Tuesday, March 27, 2018

The people of My Life

You guys. We are in the last days. I don't mean that religiously. Unless you consider Strangerville Live a religious experience, which some do. (I'm referring, probably, to the ones who have shown up at our shows wearing June Snapple shirts or Snuggies).

After every show Bob and Cathie tell me that I was the very best one no matter what else happens. They would tell me this even if I vomited onstage and electrocuted the audience. So if you want to come and see if they are right, do us a solid and get your tickets today at this link.

We are so excited to see y'all there this Friday at Church & State in Salt Lake City. Not that I say y'all, obvie.

And now:

Ring Ring

Eli: Hello?

Skylar: I'M DYING AND NO ONE CARES!

Eli: Is this more or less serious than when you were dying because you forgot to put on sunscreen and went outside for 20 minutes two weeks ago.

Skylar: Trick question! That and my current condition are both infinitely serious!

Eli: You didn't even get a sunburn.

Skylar: EYE WRINKLES ARE A SILENT KILLER.

Eli: So why are you dying today?

Skylar: Well, I'll tell you, even though I could tell you finger quoted the word "dying" in that question.

Eli: Go on.

Skylar: I have a virus and it has compromised my whole system.

Eli: How?

Skylar: Well, for starters, I have a major fever.

Eli: What is it?

Skylar: 98.9.

Eli: That's not a fever.

Skylar: I usually run cold so this may as well be 109.9.

Eli: You would be dead.

Skylar: EXACTLY.

Eli: I gotta go. Matt's calling me.

Click

Matt: I guess you don't even care what I'm doing. (Matt texts me this exact phrase at least once a day. It means: "ask me what I'm doing.")

Eli: Of course I care. I care so much.

Matt: Then why haven't you asked me yet?

Eli: Please tell me. What are you doing?

Matt: I'm updating my spreadsheets.

Eli: Wow. I'm so excited to hear that. Thank you for taking time from my life to let me know. Hang on. Skylar is calling me again.

Click

Eli: What?

Skylar: 100. 3!!! NOW who feels like an idiot?!

Eli: Hopefully still you. That's barely a temperature.

Skylar: I want you to know that I'm leaving you Duncan in my will.

Eli: He wasn't yours to leave.

Skylar: Please take care of him.

Eli: I will continue to do so.

Skylar: And don't even think about thanking me for that incredible gift.

Eli: He's my dog. And by the way, you probably shouldn't even hypothetically consider being so generous to me considering that I'm not leaving Duncan to you in my will.

Skylar: WHAT?!?! WHO GETS HIM?!

Eli: Matt.

Skylar: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I HAVE BASICALLY RAISED THAT DOG LIKE A SINGLE MOTHER!

Eli: You haven't. And Matt is more responsible than you. He even works on spreadsheets and stuff.

Skylar: THIS IS THE MOST UNACCEPTABLE THING--

Eli: Gotta go. Rebecca is calling me.

Click

Eli: Hey.

Rebecca: I lost my key to your house.

Eli: I didn't even know you had a key.

Rebecca: I did. I took it yesterday when I stopped by there to breastfeed my baby and ruin one of your pans.

Eli: I was wondering why a charred sauce pan was in the garbage.

Rebecca: Well don't blame me! How was I supposed to know that the stove was on high for 45 minutes when I was trying to make eggs and gluten free bread?!

Eli: So many questions. But I'll start with an answer to yours: You could have known the stove was on high by looking at the knob and seeing that you had turned it onto high.

Rebecca: You make it sound sooooo simple but it's NOT.

Eli: Also, I thought the phase of my life where you lose my keys was over.

Rebecca: No.

Eli: Also, I thought you lived in Mississippi now.

Rebecca: I do. But I've been here for like 2 weeks remodeling my house and I hang out at yours every day while you're at work. By the way, some of your dishes broke somehow and Duncan ruined part of your table by not using coasters.

Eli: Ugh. I need to go. Skylar is calling again. He's dying today.

Click

Eli: What.

Skylar: 100.5! And I'm being so brave!

Eli: How did I end up with the people I have in my life?

~It Just Gets Stranger

13 comments:

  1. "By looking at the KNOB."

    Can I bring a white board to the show Friday and correct your grammar in real time? I'm kidding. I live for Stranger. Correcting your typos is like some people's crossword or sudoku. So thanks for that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angela Marrie LuceyMarch 29, 2018 at 5:30 PM

      Kina Scott might be my spirit animal.

      I feel so validated right now.

      Delete
  2. You're just lucky I guess. :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. Can we take a moment and moment and appreciate the fact that Eli was the calm and rational one in all of these conversations? I suspect the author might have taken some artistic license in his transcriptions...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I just want everyone to know that I survived, and I appreciated all of your thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So does this mean I have to cancel the candlelight vigil?

      Delete
    2. Here's to your thoughts and prayers:
      http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/7f4576c7c2/thoughts-and-prayers-americas-worst-responders

      Delete
  5. This. I was thinking this the whole time I was reading this post. Hahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I’m assuming all of these calls were reversed because I simply do not believe that you, Eli Wickerman McCann, are capable of being this calm, reasonable, and responsible to so many people. At once.

    ReplyDelete