Thursday, July 5, 2018

International Spy

Skylar treats state-issued IDs like you might treat chapstick.

Don't remember where you put the last one? That's ok. Just grab another the next time you're in the checkout line at the grocery store.

Keep one in your car. One at your desk. Send a couple through the washing machine in a dirty pair of pants.

The problems with this habit, though, are obvious.

State-issued IDs are not chapstick.

They are supremely more inconvenient to collect. And the more you have, the more likely your identity will be stolen.

Since I met Skylar in 2015, I have seen him lose at least 4 driver's licenses. That's one a year, y'all. And you know I don't even say that.


Skylar disputed the number the other day when I screamed it at him after his most recent disclosure, which I'll get to in a minute. He told me that actually several of those IDs were not really lost because he totally found them later. After he got a replacement ID.

I told him that he was proving my point, but when I said that he just screamed "EXACTLY!" which is Skylar's incredibly obnoxious way of trying to end an argument so it appears as though he won.

In the last few years he has lived in Washington, Oregon, Wisconsin, Massachusetts, and Utah. He has also basically been living in California for the past two years because he spends most of his time there for work.

What this means is he is well on his way to collecting a state-issued ID in all 50 states. This is because every time he moves to a new place he loses his most recent ID, gets a new one, and then finds the old one. He has so many IDs right now that if you rifled through his stuff and you didn't know any better, you might think he's an international spy.

So it shouldn't have been a surprise. I really shouldn't have been surprised. A few months ago when he finally got a Utah driver's license I actually emotionally prepared myself for the phone call I got while Skylar was traveling last weekend.

Skylar: Promise you won't leave me after I tell you something?

Eli: I make that promise to no one.

Skylar: Please just promise that you won't freak out and you'll stay with me forever.

Eli: Hard pass. What did you do?

Skylar: I lost my wallet--

Eli: You have until the end of the week to move your stuff out of my house.

Skylar: YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME.

Eli: I did not promise that. I affirmatively refused to make that promise, in fact.

Skylar: EXACTLY!

Eli: Dammit.

At least he's pretty.


Even if he can't smile like a normal person for pictures.

~It Just Gets Stranger

10 comments:

  1. Danielle KreamalmyerJuly 5, 2018 at 11:49 AM

    Personally I think only the best kind of people lose thei IDs on a regular basis. And how fantastic are his detective skills for always finding them?!?!

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  2. Replies
    1. It’s funny you say that because I recently had a dentist in Wisconsin describe my teeth are “weak and feminine” WHICH I think is vaguely sexist. #girlpower

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    2. How in the heck can teeth be feminine?? That’s a really dumb dentist.

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  3. "I make that promise to no one." HAHAHAHA

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  4. So how DO you know he's not an international spy?? Didn't you see Mr and Mrs Smith?? (Full disclosure I don't really remember what that movie is about but aren't they both secretly spies?) Maybe he's here conducting espionage for Russia and you're just a piece of arm candy he picked up to complete his cover.

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  5. Skylar if you're reading this: The Doofus Coalition accepts you even if Eli won't. #FreeSkylar #SeventeenDriversLicensesIsTheRightNumberOfDriversLicenses #SkylarIsOnTheRightSideOfHistory

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  6. Pretty people can get away with a lot. I know this for a fact.

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  7. My husband has lost his wallet countless times in the 11 years we've been married: Once in our newlywed apartment (it was only 500 square feet and it was missing for a month); once at a rest stop on our way from Arizona to Utah; once at a grocery store parking lot outside of Disneyland; and so many other times that I fail to recall right now. He has had his license replaced at least 4 times because of it. Recently I got him a Tile for his wallet and keys, because I was so. done. keeping track of it all (because let's face it, if I don't keep track of them, he definitely isn't! haha). Maybe Skylar could benefit from the Tiles as well? https://www.amazon.com/Tile-Mate-Slim-Combo-Pack/dp/B01MF9VQOP/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?ie=UTF8&qid=1531164785&sr=8-2-spons&keywords=tile&psc=1

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