Sunday, December 2, 2018

Track Workout

I've been going through this phase for the past couple of years called "getting fat and aging" and apart from all of the fun parts, like eating and tv and lying on the floor after work having my servants pour candy into my mouth until I'm unconscious, it hasn't been great.

When I was 22 and eating enough calories every day to solve world hunger while simultaneously complaining that skinny jeans were too baggy on me, grownups (AKA, people between 30 and 55, which to me were all the exact same age) used to say variations of "enjoy it while you can because one day a grain of sugar will land on your face and then they'll have to remove your body from your house with a crane."

Remember those times? Remember when you could drink a gallon of cyanide while soaking in a tub of lard without sleeping for a week and the only effect any of that had was that it somehow made your skin glow?

Now if I turn on a cooking show for more than 3 minutes, I can't wear any of my belts anymore.

A few weeks ago I was lamenting the fact that all of my dress pants are too tight on me to button up and I said the words "I'M A FAT LARD FACE WHO DOESN'T DESERVE HAPPINESS," to which Skylar thought the appropriate response was a very sincere "you do too deserve happiness."


He's in a lose/lose situation. Every time I say I want to start eating more vegetables and less baked goods and he expresses any amount of support, I depose him as a hostile witness, demanding to know why he can't love me the way I am. If he doesn't express support, I pester him to know why he doesn't want me to live a long life and who is his side piece and I want a prenup.

It's gotten to the point that as soon as I start forming a sentence that he can tell is going to be about food, Skylar sprints out of the room and hides.

Basically I'm terrible to date and I'm not even fit anymore so I'm not totally sure what's keeping him around but I think it has something to do with how much he hates moving.

So the other day I decided that maybe I needed to try something new. When I was younger I used to do a lot of speed workouts on the track and these tended to make me feel pretty good, plus there's all the shame from the other people out running and if growing up as a closeted gay child in Utah taught me one thing it's that shame is incredibly healthy and it never has any negative consequences for anyone.

I went to a track at a high school down the street from me. I was so brave because it was freaking cold and very snowing. Salt Lake City has turned into Christmas this week.

Walked past ol' T dawg the other night.
The high school girls soccer team was having practice on the field.

At some point in the past few years I transitioned to this age where I feel like I am immediately presumed to be a predator until proven otherwise whenever I'm near teenage girls. This makes me so uncomfortable that when I arrived on the track I wished I had a sign on me that said "Don't worry. Big fat homo."

In any event, the girls soccer team taking center stage was actually very positive for my track workout because I assumed that all of them were Regina George, which made me extra resistant to stopping and walking at any moment for fear that I would be mocked by a bunch of teens half my age who were most definitely not at all paying attention to me.

I made it through. I even felt fast a couple of times. The yelling from the soccer coach, although not directed at me, was sort of motivating.

I finished right around the time the girls were wrapping up. I gathered my things and walked past them on the way out.

They were popping open a box of donuts, all of the girls gathering around to grab one.

I resisted the urge to yell, "enjoy it while you can!"

And now, please enjoy an embarrassing bathroom story from one of your strangers:


This time in Strangerville, Meg has a meltdown about pregnancy. And a young woman gets more than she bargained for while meeting a new boyfriend’s family for the first time.
Story
Hairbrush, by Jessie Thurston
Production by Eli McCann & Preg Walter

~It Just Gets Stranger

21 comments:

  1. Skylar stays because your hair is always on point.

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  2. Look how early I'm commenting on this post! I keep your blog open in a tab.

    I don't even know where to start with this post, SO MUCH TRUTH!
    30 and 55 ARE basically the same, I can tell you this because I am awfully close to 55, but I think I'm 30, okay 38.

    My husband would tell you not to worry too much about the girls thinking you're a predator-- you're getting really close to the age where you are invisible to teen and twenty-something aged girls. (maybe not so alarming to you, but rough on the ego of many men)

    And thank you for modeling 1. Wonderful hair and 2. such an amazingly healthy relationship...

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    Replies
    1. You're dead to me. I'm 39, 55 is 16 years away and I am no where near it.

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    2. I'm with The Suzzzzz on this one. I'm sure I'll feel differently when I'm 50 though.

      P.S., The Suzzzzzz, a little while ago I woke up in the middle of the night and thought how funny it would be if you ever posted a boring nerdy comment on Stranger because then I could comment, "The Suzzzzzz? More like the SNOOZZZZE!" And I would laugh and laugh and everyone would think I was so funny and they would invite me to their parties and we would all have so much happiness that pharmaceutical companies would have to make a new drug to bring us down from it. But you never post a boring comment so you are ruining what could be a wonderful thing.

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    3. Eli, honey, sweetie, honey-sweetie-child, you have really low standards if you think I never post boring comments...but I'll take any compliment I can get...because I also have very low standards.

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    4. Fan Girl, I got your back. I'm 39 and feel 50, but think I'm 28. Menopause is a mean mean girl that showed up at my life party 10 years too early. I constantly try and figure out how I can stop hurting enough to exercise again so I can lose some of this weight I've gained, so I wouldn't hurt all the time. Vicious cycle.

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  3. Wow. That photo of Temple Square is so pretty.

    And if how you look is considered losing your figure, there is no hope for the rest of us.

    But I do support you in all your healthy life choices. ;)

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    Replies
    1. I don't think I started with a figure so I had nothing to lose!

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  4. If you need any more bathroom stories ... you know, to stick with the theme, let me know! I've got a pretty decent one that happened within the last year. And I've told maybe 5 people about it?

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    Replies
    1. I had the worst bathroom story happen yesterday in sacrament meeting! & on top of that some lady got up and announced there is no Santa over the pulpit. Pandemonium! & a bathroom story to boot. Ugh.

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  5. I think this is also unique to men... I don't think many women can really eat like a teenage boy and never gain an ounce. But we also don't all of a sudden gain 25 pounds when we turn 30 so we'll take it.

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    Replies
    1. True. However we do gain 25 pounds when we turn 45 and no amount of running will make it go away.

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  6. So many thoughts on this podcast.

    1 - United is the WORST airline! I don't know why people keep flying them. Work used to book me on them all the time when I had to fly to Phoenix and they lost my luggage EVERY TIME! Ugh. I finally told my company I wouldn't fly United anymore.

    2 - I legit was worried there would be throw-up in this story. Whenever you have a story that involves puking I invariably gag and almost puke myself and since I was walking on the treadmill at the gym at the time that wouldn't have been good.

    3 - Yes I go to the gym! I may not look like it but I'm a very healthy person! Oooo - look - a donut!

    4 - My dad called my sister "shithead" (sorry for the language) for years because my mom pooped on her right after giving birth. Thus, I knew about this thing long before I birthed my own child.

    5 - I'm not surprised that Skylar's brother thought Matt was Skylar when he was in the shower - they're twins after all!

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  7. All that and you're not even going to say what you did for the track workout? Inquiring minds want to know.

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    Replies
    1. 5x800. It was a great challenge to get these times:

      2:58
      2:50
      2:52
      2:52
      2:52

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    2. That's awesome. Well done.

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  8. Holding my bladder on roadtrips is my second most constant concern (only second to running out of gas in the middle of nowhere). I will eat hoards and hoards of candy and junk food to keep me awake rather than a few 16-oz bottles of water. My stomach hates me after awhile, but at least I'm not stopping the car every hour to find a decent gas station restroom.

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  9. Ha. Just wait until you're 40. Take my advice and don't invest in any pants without an elastic waist. You cannot beat metabolism.

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