Wednesday, January 24, 2018

A New Dentist

I had a cavity filled this morning because I guess I'm not very good at brushing my teeth and they set the appointment for 7:00 AM when it should be illegal to have appointments.

Every time I see the dentist at the end they try to set my next appointment and they're all "what are you doing twelve-hundred days from now and I'm always like "lady, I don't even know how to brush my teeth well so do you think I have my life that planned out?"

And then she always picks some weekday off in the distance and then asks if I want to do an early appointment on that day so it doesn't interfere with work and I always say yes because this seems like the responsible and lawyerly thing to do and the appointment is so far off in the distance that I just decide that it will probably be totally fine to have to get up before it should be illegal to be awake to go to the dentist's office, which might easily be the most boring place on planet earth by the way.

Then the night before the appointment I look at my calendar for the next day and see that I have to be all the way across town by 7:00 and I know some of you are like "I wake up at 4:00 every day and eat an entire field of spinach while doing yoga as I drive my 16 kids to early-morning violin lessons" and that's awesome for you but I don't do those things and being in the most boring place on Earth on the other end of town at 7:00 is hard for me and I don't care who knows it.


So this morning I rolled into the dentist's office at 7:04 because I was late because I hit snooze on my alarm clock 7 times because I'm a suck face who doesn't deserve happiness and this little blonde woman who seemed very unhappy, probably because she works in the most boring place on Earth, directed me to some chair and then shoved something into my mouth that numbed my gums so that a dentist who seemed very unhappy, probably because he has the most boring job on Earth, could stick a needle in my gums a dozen times until I still can't feel anything.

Then he pulled out a table saw or something and put it inside my mouth and unhappy dentist and unhappy blonde woman had the most boring conversation of all time about which month has the most songs written about it "besides December," because they concluded that December is obviously the winner, and unhappy blonde woman guessed February and that seemed crazy to me because who has ever written a song about February and then the dentist guessed August and that seemed equally crazy to me because who has ever written a song about August and I don't know what the answer is but I do know I'm very angry that a good portion of my day has already been taken up thinking about this.

And then, finally, after the earth circled the whatever however many times, the dentist pulled several crowbars and at least one hammer out of my mouth and for the first time since I walked into the place someone finally directed spoken words at me when he said "congratulations," which seemed like such a not thing a dentist would say to a patient after filling his cavity so I just assumed that he was talking to the unhappy blonde woman and I was tired and that can be the only explanation for why I then turned to her and blurted out "oh! Are you getting married?!" because I guess I thought he was congratulating her out of the blue and I just assumed that that might be the reason and I'm just super proud of myself for saying "getting married" instead of "pregnant."

And when I said "Oh! Are you getting married?!" both the unhappy dentist and the unhappy blonde woman stared at me like I still had the entire power tool section at Home Depot in my mouth and the woman said something about already being married and I suddenly realized that the dentist was saying congratulations to me for successfully surviving a filling and that this woman probably thought I was hitting on her when I asked if she was getting married WHICH I WASN'T and so I tried to explain that using sentences that made even less sense than the one that started the whole mess and then I got up and fumbled with my bags, of which there were several because I'm a homeless person now and I carry my life with me everywhere I go, and on my way out the front desk lady said "bye. I hope your filling went well" and I said back to her "and yours the same" which made sense on no level but I was in such a hurry to be anywhere except for there so I just kept going and now I need a new dentist.

~It Just Gets Stranger

32 comments:

  1. I relate to the last paragraph. On my birthday every time someone says "Happy Birthday!" I can only think to say "Thanks, you too!". HashtagFail.

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  2. I'm thinking April.

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    1. The only song I can think of at all right now is Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day so September gets my vote by default.

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  3. At least you had all your clothes on this time.... you did right??

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  4. Angela Marrie LuceyJanuary 24, 2018 at 8:05 AM

    I can't with those run-on sentences! And there was no nudity to make me keep reading!

    P.S.- I get up at 4:45am to take my two kids to school and then go to work where I teach 125 6th graders English. And on my planning period today, I gleefully discovered a new Stranger post. Only to be subjected to those run-on sentences. Eli Whatisgrammerforanyway McCann you owe me a better post!

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    1. This Stranger for one loves Eli's occasional run-on sentence posts.

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    2. I love the run-un sentences because I feel his exasperation in them, but at the same time, I feel like I'm suffocating and can't breath because where are the commas???

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    3. *grammar And you're an English teacher?

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    4. I love the run-on sentences too! You can totally hear the frustration and exhaustion. It also reminds me of stream of consciousness, which is very literary. So Eli is a literary genius now. Deal with it.

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    5. I actually went back and reread it to focus on the sentence structure, and I agree that in this format, with his established style and the style of blogging in general being a relaxed, conversational one, that it works. You be you, Eli.

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    6. I'm not the only one that noticed?! But am I the only one that counted how many sentences there are? 8. Coincidentally, there are only 8 paragraphs in this post. So there.

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  5. Every time I'm at the movie theater, the ticket taker says "Enjoy your movie!" and I respond "Thanks, you too!"

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    1. Yep. Also in the airport when the gate agent or baggage handler says, "Have a nice flight!", I say "Thanks, you too! Uh, I mean . . . ." And then I run away from the awkward situation.

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  6. I love this story so much. The dentist is not my favorite place. It's so awkward, especially when they try to talk to you while they have their hands in your mouth. Last night I got a permanent crown on one of my teeth. The dentist said I was his favorite patient and mentioned that it was because I was his last patient of the day. He also told me he wasn't feeling well. The whole appointment seemed a bit rushed, like they couldn't wait to get out of there. And I mentioned that the crown didn't feel right, and they were more concerned about whether I liked the color of it. The dentist said I'd get used to how it felt but that it shouldn't affect my bite. I don't feel like they even really had me bite down to see if it felt right, so then when they were done, the dentist rushed out of there, and the assistant/hygienist/person said she needed to take an x-ray. As we walked to the x-ray room, I told her my bite did feel weird, and she said to call them in a few days if it still felt weird. Basically, it was a weird visit, and now I feel like I'm stuck with an alien tooth in my mouth. But whatever.

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  7. Wow. If this isn't the most accurate description of what all dentist appointments are like, I don't what is.

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  8. I schedule all my boring adult appts for the afternoon specifically to leave work early and not return until the next day. I would rather go to work early and get out early than work late and consequently hate my life.

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  9. The job of any dental hygienist is to make us feel as uncomfortable as possible. I accidentally spit like a fountain on mine because she didn't sucker the water out and when I said "I bet that happens all the time" she just scowled at me and said "No." I've so far been too lazy to find a new dentist, so I continue to endure and hate myself after.

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    1. My mother in law is a dental hygienist and she told me her dentist scolded her for not talking to her patients more. MORE. Have dentists never been to the dentist?!

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  10. This was the wrong post to read right before I go to my first filling in 2 hours. I've never had a cavity and I am FREAKING out about your description. *insert scared emoji face*

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  11. Maybe it’s July. “Saturday, in the park, I think it was the Fourth of July!” Actually I can’t think of another July song now.
    I think I can think of exactly one song for most months and now this is going to drive me crazy....so I’m leaving you with a list. With our powers combined, we might be able to solve this mystery and prove the dentist and his assistant wrong!

    April (come she will) - technically about many months. April, May, June, July, August, September.
    Wake Me Up When September Ends
    Dancing In September
    Maggie May (“its late September and I really should be back at school”)

    Side note: September is winning!

    November Rain

    Do you think “I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be Friends” counts? “Back to school?” Because I’d call that another for September!!!
    And isn’t there a Taylor Swift Song about September????

    Ok I’m done but my guess is definitely September and I can’t think of a SINGLE February or August Song specifically (but points to the dentist because at least Simon&Garfunkel say August in one song that’s really about April).

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    1. There's a song from South Pacific that mentions July I think. I know I've heard it referenced in a few others but I can't remember the names. But I do think September is the one I hear the most. There's a Green Day song "Wake me up when September comes".

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    2. See you in September, I'll see you when the summer's through ...

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    3. Oh! The Suzzzz! I don’t know the South Pacific Song but you reminded me there is DEFINITELY a song in Carousel called “June is bustin’ out all over!” and it is specifically about the month of June. Haha.

      And I remembered the T Swift Song is called “Back to September”!

      September totally wins.

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    4. Taylor Swift has a “Back to December” song, too. I haven’t been to my dentist in a while because all my courage ran out a while ago. I need to get back in there.

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    5. A ska band called Angry Banana has a song called December too!

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    6. Plus there's "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire.

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    7. There's also a song from the musical, "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" that mentions all the months, but focuses on getting married in June.

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    8. I love that most of the comments are now all the Strangers trying to figure out which month is mentioned most in music. Well done, Eli! ^_~

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  12. If you are serious about finding a new dentist, I know a very happy one in SLC. Dr. Jim Williamson. He will probably tell you some ridiculous dad joke while his hands are in your mouth. Which I find extremely funny both the jokes (because they are so bad) and that he does it while his hands are in your mouth. But he will probably still want you to come at an illegal time like 7am because he frequently lectures me about how much you can get done if you get up early. Last time I went to the dentist my appointment was at 8 and I was of course late and got there at 8:17, they called me at 8:09 to see if I was still coming.

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    1. I LOVE JIM! He's not my dentist, but I can definitely recommend him as a human!

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  13. You can blame it on the novocaine or whatever the hell the dentists use to numb your mouth, and in your case brain, these days.

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  14. Again, back log reading, mostly cause I've given up on actually getting work done today. I love my dentist and I'm pretty sure he's within walking distance of your house. Sperry dental or 3gdentistry. I knew we'd get along when during my first visit he shared his pure hatred for health insurance companies.

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