Tuesday, June 5, 2018

The Girl F Word

A conversation between Brianne and her very young nephew, as was told to me this morning. I can't stop laughing.

Nephew: My little sister has a potty mouth.

Brianne: Really? Does she say swear words?

Nephew: Yeah. She's been saying a really bad one lately.

Brianne: Which one?

Nephew: [Whispers] The F word.

Brianne: What?! No. She doesn't say the F word.

Nephew: Yes she does. I hear her saying it all the time lately. Sometimes she walks around the house yelling it.

Brianne: Buddy, I don't think she knows the F word.

Nephew: Yeah, she does. Because she keeps saying it.

Brianne: No. I think you might be confused. The F word is really bad and if she was saying it, someone would have talked to her about it by now.

Nephew: No, she's not saying the really bad F word. She saying the other one.

Brianne: [Pauses and thinks for a minute of what could possibly be the other one]. Which F word is "the other one?"

Nephew: You know. The girl F word.

Brianne: [Pauses and thinks again]. Do you mean the B word?

Nephew: No. It starts with an F.

Brianne: [Runs through all of the possibilities in her mind again]. Buddy, I don't know a "girl F word."

Nephew: [Whispers again] I'll spell it. It's the one that goes F-A-G--

Brianne: Oh no!

Nephew: I-N-A.

Brianne: Wait. What?

Nephew: You know. F-A-G-I-N-A.

Brianne: Fagina? Fagina? . . . Oh, FaJina?

Nephew: Yes! The girl F word.

In case it's not clear, he thought Vagina started with an F.

After several minutes of hysteria, wherein Brianne was nearly hospitalized for not breathing, she explained to the nephew the correct spelling of the word and why it's not actually a swear word. Then a few hours later while in a public place:

Niece: Ugh. My fagina's got an itch right now.

Brianne: Honey--maybe don't announce that.

Niece: Why? Is it a swear word?

Brianne: When you say it like that, almost.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. One of my children confuses "pimples" with "nipples." Many a stranger have whipped their heads around to see why my child is curious about "that guy with the nipples on his face." Anatomy is hard. I totally get it.

    1. HAHAHAHAHA This is perfect! My niece recently told me I had a lot of freckles on my face and then asked why some of them were red to which I responded that the red ones will plague her in the coming years for years to come.

    2. My niece confused ankles and nipples! My sister let me straighten that one out.

  2. (I tried posting this hours ago, and it wouldn't go through because you'll see how my phone has started dictating to me instead of the other way around - so I saved it in a note and now I'm typing it up on my desktop computer, like we did back in the stone ages.)

    My phone has started doing this annoyingly weird thing where some of the websites that I want to go to, my phone will deny me access. It will pop up a message that says, "this website is restricted" and if I want to continue on anyway I have to type in a passcode like I'm my own chaperone. I must have changed some settings at some point in my life and forgotten? Siri has also abandoned me - lately she only says, "I'm sorry, Amy. I can't do that for you." As if asking her what the weather is or what movies are showing is provocative.

    ANYWAY. When I tried to come to your blog to check for new posts, it may delight you or shock you or perplex you to know, your website was restricted. I'm an adult now though, and I make my own choices, racy though my phone may think they be, and I came on in anyway. OOOOH, someone cover Cathy's eyes for this post!


      OMG - I have a migraine and I totally didn't need to laugh that hard.

    2. FYI, Eli, this is because you need an SSL certificate for your site. That's a pretty big thing right now, so you might want your web genius person to look into it for you.

    3. I sincerely apologize, Nicole- migraines are nothing to joke about. I hope you feel better soon.

      Anonymous- does this mean you know why my phone is doing this to me? You understand the stuff that lives inside my phone and tells me what websites are restricted? And what I’m hearing is it’s not me, it’s Eli?

      Eli- letting someone else do dark magic isn’t the same as doing it yourself, right?

      Amy Rose because my phone has gone wild rogue again and won’t let me post with my google account and #lazy too copy it into notes and type up on my computer. I did that once already for you folks.

    4. You’d only have to be half as lazy if you cut and pasted it into an email for yourself and then did the reverse on your ‘puter.

      And hilarious.

  3. My four year old son calls them "Maginas" (Muh-Jinas). I haven't corrected him yet because I feel that name is more majestic.

  4. I have spent more time than I ever imagined explaining genitalia to my 3 yr old son. He is fascinated by the difference between boys and girls. We took a trip last week and he started announcing to all kinds of people that he has a penis and mommy has a bagina. And then started asking them what they had. I've never apologized so much on an airplane.

  5. When I was little, I thought it was called a "China"

    1. Last week I was, once again, explaining to my four year old the proper technique for poop wiping. "You have to wipe from behind so you don't smear poop into your vagina." She then said "Vagina! That's where Teddy was made!" Ummm, no girl. Teddy was made in no one's vagina. Teddy was made in CHINA.

  6. OMG I have the best story about my brother Googling Pokemon cheats and "phaginas" when he was 7 or 8, if you ever need some good content for the podcast.

  7. My youngest thought they were called "Chinas" and liked to tell people that babies come from China. I figured everything else does, so why not babies too?

  8. 1) The three year old recently discovered his boy parts, and calls them his "squishy monster"

    2) The three year old regularly asks if the three month old still has her "bagina" and where her penis went. I don't think he will ever understand that it was an umbilical stump, not a penis.

    4) The four year old is officially too old to shower with daddy after this conversation
    four year old: Daddy, what is that? It looks like a sack!
    daddy: Um. Well, it's um a, um, ball sack.
    four year old: You have a sack with balls?!?! Can I play with them?