Sunday, April 12, 2020

I Made A Sweater

A couple months ago I decided to knit a sweater. I had been avoiding this for a while because every time I looked at a sweater pattern it was like "Hello WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO A LOT OF MATHHHH" and that terrified me, so then I'd just make another scarf or hat.

Then I took on The Scarf That Must Not Be Named, and that thing was so complicated to complete that frankly I probably now have what it takes to solve COVID-19 by tomorrow (but I won't, because busy with TV). So I thought I could maybe take on a sweater.

I found a pattern and showed it to Skylar. It has different stitch counts based on obesity levels and when I measured Skylar he was so small that I actually had to manually alter the pattern because it didn't contemplate someone of his size.

Speaking of, I am growing into my chair during social distancing. It's been four weeks and having zero access to a gym in addition to not even walking around an office, things are getting scary here. We've tried to create a fitness center in our basement using some elastic bands Skylar bought on day one of quarantine but so far the only thing they've done is nearly kill us.

Last week I heard a loud crash and then desperate moaning coming from the basement and I rushed down there assuming it was affairs but instead it was just Skylar and a pull-up bar that he had wrapped elastic bands around and then somehow sling-shot into his abdomen. I nearly became a widow that day, which is unfortunate because his life insurance policy sucks and I'm not even sure if I'm listed as the beneficiary [makes a note to check on that].

Anyway, he's fine. He's more than fine, in fact. Because while you and I have gained the weight of a thousand Titanics, he marched into the living room on Thursday and announced "I've lost 10 pounds somehow" like he was a SlimFast Commercial. Don't worry. I told him to shut up. We have a very healthy relationship.

This morning I was trying to write and he wouldn't stop talking to me so finally I locked him out of the room I've turned into my quarantine office. A few minutes later I heard him standing on the other side of the door humbly singing "do you want to build a snowmaaaan?"

The point is, I decided to make that man who now weighs 41 pounds and apparently knows all of the lyrics to Frozen songs a sweater using a pattern meant for grown obese men.

It was very difficult because the pattern was like "make sleeves and then make a front and back and then sew them together and then audit the taxes of a Fortune 500 company and then place your first born on an altar during a full-moon on a Leap Day while drenched in the blood of an ox's enemy" and do you know how hard it is to find 19th century pioneer blood during a pandemic?

Anyway, I finished the sweater. Don't look too closely because then you might not want to praise me.

I made him pose in various places around the house and the above photo is the only one he said I was allowed to share because apparently he hated all of these:

So I promised not to post them because I respect his 41-pound body. Sorry not sorry my husband is so cute.

And now, please enjoy a story from Jolyn.

This time in Strangerville, Eli steals from children, Meg looks hot on Zoom, and Jolyn takes the Strangerville Live stage to explain why she’s hiding from her neighbors.
Gas Leak, by Jolyn Metro
Production by Eli McCann & Meg Walter

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. Maths aside, having a tiny husband means you don't have to do all of those impossible tasks and also knit 17 miles worth of yarn into a sweater.

    I wouldn't know. My husband won't wear storebought sweaters so he is not getting a handmade one. He does however have size 12 feet and love handknit socks, so he gets handknit socks. And buys pretty yarn I tell him is for handknit socks that take years for me to get to as he nags me about them. Sometimes I forget which yarn is for his socks and it becomes something else. 🤷

    Really nice sweater, though.

    And don't worry about your weight. Apparently us obese people are having better outcomes when it comes to the illness that shall not be named.

  2. That sweater is awesome! Never learned to knit. I did crochet all our kids blessing blankets, but knitting takes more hands and patience than I possess. Kudos to you!

    I shared the “do you want to build a snowman?” story with my 16 year old daughter. Can totally imagine her 14 year old brother doing that when we lock him out-out of patience!
    Happy continued distance socializing.

  3. Dang Eli, I love you and your sweater is amazing... but you do know that you are very lucky, right?
    Skyler is adorable. You probably better build a snowman with him! (not that we know what that means, Cathe)

    1. ...have I been using that phrase wrong this entire time?

    2. Probably not, just wanted to be about to say, "not that we know what that means..."

      Plus, when you have a hot spouse, anything can be suggestive if you try hard enough!

  4. Your sweater is perfect but your spelling not so much. It’s altar not alter. Alter is what you did to the pattern.

  5. I get that you're very busy with TV, as we all are, but if you could solve this covid-19 thing by like June, we would still throw parades for you in every major city and many small towns.

  6. That sweater is amazing. Please never ever put it in the drier.

  7. Holy cow that is amazing. I am doing all the honey do items on my list that I have never had time to do including setting up my new home office. I have finished two quilts, painted three rooms, baked bread, churned butter, milked the cow and slopped hogs. ok -maybe not the cow and hogs but still pretty close.

  8. Not fair. I've been knitting for 20+ years and haven't managed a sweater yet.