Sunday, February 11, 2018

LOOSE WAIT WITHOUT EXERSIZE

For about the last six months I have been telling people that "I'm like totally doing the St. George half Ironman next May." I thought that if I said it to enough humans with memories and judgment skills, I would shame myself into actually making it happen.

Since I got chubbier in 2017 and none of my pants were fitting anymore and I literally popped the button off of nearly every single pair, I knew it would probably be good for me to actually set some kind of goal and work toward something.

I'm not kidding you about the pants. It got so bad that I could no longer fit into a single suit I owned. But I wasn't about to go out and spend eleventy hundred million dollars on a new suit because that felt like giving up and although my metabolism is officially not 21 anymore, I kept convincing myself that I was "like totally doing the St George half Ironman next May" and therefore I would get skinny again.

So, without a suit that could fit my expanding bod, I took to wearing blazers and slacks that I could squeeze myself into whenever I had to go to court.


A couple of months ago I attended a hearing in the federal courthouse with a partner at my firm dressed in such a state.

We had to go through security to get into the building, which meant that I had to remove my belt, which was a problem because--and I know you didn't believe me when I told you this before--I litterally popped the button off of nearly every single pair of pants I own in 2017, including this particular pair.

My trick is to just wear belts and then no one knows that the button is gone.

And so, I waddled through security, holding my pants together so the zipper, which was no longer being stabilized by the button, would not be forced down by my gluttony in front of half a dozen security officers and my boss.

At the hearing the judge set a date for trial in our case and as we left the partner said "you know, you may want to buy a suit or two before we try this thing" to which I blurted out "I KNOW I'LL LOSE THE WEIGHT BY THEN" which made no sense to him because he hadn't read this post yet explaining why I've been dressing like a homeless person for the last twelve months.

The point is, about five weeks ago I finally started training for the half Ironman and the other day I was actually even kind of able to fit into a suit that I own.

So there I was, feeling alllll good about myself, when Matt showed up at my house this morning, whipped up some vinegar drink he read about on the internet when he clicked one of those spam buttons that was all like "LOOSE WAIT WITHOUT EXERSIZE!" because people like Matt are the reason the spammers don't relent.

Then he passed the drink over to me and I was all like "what is this?" and he was all like "it will finally get rid of your belly fat" and I was like "you think I need to get rid of my belly fat" and he was like "yes, everyone is sick of looking at you" and he didn't say that last part BUT THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.

So yeah. Ironman posts to come.

Also, we found my new favorite breakup story ever. So check it out in this week's episode of Strangerville below:


This time in Strangerville, two women tell one story about a most uncomfortable breakup.
Story:
1. Trunk in Love, by Carson Walter and Lauren Mortensen
Production by Eli McCann and Meg Walter

~It Just Gets Stranger

14 comments:

  1. Yasssssss. I live for your Ironman posts!

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  2. Haven’t listened to it yet because I am supposed to be putting my kids in bed (#wheresmymomaward) but I got excited by the last name, is this the ACTUAL meg’s Husband?

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  3. My favorite thing about 2018 (admittedly a low bar): Strangerville every week. I love the change and prefer shorter episodes more often.

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  4. Ok I am back now that i have listened (my kids are all in bed. #suchagoodmom) and I am still hoping someday to hear from Meg’s husband. Also, following meg on Instagram now. That’s one more for me to stalk. Amy Rose

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    1. BTW - I love that Amy Rose stalks me . . . . it gives me such joy when she hearts one of my pictures!

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    2. This is just like when Val from The Great British Baking Show commented "hi" on one of Skylar's Instagram photos that she had to scroll by like 75 weeks to get to.

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    3. And I love stalking people on Instagram! It’s basically my happy place. And I definitely sometimes do the scroll through to way old pictures and heart them thing. Good times.

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  5. I posted a long, sappy, rambling post about Kona Ironman back on New Year's Day and I included this link. Mostly because I think that the suggestions in this list not only make you a better athlete (which I am NOT, unless my sport was competitive eating), but could be applied to life and making yourself a better human.

    http://www.ironman.com/triathlon/news/articles/2017/11/50-ways-to-be-a-better-athlete.aspx#axzz56uQapGlI

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  6. The only good thing about girl clothes and their lack of pockets is the fact that I own pull-on dress pants that probably look similarly homeless-professional chic, but I didn't have to worry about taking off a belt when I got called for jury duty. They should totally make pull on dress pants for men too--they are the only pants that fit me in my skinniest adult year (2016) and my year of eating literally everything even when I didn't want food (2017).

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  7. Your assistant is the best thing that ever happened to you! Counseling made you a better person.

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  8. The Strangerville episode made me laugh out loud about twenty times. The story reminded me of a time I was at my friend's house when we were 10 and we were playing in her parents room (which was forbidden) and we heard them come home so we hid in their parents closet and the parents came in and had a super awkward fight about money while we sat in there for half an hour and to this day I still feel uncomfortable when I see them and I still get scared that they'll find out that we were in the closet the whole time. So that's why I'm posting this anonymously.

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  9. Really loving the new strangerville format with the shorter episodes. I've used them to listen to whilst washing dishes that my husband will put away since I can't stand crossing my own path more than once in a 12 hour period.

    This last episode was ridiculously funny, btw. I struggle find edgy clean comedy that isn't still cheesy. They have my vote for an all stars storytellers podcast episode, should you ever do that sort of thing!

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