Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Golf and Buses

Skylar started medical school yesterday while I went golfing.

I would have traded him places in a heartbeat.

And no, I'm not interested in going to medical school. I'm just even less interested in going golfing.

But I have to go once a year. Yes, "have to." Don't give me that whole song and dance about how we choose our own adventures. Once a year I am invited to a work function that requires me to go golfing and I'm not totally sure what would happen if I didn't go but I suspect at least prison is a possibility and look at this face it was not made for prison.

I could, you know, practice. Then maybe I wouldn't be terrible at it and then maybe I wouldn't hate it with a hot and fiery passion. But that would require me to golf more. And I don't know if you've picked up on this yet, but I hate golfing. Kind of a lot.

So instead of practicing, I show up to a golf course in God knows where at God knows what time when it's Satan knows what temperature to play exactly one game of golf each year.


They put us into foursomes. I rarely feel bad for being terrible at the game because I'm typically grouped with people who care about golf as much as I do. Usually about four hours into playing YES THIS DAMN THING LASTS MORE THAN FOUR HOURS we start cheating a little. Not to win. We took dead last yesterday, just as my team does every year, as we fully anticipated we would. We cheat just to get the torture over with faster.

Also, I have to start cheating at some point because of how frequently I lose golf balls. Yesterday I lost 10. I started with 10. And I lost 10. For those who are bad at math, that means I only had like 4 left by the end.

Skylar tried to one up me all day through text updates about his experience, which began with a bus ride to school.

This was his first time ever navigating the Salt Lake City bus system and he was quite excited to do it. The first thing I heard about how it was a text from him that just said "a man is licking his palm right next to me."

Then, in case I was speed reading and missed it, he followed it up with "HIS PALM."

But all of the palm lickers in the world are not as bad as golfing 18 holes DID I TELL YOU I HAD TO GOLF 18 FREAKING HOLES? 18 is a HUGE number. Imagine listening to Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On 18 times in a row? Terrible, right? Now replace that with golf holes.

SOMEHOW EVEN WORSE.

By early afternoon I was getting updates about a conflict resolution seminar they were making Skylar sit through, which means that medical school is already very not what I thought it would be.

By this point I was pretending to look for a ball in some weeds while the rest of my group was pretending to hope I would find it.

I finally drove eleventy hours back to the office, sunburned and somehow unbelievably sore, where I performed 9 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Skylar was done with his first day by this point so he texted me and asked me if I would come pick him up so he didn't have to ride the bus again "LIKE A POOR PERSON."

I did, and when he got into the car he quickly said that he was "tired of spending all day crossing his Is and dotting his Qs" and when I criticized him for getting absolutely no part of that saying right he just leaned in and insisted it was correct that way. So I think Skylar might be bilingual now.

P.S. Skylar made me wake up at negative eleventy o'clock yesterday so I could take a picture of him "like my mom used to do" on his first day of school. Then he had his mother dig up pictures of him as a child so he could compare and see if he's grown up since the mid-90s (YES I'M A CRADLE-ROBBER).

He showed me the below picture and I instantly screamed "OMG YOU LOOK LIKE CHRISTINA APPLEGATE IN DON'T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER'S DEAD." He had no idea what I was talking about. But, well, see for yourselves.

Skylar on the left.


Can I at least get some credit for the most specific reference of all time?

And, awwwwwwwwe



~It Just Gets Stranger

34 comments:

  1. I thought he looked a bit more like Draco Malfoy, to be honest.

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    1. Isn't the smile too happy and cute to be Draco Malfoy? Where's the sneer?

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    2. I just assumed Eli doesn't know what a Draco Malfoy is.

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    3. You guys are just wrong. He was Christina Applegate. And it was fierce.

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    4. QED Draco Malfoy is Christina Applegate and Tom Felton is going to play Skylar in my upcoming Stranger movie musical.

      PS Eli, if you had shown us this picture as Skylar before you chose to be gay, this Christina Applegate photo definitely would’ve outed Skylar.

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    5. Respectfully submitted: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XKZeIZmCy7M/VKgnCkKbaQI/AAAAAAAACcE/HDs9z-JkZ_A/s1600/visit%2Bto%2Bhagrid%2B2.jpg

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  2. I only made it as far as the prison thing and then I got distracted thinking about the show The IT Crowd, and this skirt:
    https://www.redbubble.com/people/mackenzieproud/works/10133102-moss-the-it-crowd?p=pencil-skirt

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    1. This post also made me think of the IT Crowd, but I started thinking about Gay! A Gay Musical.

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    2. This skirt is hilarious! IT Crowd is the best. The episode where Moss “goes to prison” is one of my favorite tv episodes ever.

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    3. It's impossible to pick a favorite, they're all too good. Jen breaking the "internet", the kiss on the bum at the end of the massage, Peter File, Aunt Irma...I need to rewatch it.

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  3. I too, am starting my first day of school soon (next week or something? I really should look up the date) and I too will probably be taking the bus and I didn't know there could be PALM LICKERS! Although, surely that's a thing for a big city like Salt Lake City, and not a thing for a nice little town like Lincoln, Nebraska, right?!

    AND I am going back to school but I am not a cute young thing like Skylar anymore, I am ancient, like Eli. As more proof than just our birthdates that suggest similar ages: I have never played a round of golf, but my back hurt and my legs felt sore just from reading this post. Will I survive?!

    Also, Skylar has inspired me to take a first day of school picture, exactly like the ones I do for my girls.

    Also, I am pretty sure if I post this comment, it will show up with my husband's name (remember when I posted as my father? I'm an internet mess.) I don't know how to change this and it's risky enough for my comments to even get through, so everyone, please welcome DEVIN ROSE even though it's really just same old, same old, Amy Rose.

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    1. Good luck with your first day of school Amy Rose! Also, I love your internet messiness. It's like a game of Guess Who or you're trying to throw off Big Brother.

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    2. Ha ha ha! Thanks for the good luck wishes, I will definitely need them. I keep wondering, do people still take pens and notebooks to class in college? Or is it all inter web tech and click click tap screens now? AND yes, gotta keep one eye out for big brother.

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    3. Amy Rose...if you're going to that big school with that sports ball game, first day of classes is the 20th :) (just b/c I work there, doesn't mean I've ever gone to a game...)

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    4. Jenny in NE, that IS the school I will be going to! Thank you for telling me when school starts! I am pretty nervous. What do you do there? My husband is a professor at UNL, and we have lived here eight years and have never gone to one of those sports ball games, either! (Ok, BYU women's soccer came out to play and we got tickets to that game.)

      AND NOW, just because the internet likes to creep and weird me out, this comment will be posted as my SISTER. I don't even... I can't... why?! What is happening? THIS IS NOT MIMI, It's AMY. Though, to be fair to the internet, people have gotten us mixed up our whole lives. Even some of our nieces can't tell us apart.

      AMY ROSE FOREVER.

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    5. Awww, I love you too, Nicole!

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    6. You will be fantastic, Amy Rose! Try not to worry too much. If it gets overwhelming, try out one of the hammocks by the union's fountain :) I am one of those who herds grad students...

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    7. I ALMOST just commented as Jeff on the post one newer than this one. I almost did an Amy Rose.

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  4. I also did not get your reference because I am also a child...and I’m pretty sure my husband is your exact age, Eli! I like to remind him how much of a cradle robber he is by saying creepy things like “when you graduated high school, I was just starting middle school”. He LOVES it. I highly recommend this practice for anyone in a mixed age relationship!!

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    1. Our new neighbor thought my husband is a cradle robber because I evidently look so much younger than him. The neighbor literally refused to believe I'm as old as I am . . . so Yay Me!

      I knew the reference though . . . great movie . . .

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    2. Haha! Yay for you, Nicole!! I used to have the opposite problem when I was in my early 20s, people always thought I was older. Now I guess my age is believable because no one questions it, haha!

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    3. Nicole, that cracked me up. My husband's boss's wife thought my husband was a pervert because I look much younger than he does. I laughed so hard when she finally told me. Plot twist, I'm older than my husband. Lol

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    4. From the age of about 14 to my mid-30s people always thought I was older. When I wasn't even 18 men in their mid to late 20s would ask me out and flirt with me and then were mortified when they found out how old I was. When I was in my late 20s I was talking with someone who was surprised by how young I was because she thought I was her age (late 30s).

      Then - sometime in my late 30s the tide shifted and suddenly people started guessing me 5 to 10 years younger than I am! I'm enjoying it while it lasts! When they start guessing my age again maybe I'll stop coloring my hair and let the gray come through.

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  5. It’s about time he got a real job and started supporting you in the manner in which you’d like to become accustomed to. In like 10 years. And a lawyer AND a Doctor?!? Both your moms should be happy because isn’t that what all moms want for their kids? But also, Skylar is Christina Applegate and don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise. And my husband has work trips to SLC now and if I can get myself out there, I will be awkwardly stalking you in my introverted way. I’ll email a picture so you know not to call the police on the woman who is lurking around your office/gym/house.

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  6. Christina . . . Draco . . . . who cares - SKYLAR HAD BLOND HAIR!

    I have so many questions - was is naturally blond or did mini-Skylar bleach it? What the heck is he wearing? I thought it was a Halloween vampire costume at first. If it was naturally blond, when did it start to darken?

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  7. Huh. Apparently I didn’t sign out when I was visiting your house last week! Oh, Ames.

    And yay for Strangers in Nebraska!!

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    1. I think I am just going to start collecting aliases in the comments thread, so no one will ever know who I actually am. Who will I comment as next?! The suzzzz? Nicole kragt? Sarah RB? Sarah Wise? Brandon? Kina? Chaun? NO ONE IS SAFE. (Don't tell anyone though, this will be our little secret.)

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    2. I thought about this as I was walking my three legged dog tonight (he's doing great! And he knows more people in the neighborhood by name than I do. That is, they know his name and not mine). As I walked I was thinking about this Skylar/Christina Applegate thing. The look is just so on point that I think the director actually told Christina to "do the skylar" and showed her his picture. And then of course, she nailed it.

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    3. I am so incredibly honored I made it into the list of people whose online identities you're going to steal. Take mine! It's yours!

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  8. Holy shit. He totally does look like Christina Applegate.

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  9. Great reference. A classic for our family. I'm pretty sure my sisters and I could quote the whole movie. I was envisioning the "personnel" scene, but the one you picked captured it better.

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