Doctor: So I understand you have had some new episodes.

Eli: It sounds so dramatic when you say it in that voice!

Doctor: Well your heart started racing and you got light-headed and fainted. That's pretty dramatic.

Eli: I'm sorry. Did you say something? I'm having a hard time focusing because I keep saying over and over in my mind "don't take your pants off until they ask you to!"

Doctor: I want to run an EKG.

Eli: Come again?

Doctor: An EKG.

Eli: No thank you. I've already had breakfast.

Doctor: An EKG isn't food.

Eli: Well then why did you offer me some?

Doctor: An EKG tests how your heart is running.

Eli: Well back in my day we just used a stethoscope for that.

Doctor: I totally forgot how difficult you were last year until just right now.

Eli: Oh my gosh thank you!

[EKG is performed. As it turns out, it really is NOT food.]

Doctor: Your EKG results are abnormal.

Eli: Ok.

Doctor: Why are you taking your pants off?


Doctor: Well right now I just need you to keep your pants on and try to focus on the words I'm saying.

Eli: You know, I find it offensive when I go see a medical professional and they don't tell me to take my clothes off because they totally could if they wanted to so if they don't have me disrobe it just means that they don't want to see me naked. And that's rude.

Doctor: I think it's a very good thing you did not decide to be a doctor.

Eli: So what's wrong with my EKG? Besides the fact that it's not food.

Doctor: Well the blah blah blah blah blah looks like blah blah blah blah . . .

Eli: Oh my gosh. So boring. Why do you sound like the Charlie Brown teacher right now?

Doctor: I'm sorry that your health is boring you.

Eli: Can't you just dumb it down for me?

Doctor: Your results equal frowny face.

Eli: So I'm dying right away?

Doctor: No. I didn't say that.

Eli: Oh, so everything is fine. PRAISE THE LORD! [Eli stands up and starts gathering his things to leave]

Doctor: What about anything that I've said today has led you to believe that everything is fine?

Eli: Ugh. Ok. What are you trying to tell me?

Doctor: I'm trying to tell you that I'm concerned about your EKG and that I want to run some extra tests to find out what's going on before you go and kill yourself in the Ironman in less than three weeks.

Eli: So I should probably stop exercising and quit my job?

Doctor: What? No. I want you to wear this heart monitor for 10 days and then when you come back we are going to do some stress tests.

Eli: Honey, my life is a stress test. The things I could tell you . . .

Doctor: I'm not your therapist. I have no interest in hearing any more information on that topic.

Eli: Fine. But you are missing out because it is truly a Telenovela.

Doctor: I'm sure. Now wear this incredibly intrusive device at all times for the next 10 days and exercise normally. We'll talk again next week.

Eli: Ok. And do you have any more EKG? I am actually starting to get a little hungry.

Doctor: Sigh.

~It Just Gets Stranger