Tuesday, September 25, 2018

I don't have a beef with you.

Look.

I don't have a beef with anyone.

I mean, except for the essential oils people.

But all the other people? No beef. No beef with the other people.

If you want to ride an elevator when stairs are faster, that's your business. I don't have a beef with you. It seems like a really poor choice. But it's your poor choice.

And they aren't even stairs. It's an escalator. So if laziness is your issue, the escalator is right over there [points to somewhere not even far away]. The escalator will be faster.

But if you don't want to take the escalator, that's fine. I don't have a beef with anyone.

Well, besides people who put pineapple on pizzas. And essential oils people.

But if you're not those people, I don't have a beef with you.

Even if you can't seem to understand that this is an incredibly slow elevator. MASSIVELY slow. COMICALLY slow. And the escalator is faster. The one right over there.

That's fine. You can wait right here with me. I have to take this elevator. I can't choose the obviously-more-sensible escalator option. I have to ride this elevator up one story to the gym, and there isn't an escalator or even stairs that I can take. The elevator is the only option to get to the gym.

You're trying to go down. There are escalator options to go down.

But that's fine. I don't have a beef with anyone.

Of course with the exception of anti-vaxxers (GO AHEAD AND @ ME). And the people who put pineapple on pizzas. And essential oils people.

But if you aren't one of those people, I don't have a beef with you.

Even if you push the down button 20 times while we stand there waiting. If you start pushing the button repeatedly upon noticing that this elevator is FAMOUSLY slow, I won't try to stop you. Even though OMG you are an adult how do you not know that pressing the button again is not going to make it go any faster. You probably also inch forward dozens of times at each stoplight, like doing so is going to save you time.

And it's fine if you are! That's fine! What's it to me if you push the button 20 times while I'm standing there waiting with you?! Who is being hurt by this insanely pointless exercise!!? IT'S FINE.

I DON'T HAVE A BEEF WITH ANY.ONE.

Besides people who inch forward at stoplights. And anti-vaxxers. Well and the pineapple pizza people.

And essential oils.

But that's not a big list. I'm not the kind of person who has beef with people. I'm totally beefless. I'm basically a vegetarian!

Which reminds me that I do have a beef with some vegetarians. Just the preachy ones.

BUT I DON'T HAVE A BEEF WITH THE REST OF THE VEGETARIANS.

GOOD FOR THEM!

And good for the button pushers! Even the ones who are screaming into their cell phones while we wait for the elevator that I have to ride up and they are incompetently-choosing to ride down WHEN THE ESCALATOR IS RIGHT OVER THERE.

I don't mind!! My voice isn't getting high-pitched! Yours is!

Why would my voice be getting high pitched! I don't have a beef with people!

BESIDES preachy vegetarians, stoplight inchers, anti-vaxxers, and pineapple people!

Well, and essential oils.

That's fine. All of this is F.I.N.E.

Until.

Until you, button-pushing escalator-ignoring cell-phone screamer, decide to get onto the elevator that is clearly going up when you are clearly wanting to go down.

I know you want to go down, because I saw you push the down button.

TWENTY TIMES.

But instead of waiting for the elevator to take me up the one floor and then come back down to get you to take you to your destination WHICH CAN BE REACHED BY THE ESCALATOR RIGHT OVER THERE IN CASE I HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT YET, you decide to invite your entire family of NINE to get onto the elevator.

And when one of them says, "wait. This elevator is going up. We need to go down." which is a very unimpressive but helpful observation, you say, "oh let's just get on for the ride." So your whole family packs itself into the tiny elevator that is already nearly at capacity because 20 people on the floor below us all got in to ride the elevator up in hopes that the elevator would eventually take them down.

And now, since you think this elevator is a ride at Disneyland, I can't get onto the freaking elevator, because it is fully packed with a bunch of people WHO COULD HAVE JUST TAKEN THE ESCALATOR.

THE ONE OVER THERE.

So I have to stand there and wait for the elevator to go up to the gym, come back down one floor, open again to reveal that not a single person has exited the elevator because none of them needed to go to the gym. And now I have to wait a full eternity for the COLOSSALLY slow elevator to go down and drop all of the riders off at all of the down floors.

Look.

I don't have a beef with anyone.

Besides the people who ride the elevator in the wrong direction instead of just waiting for the right elevator to come

And the preachy vegetarians, stoplight inchers, anti-vaxxers, and pineapple people.

And essential oils.

~It Just Gets Stranger

21 comments:

  1. This made me incredibly anxious and incredibly frustrated. For you. And in general. Those people are the worst.

    Also, nicely written. Note the frustration above.

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  2. A. This made me think of that scene in Speed when the guy pushes the button in the elevator that's already been pushed and his co-worker makes a snide comment and then the elevator plummets several floors and the snide commenter says, "Jesus, Bob. What button did you push?"

    B. This also made me think of the Italian Job quote about FINE. You know what FINE stands for right? F*&ked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.

    C. I have a thing for movie quotes.

    D. What kind of gym is only accessible by an elevator? That's insane! What if there's a fire!?!?!

    E. Sorry Amy - I only made it to E.

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    Replies
    1. Wait! I say this quote once a week and I thought F was for Freaking out! Are you sure your quote is right! I mean I just used it not 15 minutes ago! Places confirm.

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    2. They do say freaking out in the movie.

      - Your Other Movie Quoting Expert

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    3. Actually they say "Freaked out" (I just watched the clip on YouTube to be sure).

      How do you know that my missing letters didn't spell out freaked . . . maybe I just like writing freaked . . . maybe you have the inappropriate mind instead of me . . .

      Seriously - thanks for correcting that one - it makes it more PG thus I can share it in broader company!

      Delete
  3. I'm not smiling. No sirree Bob, I'm not smiling while Casper and I enjoy our pineapple pizza.

    But I am having elevator flashbacks to my cruise, the only "good" vacation I've ever taken. People would crowd on the elevator, no matter how many people were already on it and no matter which way it was going. So we'd end up smashed against the back wall and no amount of "excuse me, need off, pardon me, coming through, my floor, MOVE DAMMITT" would work. You just had to hope when your floor came by again you had held onto a front spot and could work your way out. Good times.

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  4. Replies
    1. YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

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  5. This is perfection.

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  6. This reminds me of this song "I've Got No Beef With You", particularly when you bring up vegetarians.

    https://youtu.be/g8i8-OVt8VY

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  7. One of the things I loved in Korea, was that pushing an elevator button a second time canceled the call. It was great to watch impatient people watch in horror as the elevator skipped their floor.

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    1. I would love a video of this. There's got to be some security guard with really good footage of this happening. I'll send him cookies in exchange for the tape. I'd say that's a fair trade.

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  8. This reminds me of my wedding day, weirdly enough. We had done our first look pictures on the 2nd floor of a fancy hotel, and apparently everyone and their mother was riding the elevator down that day. (I know it's ridiculous to ride the elevator down from the second floor, but my dress had a train and was ivory LACE and we hadn't actually gotten married yet.) We waited through about five elevators before I finally threw my hands up, gathered my dress as high as I could and marched down the disgusting stairwell.

    I know, serious first world problems, and there was a stairwell, but it was dirty and I was in heels.

    In the end, I now have some really funny pictures of that.

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  9. This story makes me feel burning inside annoyance.

    And now I want a baby.

    I don’t think those two things are connected.

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  10. Is this the elevator to The Gym at City Creek? Because I used to go there and thhhhiiiiissssss wasssss the wooorrrrssssttttttt!!!!!!!! Ugh. It’s also mind boggling that a gym wouldn’t have stair access. Do they even know what people are going there for? Also, I didn’t love that it was literally on top of the Cheesecake Factory. It would have been so easy in those hours I spent waiting for the slowest evelvator in the world to just abandon hope and go get cheesecake. Ugh.

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    Replies
    1. time to find a new gym, or do what I would do and email this lovely rant to the manager of the GyM and the City Creek management (aka, the Church) about their obnoxiously slow elevator and bad design of making a Gym only available by elevator.

      Come to think of it, there has to be stairs, because fire code, and if not, email the fire marshal too. I'm so finiky on the exercise train right now, I can guarantee I'd give up and go for cheesecake.

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  11. Ah that is so annoying!! And strange that the gym doesn't have a stairwell!?
    Also I am sometimes a stoplight-incher BUT WAIT, let me explain! My baby screams bloody murder if the car is not moving, so sometimes for my own sanity, I'll inch along at a stoplight, just to avoid the screams! But I know it's annoying! Sorry!!!

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  12. I used to work on the 9th floor of a very large hospital. But the elevator was already incredibly slow, and one morning I was late. I got on the elevator and this old lady looked at me and said, I didn't know which floor you would need so I just pressed all the buttons. She got off on the 2nd floor and I had to stop at every floor for no reason all the way up to the 9th.

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    Replies
    1. Which is why we who have lived in Korea, LOVE that you can hit the button again and it will clear the request! It's brilliant.

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  13. Could you please add people who do not mute their phone on gigantic conference calls please? I'm talking about you, Rohan K (today's perpetrator).

    Also, my brother in law doesn't eat "hot fruit" so is your aversion to pineapple on pizza specifically just pineapple and pizza or does it extend to other fruits in dishes? I should also point out that my BIL DOES like apple crisp and fruit pies, so I think he is over exaggerating a bit ...

    Also also THANK GOODNESS FOR SPELL CHECK! It's helped me about 10 times in this comment ...

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