Tuesday, April 30, 2019

The Hole in my Front Yard

I told you a little while ago that my concrete steps leading up to the house look like Chernobyl. They have been crumbling apart for years. They are as old as the Titanic. I can still smell the paint.

So I called a concrete contractor who showed up and was like "I can fix those for you and it only costs twelve million dollars and half your virtue" and I was like "MY VIRTUE IS PROBABLY PRICELESS."

Speaking of virtue, Meg recently taught me a new phrase:



The point is, stuff be going on at Meg's Twitter and I don't always know how to feel about it.

I told the concrete contractor to come and take advantage of me because I'm very rich and gullible and know nothing about concrete. He could have said the project cost $50 or $50,000 and either way I would have been like "yeah, that makes sense."

So he showed up on Monday at I want to say 2:00 AM so you won't judge me for the fact that he woke me up by ringing the doorbell at more like 8:30. I wandered out into my front yard, basically in my PJs--booty shorts and the seashell bra Ariel wore before she got legs--yawning and not totally sure what was happening yet.

Contractor man told me they were going to get started. I asked zero questions, got ready for work, and drove off just as they were measuring something and pulling traffic cones out of the GIANT semi truck they had parked on my narrow street.

I guess I hadn't really contemplated how big of a project and how massive of a mess it is to completely tear out concrete steps, concrete flatwork, and part of a thick retaining wall in the middle of someone's front yard.

When I left that morning, my yard looked like this:



When I got back, my yard looked like this:







See how those things are different?

I started having panic attacks when I looked at the uprooted bushes I have babied for several years but Meg swears everything is going to be fine and I always just believe everything Meg says no matter what ever.

The work is supposed to be done this week.

I've been having very awkward and regular interactions with the contractor, 100% of which are 100% my fault. I don't know what's happening to my game but I keep trying to make jokes that sort of make sense in my head but then they come out and I sound like a psychopath. So far I have said the following things to this gruff professional stranger who has to spend a week at my house:

"Looks like you dug a pretty big hole today. I hope you didn't find any dead bodies or poop."

*****

Contractor: I'm going to demolish your concrete this morning so it's going to get pretty noisy.

Eli: Ok, I'll bring the babies in from the car so you don't wake them.

*****

Contractor: The old concrete was in pretty bad shape. The entire underside was just a rocky bottom.

Eli: Rocky bottom? That's what they called me in high school!

*****

Contractor: Could you move your car?

Eli: Why? Is there a baby under it?!


The point is, he probably won't add me on Facebook when this is all over.

~It Just Gets Stranger

11 comments:

  1. I’m a horticulturist and I can tell you in no uncertain terms, workmen have no respect for landscaping. Prepare to buy new bushes to baby.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Why did they need to go that way? I feel like that was unnecessary. I also know nothing about concrete or construction.

    Side note - I am very concerned about the babies that keep "magically" showing up in or around your car.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same with the babies.

      Also: I wish I was your contractor. That is hilarious stuff!

      Delete
  3. As a new Utahn (Utahan? Ute? Heathen?), I feel the anxiety of having the large semi on your narrow street. Every street around here is narrow! Couldn't the founders who built SLC predict larger vehicles would need to use these streets in the future? When we moved in I felt horrible because the moving truck blocked our street for the entire day. And I mean an entire day. Truck arrived at 8:30am and left at 6 pm. But now I have lived here for 3 months and just realize oh we just block every street all the time and everyone just says "jesus take the wheel" and hopes we don't crash into each other when it becomes a one lane road. If you can't tell, I'm still adjusting to living in an area where houses and streets were built before cars were common.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I bet The Perfects are JUDGING.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm reading HP and literally just read that as The Prefects are JUDGING and it made me think of Percy Weasley (who would definitely NOT approve of that yard right now!)

      Delete
  5. I feel like we all need photographic proof of your incredibly stylish pjs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I read too quickly and thought “booty” was “footy” and now we’ll need pics of you in both your booty short pjs and also footy pjs

      Delete
  6. Hey going to be a new Strangerville episode?

    ReplyDelete