually wanders the area sniffing things and thinking about enrolling in the upcoming semester while Mr. Doodle and I do the eleventy million ball throw thing.

This has been going just fine.

Until yesterday.

Skylar happened to Facetime me and he was in the middle of screaming about the Equifax breach, which he is weirdly upset about right now. I don't mean that it's weird to be upset about the Equifax breach, it's just that it's weird that Skylar is so upset about it and he is upset about it in weird ways.

Until this week, I didn't even know Skylar knew what credit was. And I've never known him to be particularly concerned about protecting his personal information. But if you even casually mention the word "identity" to him right now, he will scream-lecture at you about how we're all going to die so convincingly that you'll want to amputate your fingers by the time he's done just so that you don't have fingerprints anymore.

As Skylar was somewhere in the middle of a sentence that started with "they have your social security number" and ended with "and I hope you have a bomb shelter and enough tinfoil hats" I faintly heard the sounds of the front door of one of the dorms open.

I noticed that a little white dog was sprinting. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. But I didn't pay attention to it right away. Because I was in the middle of telling Skylar that he is now my grandpa who still refuses to get internet because "the government will fill my home with pornography."

But I did look up just in time to see something that I had no way of stopping.

As the door was shutting, Mr. Pants ran directly into the building. Mr. Doodle was trailing him by two feet, slipping in at the last possible second, like that scene from Indiana Jones where he slides under the closing wall just in the nick of time.

The door closed.

The door clicked.

It was locked.

From Skylar's Facetime perspective, the next 20 seconds looked like a scene from the Blair Witch Project.

He saw frantic jumbled images as I ran across the field and all he could hear was "SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT [shaking the door frantically] SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT."

Skylar: What is going on?

Eli: The dogs just ran inside!

Skylar: The dogs just ran inside what?

Eli: The dorms!

Skylar: So go get them?

Eli: The door is locked! You have to have an access card to get in!

Skylar: Well didn't someone just barely open the door? Go ask them to let you in!

Eli: I don't see anyone! I don't know who it was or where they went! I was busy making a very funny joke about how you're my grandpa!

Skylar: Awe! I just thought about how cute it would be if Duncan and Ollie went to college!

Eli: THAT IS CUTE BUT NOW IS NOT THE TIME!

The upper half of the door had a window so I could see into the dorms. Mr. Pants was standing inside, staring at me through the glass, looking legitimately freaked out. Like he knew he had just done something wrong.

Duncan was sprinting up and down the hallway in the building, his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth, looking happier than I've ever seen him, like he had a new home now and didn't need me anymore.

I was helpless. I just stood at the door, totally unsure of what to do. There was NO ONE anywhere to be seen.

Every time Duncan would get out of the line of vision of me and Ollie, Ollie would start barking wildly until he sprinted back to us.

At least I wasn't dealing with this alone.

If only Ollie was tall enough to open doors.

This continued for about five minutes. Five ETERNAL minutes.

Do you know how long five minutes is? Start a timer and imagine that you are standing at the door of a college dorm building that you were recently told is not supposed to be called "dorm" staring in at your baby and someone else's baby with whom you have been entrusted, let the timer go for five minutes, and tell me that it does not feel like the length of Titanic.

THE MOVIE.

Finally. FINALLY. Some college fresh--err--first year student appeared inside.

She looked at Duncan, who was now running circles around her with a look on his face like he was asking her to be his new mother. She looked at Mr. Pants who was facing her, looking sullen. And then she looked at me, a creepy man with his face pressed up against the glass, peeking into the female dorm building on a Tuesday morning at 8:14.

As I now picture how this must have looked to her, I realize how hilarious this had to be.

She came to the door and opened it. Mr. Pants sprinted back outside when she did. Duncan noticed and did the same a second or two later.

"How did that even happen?" She asked me.

"Did you hear about the Equifax leak?" I responded.




~It Just Gets Stranger

39 comments:

  1. I am literally crying from laughing!

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  2. I love this! And also, that's the bad word of choice this week! I said it like that under my breath while driving in a foreign land (Texas) this weekend! Those turnarounds though... And now I say y'all and I don't even say ya'll... See what I did there! I clearly don't spell it!

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    1. You were in my homeland! I LOVE the turnarounds and feeder roads along the interstate. I hope you were able to have some good Tex-Mex and HEB's homemade tortillas! They are must have's whenever I visit the homeland.

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  3. This Equifax leak is having some very serious repercussions. Next time you're facetiming Skylar, please run with the phone facing the action. Or better yet, record for posterity.

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    1. Did Anonymous just ask you to record your posterior?

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  4. That would have been super stressful. I once Lost control of a roommate's dog. What ensued was me running as fast as I could down the main street of idyllic Bar Harbor, Maine, yelling at tourists to stop that dog. Spoiler alert: no one did—the dog was too fast, and they just all stopped and stared as I sprinted past in flip flops. I finally did get the dog back. He had run to my roommate's place of work and made it inside somehow.

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  5. I also lost my son sat the beach once. He ended up being fine, but that as scared as I was about the dog getting hit by a car with every crossing street, the fear and panic I felt about my five year old son was infinitely worse. Those five minutes literally felt like forever. (We were walking back to the car after a fun day at the beach—a large group of relatives—when I realized he wasn't with us any longer. We sent people to search the parking lot if he'd run ahead, and others to each ends of the boardwalk. (In this case, many strangers did help.) Turns out, he had gotten distracted, had forgotten we were leaving, and had gone back to play in the sand, oblivious to the fact that he was now alone. Five minutes can be very long indeed. Beaches are so amazing and terrifying at the same time.

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    1. This gave me legit anxiety! I am so glad it had a good ending. I cannot imagine how terrifying that must've been. I mean, I can imagine it, you know, because I'm also a parent.

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  6. This definitely made me literally laugh out loud. At the gym. (I'm walking on the treadmill. But don't judge. I ran a half marathon this week and I'm taking it easy). Also, be careful of airbnb guest this weekend. There is ANOTHER essentials oils retreat happening in Salt Lake. I know someone who has somehow managed to guilt enough people into buying oils from her (NOT me) that she is winning dorme award or something out there!

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    1. I have guests coming on Saturday! But they said they are just traveling through to get to Yellowstone. So fingers are crossed. They are probably going to think I'm into essential oils considering that my house currently smells like prostate rose oil.

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  7. I work on a small campus in Michigan. My students would be SO elated to have these two running around their dor - - - er - - - residence halls!!!!!

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    1. We have a small campus in town that partners with the local shelters to have students foster animals. It's pretty awesome.

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  8. Also, you must extend your creative talents to create an Airbud Collegiate starring Duncan and supported with the all star supporting cast of Mr Scraps, Renley, and Mr Pants.

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    1. Oh, oh, oh and Sir Toby Tucker with the FAB eyebrows!

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    2. Oh yes! How could I forget Sir Toby?!?! "I am ashamed," said in a french accent. (It's hard to quote movies online, but any takers on where this is from?)

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    3. Slap Shot, Sarah? I think the goalie says it...or some variation...when he talks about beating the SHIT out of other players with the hockey stick.

      NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT A HOCKEY STICK IS, CATHIE!

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  9. Some years ago, I went on holiday to the good old US of A (I live in Belize). I was looking for uniforms for my son in Mervyn's(now you know this is a while ago) and my daughter was probably 2.whil I was busy trying to find his size she proceeded get out of her stroller and go missing. I have absolutely no idea how long it took to find her. But, I do know that Mervyn's and the adjoining mall was locked down! I am sorry to all the people who were in the mall that day. THEY COULDN'T LEAVE!! she was hiding in 1 of the clothes racks, very near to me the whole time. Laughing and chuckling her little curly head off. I have never wanted to hug and beat someone at the same time as when we found her. There was a lot of ugly crying that day and sad to say none of it came from her. I lost her again a few days later in Chuck E Cheese...but that's a story for another day. Excuse me...i need to go cry again.

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  10. This needs to be a scene in your movie .... I just had flashbacks from when my son was a toddler and locked me outside when I went out to move the sprinkler. Welcome to the parent club :)

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  11. We lived in San Paulo, Brazil when I was growing up and one night I was babysitting for a family with young children. As I was doing the dishes after feeding them dinner, one of the children came to let me know that the youngest (probably three or so) had gone out on the balcony of the apartment and wouldn't come back in. I think this family lived on the 17th floor. The small child had not only gone on the balcony, but had locked the sliding door, and was holding the only key. Yeahhhhhhhh. I ended up having to hang halfway out the bathroom window to reach him so he could give me the key. Not a high point of my babysitting career. I do think they had me come back though...

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    1. A thousand times thank you for this contribution.

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    2. Amy, I sympathize. I hated babysitting but occasionally I was guilted into doing it for people in our ward. There was one family that I absolutely dreaded. They had 6 kids and the oldest son was 10 and a complete monster when his parents were around, but an absolute angel when mom & dad were there. The last time I babysat for them the monster was suspiciously quiet and pleasant. I chalked it up to the fact that the family had a new litter of kittens and he was doting on them. He disappeared for a time while I was watching a movie with the younger kids, but I didn't hear the sounds of him opening the gates to hell so I figured everything was ok. I figured wrong. He rushed into the tv room and melodramatically announced that one of the kittens was trapped under his parents bed and he couldn't get it to come out. I rolled my eyes but went because I did not want to be held responsible for a kitten peeing on the carpet in this couple's immaculate master bedroom. Sure enough there was a tiny kitten smack dab under the middle of the king sized bed. I crawled under and snagged the little guy. As I started to back out I heard a clink and then felt some cold close around my ankle. I kicked out only to discover that the monster had handcuffed my angle to the bed frame. With a pair of handcuffs that had no key. The kid started dancing and then mooned me before shuffling out of the room in search of more mayhem. I managed to pull the phone off of the bedside table by the cord and call my mom to explain what happened and ask what I should do. She called my cousin's husband who was a police officer, then she came up and sat with the younger kids. My cousin's husband showed up at the house shortly after my mother and put the fear of jail in the kid, uncuffed me and then stuck around to talk to the parents about their son's behavior. I got a huge tip that night and they never asked me to sit for them again, for which I was eternally grateful.

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    3. The SUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!! That is like something out of a movie!!! I can't believe that actually happened to someone in real life!

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    4. My life is a cross between a country song and a Wes Anderson movie. The only redeeming factor that comes out of many of my awkward, embarassing, sad, or unfortunate experiences is the ability to entertain people at parties with ridiculous stories.

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  12. At least you knew where they were! A few years ago I was fostering a dog and I took my dog and foster dog to a nature preserve near my house. It is pretty wooded and I always let my dog off leash; she runs around but stays within about 50 feet of me. Foster dog was obsessed with my dog so I assumed he would follow her. Nope! The second I let him off the leash he took off through the bushes and disappeared. I called and called and he didn't come back! I left the preserve with my dog and we started running around the neighborhood streets calling him. Finally I spotted him, in somebody's backyard, standing on top of their patio table. I have no idea how he got in their yard but I couldn't figure out how to get him out. Finally I had to knock on the people's door and ask if I could please get my dog from their backyard. It was an awful day but all's well that ends well, right?

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    1. I want you to know I was on a very sad work-related phone call when the image of a dog standing on a patio table popped back into my mind and I had to stifle a very unexpected laugh.

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  13. Oh my God.. i am sitting here laughing so hard. I have a dog and I can absolutely picture this whole scene! Thank you for what was a very needed laugh! So glad all survived the dorm adventure!

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  14. There should be a podcast, something about why does anyone let anyone be responsible for children and dogs? Clearly, we have all had "that moment"

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  15. Remember we're not supposed to use the D word anymore, apparently they are Residence Halls. I'm very proud of you that SHIT is the only curse word you used, I would have been considerably saltier if my dog had done that...NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT SHIT IS CATHY. Just kidding I think I know how to say that word in 6 languages, it comes in handy.

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    1. Ever since my baby was a baby, it has been "Sugar Honey Iced Tea" (from the scene in Madagascar). Or as I say it now, SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR!

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    2. My mother used to think she didn't curse, but all the kids knew shit was her go-to curse word when something went wrong, but always under her breath and always when she thought no one was around. Flash forward many years. I was in high school, my dad was in the hospital in SLC and my oldest brother and I had ridden down to Salt Lake from Logan with our oldest sister and her family. We had a nice visit and were leaving the hospital to take my mother to lunch, we walked into the car park which had a ramp and it was extremely echo-y. My sister's young son broke free from the pack and sprinted up the ramp. At the top he turned around, put his hands on his hips, threw his headback and yelled SHIT! as loud as he could and then just stood there grinning. We stopped dead in our tracks, my brother and I were trying not to laugh. My VERY conservative mormon sister and her VERY conservative mormon husband were staring at him open mouthed. The first thing out of my sister's mouth was "Who taught you THAT word?" My brother and I immediately gestured towards each other and tried to look as innocent as possible, but it wasn't necessary. Without missing a beat my nephew proudly proclaimed "It's grandma's favorite word!". My sister turned her accusatory stare on our mother. At first mom looked indignant but then she tipped her head to the side and thought for a moment and then nodded and said "He's probably right" and kept walking to the car. We still laugh about. After that my mother reverted to the Germany word scheisse. Last year when we were in the ICU waiting room while waiting for a scan to be done on our dying father she said SHIT under breath again and we all caught it and started talking about that story. It turned to all of us telling stories about the first time we heard our dad swear (it's notable because it was a very rare occurrence). We were talking and laughing so much that a nurse came and threatened to kick us out. It just reminded me of the quote from Steel Magnolias "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion".

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    3. Suzzz, I'm crying... what a strange and beautiful memory

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  16. I think you need to get Allie from Hyperbole and Half to draw some of your stories! Look at her drawings and that's how I pictured you peering in the window looking at the dogs.

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  17. When I was a little girl, my Mom and I went to visit my Dad at his office in a highrise in downtown SL. I remember running ahead of my mom to the elevators. She probably thought I would push the button to call the elevator, but I got there just as someone got off. I ran right in and pushed a button for a random floor. I'll never forget the look of horror on her face as the doors slowly closed, but still shutting just before she could stop them. I have no idea how long I was lost, but I remember the security guard giving me a good lecture.

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  18. This is one of my nightmares as a parent.

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  19. Shit is my favorite word...it's so....useful. However, when I was young one of my friends' mother was loathe to cuss in front of us so she made up phrases to approximate them.

    Her favorite one was "Got dandruff and some of it itches"....read it out loud, quickly, and it'll come to you.

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  20. Shit is my go-to word in moments of anger, pain or surprise. It is especially effective since I am more southern than Matt, so it takes about thirty seconds to be fully uttered.

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