Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Wedding Planning

I had been dreading the prospect of planning a wedding for a while when I asked Skylar to go to hell with me (which is how I refer to getting gay married).

Look. Weddings and I just don't really go together. We have nothing in common. We don't like each other. We're connected by marriage alone.

Skylar almost permanently left me a few years ago when I had a full-blown temper tantrum while preparing for Rebecca's wedding picnic. In hindsight, I blame him entirely for the whole thing. We had been together long enough for him to know that dragging me to a Costco to buy things for a wedding when I hadn't slept well the night before was just begging for a total disaster. 

He combined the two things I hate the most in this world.

He should have totally foreseen the amount of profanities I was likely to scream while dodging shopping carts the size of Mormon SUVs as I held arm-fulls of sliced cheese.

Also, it was really unfair of him to pit me and cheese against each other.

So earlier this year when I realized that my eggs were drying up and I better hurry and marry Skylar before he figures out that my athlete's foot is not a thing I'm "getting over," I began emotionally bracing myself for the very real possibility that planning a wedding with this person would result in one of our deaths.

We have totally different views on what a wedding should look like.

My ideal wedding, if you ever hear Skylar try to describe it to one of our friends, looks like this: we wake up and post on Facebook that we're getting hitched at high noon and that if anyone wants to come, they can, as long as they BYO meat for the lunch barbecue that will follow. Up to ten people show up, most of them covered in mud, and shoo the rats off of the dilapidated furniture in the front yard so they can sit and watch while Roseanne Barr ties barbed wire around our fingers and signs our wedding certificate. Then we spend our honeymoon selling plasma to make an extra buck.

For his part, Princess Kate (as I have been calling him lately), would prefer that our wedding day be declared a national holiday. We fly into the Swiss Alps on unicorns, where every person he's ever met in his life, including the people he doesn't even like, have greatly inconvenienced themselves to travel. Elton John performs a medley of his songs on a piano made entirely of solid gold and priceless artifacts from the Holy Land. The ceremony lasts a week and a half, during which we feed the guests three meals a day before giving them exact replicas of the Hope Diamond as party favors.

I cannot stomach the idea that one should spend very much money on a wedding. I've been saving for all of you to go to college one day. It just seems really selfish to use those funds on a party for myself. 

We've had to figure out how to start compromising on these things. I offered to get rid of the rats as he reluctantly agreed that the Elton John piano doesn't have to be solid gold. 

I'm sure we'll figure out the rest. Or one of us will die. Either way, things shouldn't get too ugly, as long as he doesn't make me go into a Costco.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. I made my husband plan our entire wedding because I would much rather sleep than make decisions. He did a wonderful job. And I hate Costco.

  2. I'm proud of you both for compromising. I know a wedding without rats and with a gold plated piano isn't the dream, but you're making it work.

  3. Hey, I have a suggestion especially for Skylar! Hire Lollipuff Cotton Candy to come to the reception. They do events all over northern Utah. It's gourmet cotton candy, so you can act like it's fancy enough for royalty. It actually tastes good (and I don't even like cotton candy), and they can do cool shapes. And we all know cotton candy is what Skylar wants at a big party. :)

  4. I am so looking forward to more posts as you two go through this! My wedding included a borrowed wedding dress and a BBQ at my parents house. Been married almost 22 years!

    1. I was you and my husband was Skyler. Right after becoming engaged, I made the mistake of taking a work trip to remote villages in Africa for two weeks. When I came back he and his mom had everything in place except my wedding dress...which I borrowed. In the end, it was superb! (Minus the part where my nephew poured slush into my mother in law’s grand piano... thankfully not solid gold.)

  5. I can’t wait to read more as the planning process continues... it’s going to be good storytelling for sure!

  6. Apparently The Queen has your piano. Maybe she will rent it to you to calm the ire of the peoples who don't want her to have nice things.

    I'll BMO meat for me and Casper. But you have to re-enact at least one Turkish bath incident during the reception. It'll be cheaper and much more entertaining than any wedding band we can afford.

  7. I think we should all be invited. I’d fly in for this!

  8. I got married for about $3000 total. My in-laws sent us to Bermuda for our honeymoon and that cost more than my wedding. A friend gave us his catering services as a gift - we just had to supply the actual food for him to cook and prepare. My husbands uncle took pictures. His cousin videotaped it. Our friend acted as the DJ. Another friend decorated the church. A cosin decorated the pavilion for the reception. They never conferred but the styles completely matched. We got cases of wine and had two kegs. I bought a discount dress. And the flowers were donated by a friend who owned a greenhouse. My advice- call in every favor you have out there.

  9. You guys are so cute, and what a well-written article— looking forward to the updates!!

  10. Just reread this - ack! All those typos!! I apologize but I can’t be held responsible for what I type when commenting on my phone!

  11. awesomesauciness here...first, HI, and I’M NOT DEAD! Why does everyone assume?

    Anyhoo-$500 wedding and reception, planned in 3 weeks because baby on board, and 43 yrs later the hubs and I still crazy in love. Only moment’s pause when it was decided our reception was going to be held at a restaurant with the word ‘pit’ in the name. Generally, not a good idea but it worked for us.


    I love wedding planning, let me make you some weird favors :) (totally not joking tho)

  13. As I tell all my friends who try and pay me to babysit their kids "oh, no thank you, I'll be cashing in the favor one day to have you watch mine". I think you should call in Rebecca and any other friends who's weddings you've helped with and make them the 'honorary' wedding planners. I can only giddily imagine the spectacular stories that will come from all those amazing people/personalities putting together a wedding for you two. :) I hope I get an invite.