About Stranger

Author: Eli McCann
Attorney who just moved to Salt Lake City from the equatorial Pacific. 
Lover of satire, hater of winter, terrible at sleeping.

 
I was born in the '80s and I've been in recovery ever since. Sometime around 1991 I punched Simon Jones in the face during recess and then hid in the boys bathroom, believing that Ms. Becksted couldn't come in there after me. I was wrong. I spent the next day in the principal's office concocting a story about how I had been ganged up on by a group of wild kids, led by my best friend Davy Brown, who, for reasons I still don't understand, admitted guilt when confronted. Seeing how exaggeration and manipulation could get me out of mounds of trouble has since had a long-lasting effect on my story-telling.

By 1998 I was a sufficiently awkward adolescent. Fourteen years old but still 15 years away from starting puberty (I hope!). For the past several years I have stormed every legislative session in the state of Utah, demanding a bill that will require all individuals who possess pictures of me from 1998 to 2006 to turn them in for destruction. This, I believe, would benefit society as a whole because it would eliminate from existence all evidence of me running cross-country (the world's most popular spectator "sport") in short-shorts and braces. Also, it would prevent any unintentional exposure to the 1998 bowl-cut or subsequent middle part.

In 2003 I moved to Ukraine for two years to get cancer in Chernobyl serve a Mormon mission. While in Ukraine I was beat up severely, chased by people toting weapons, and stripped of an organ. I still love Ukraine and I visit my friends there as often as I can, but avoid the country during the bitter Ukrainian winter months (September through July).

Upon returning from Ukraine I attended BYU in Provo, expecting that I was too sarcastic to ever really fit in. But my time there was just fine. The people were nice (and a little crazy) and Provo had a Cafe Rio, so I didn't really have much to complain about. For that reason, I stayed for another three years to complete law school where I learned how to sleep with my eyes open.

Following law school I moved to the beautiful Salt Lake City for a one-year judicial clerkship with a great judge. While in Salt Lake City I could be seen from time to time doing any of the following:

1. Complaining about winter.
2. Advocating for the proper treatment of cats on Capitol Hill.
3. Petting cats.
4. Dancing like this: (imagine me dancing in a way that makes you want to hang out with me)
5. Looking out windows with my fist at my chin, dreaming.

While I loved Salt Lake City and will always consider it "home," I left it in October 2012, when my clerkship ended, and set off on a new adventure in a gorgeous island nation called The Republic of Palau, which is buried deep in the quiet Pacific. There I worked in a challenging, yet exciting, job as counsel for the Supreme Court of Palau for one year. It was hot and I gained and lost 30 pounds, like, 60 times. I returned to Salt Lake City in September 2013 to work for a law firm and feel like a grown up for the first time in my life.

I began blogging in 2007. By late 2011 I had built up my blog readership to two (Bob and Cathie, who were mostly just reading to make sure I wasn't writing anything about how they ruined my childhood). In December 2011, the Snuggie Texts post brought in tens of thousands of new readers and caused me to give birth to five perfect children, which I blog about when I'm not too busy soaking up all of their achievements. Writing for the ever growing Stranger community has brought a lot of excitement to my life, which is good, because prior to this all I had was my plant. And that relationship hasn't been fulfilling for a long time.

I am likely to die soon from an unforeseen accident, but plan to hold out until the day I meet Paul Simon. I will not leave this world until we've gazed into one another's eyes. I firmly believe that Paul Simon should be in charge of everything in the world and that we should all stop procreating on our own and instead just clone Paul Simon as fast as is technologically and genetically possible. I cannot be talked out of this.

I love traveling to unpopular places and then complaining about them.

My best friends are found in the animals tab.

My worst enemies are found in the animals tab.

And above all else, I love the strange.


Stranger Staff

Jolyn Metro (left): Promotion, on demand crying, willing to trample anyone's happiness in order to play a joke on them.

Jen Lee (right): Blog design, Canadian, cat herder, pretty good at jazz hands, Stranger's ignored conscience.

Richard Simmons (middle): Inspiration, but otherwise failing to pull his weight. (Pun intended).