Alii, dear strangers. First, an update on the Stormtrooper/Vehicle of Despair. That thing that I mentioned might happen--the thing that would undoubtedly lead to my death--well it happened. The fourth window stopped working. You know that scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail when King Arthur finds that knight and chops each of his limbs off one by one until he's just a torso and head? Well that's basically exactly what happened with the Stormtrooper. Except instead of arms and legs getting chopped off, it was automatic windows that stopped working, one by one. Also, less blood.
Guys, I don't even know how to explain to you what that moment was like when we realized that the fourth window had finally given up the ghost. We casually walked to the car, talking about some important thing, like whether it would even be possible to, without the person's knowledge, perform a surgery on them where you loop the large intestine back up to the throat. We climbed into the Stormtrooper. It was exactly 195 degrees inside that vehicle. We gasped for air as Daniel started the engine. I reached over to push the automatic-window button on the passenger's door, the only window that could still roll down. And, nothing happened.
Our pleasant conversation then turned to this:
Well? Roll down the window.
I can't. [Trying again] I can't! [Trying again more panickingly] I CAN'T! HOLY HELL THIS IS IT WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
NO ELI!!! Open the damn window!!! OPEN IT!!! IT HAS TO OPEN!!! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!!
I'M PUSHING THE BUTTON AND IT'S NOT DOING ANYTHING!!!
SO HOT! LOSING . . . CONSCIOUS . . . NESS . . .
DANIEL, I THINK THIS REALLY MIGHT BE IT!!! I CHEATED ON MY 4th GRADE S.A.T.S! ONE TIME I STOLE BUBBLE GUM FROM A GROCERY STORE! I PEED INTO A SINK AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE ONCE BECAUSE THE TOILET LOOKED QUESTIONABLE AND I REALLY HAD TO GO!!!
Wait. Seriously? You really did that?
Did what?
You peed into someone's sink? Like some kind of animal?
It was years and years ago. And a total emergency. Oh, actually I've done it twice. Two different places. Maybe more . . . I'm not really sure. BUT WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS CAR!?!?!
Wait, do you ever pee into the sink at our house?
NOW'S NOT THE TIME, DANIEL! THE HEAT! THE WINDOWS! DEATH!
If you are peeing into the sink at our house, I'm not sure I want to survive this car ride.
Anyway, riding in a shut vehicle in Palau without airflow during the middle of a sunny afternoon is every bit as terrible as one might imagine. Within minutes we discovered the only thing we could do to bring relief: drive with the doors open.
The hard thing about driving with the doors open is fighting the wind resistance that pushes against the door from the other side. It's quite the arm workout.
The door-open-driving went on for a couple of days before an exasperated Daniel burst into my office and told me he almost fell out of a moving vehicle.
I almost fell out of a moving vehicle.
What? Who's vehicle? Were you delivering newspapers?
The Stormtrooper. Our vehicle. I almost fell out of it!
Weren't you . . . driving it?
I was driving with the door open and I took a sharp left turn going up a hill and the door swung open while I was holding on and pulled me half-way out of the vehicle!
I listened to this story, even though it was completely ridiculous.
Daniel, I've never heard of someone falling out of the car while driving it. I didn't think that could happen? I thought only passengers could fall out.
I know. [And he said this next part like the world was changing in a bad way and things could never be the same for us] Eli, I think we might have to start wearing seat belts.
Ok, first of all, I know. Gasp. We weren't already wearing seat belts. I'm practically a felon now in the U.S. That's probably why I moved to Palau. But in our defense it's not really a rule down here, and the speed limits are really slow, and it's really hot and stuff.
But guys. Now that the Stormtrooper's windows have stopped working and we have to drive with the doors open, we feel like we have to wear seat belts. I'm cool with wearing a seat belt. But I want it to be my choice. I don't want it to be because I have to in order to stay alive.
I mean, I guess most people wear seat belts so they don't fly through the windshield in a car accident. But we wear seat belts now so we don't fall out of the car on sharp turns because we're holding the doors open. That's what I find unacceptable.
And, fyi, driving with the doors open only cools the vehicle down about 2%. Yesterday I needed to drive 4 miles from my apartment to the Mormon church building for a meeting that happened to take place during the very hottest part of the day. Daniel didn't have to go to this meeting so I was completely alone and thus only able to drive with one door slightly ajar. I cried the entire way. Not tears of heat exhaustion. Tears of despair. I cried hot tears of despair. When I got out of the car, I looked down and my khakis were totally and completely wet. My pants were wet! All the way down to my shoes! My shins had perspired so much that it actually seeped through my pants. It looked like I had peed everywhere. But not in the sink. Apparently "that's unsanitary."
Guys, this is not an ok way to live. I don't mean to be insensitive and I know there are bigger problems in the world than sweaty shins. But that doesn't mean that this is an ok way to live. It just means that anyone who has bigger problems than sweaty shins is living in a way that is even less of an ok way to live. People who have smaller problems than sweaty shins, but nonetheless complain about it, are totally out of line though and need a serious reality check.
And having to wear seat belts is only the second worst thing that is happening in my Palaun life right now. The first worst thing is that my apartment smells like a rotting corpse and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. Especially ever since we got rid of the rotting corpse.
Because of the humidity and heat, everything seems a little damp all the time. And I sweat through my clothes within seconds of putting them on. It's like the outside of my body is a water park. Except no toddlers in swollen diapers. But the same amount of foot disease sharing, unfortunately. The constant sweating is not helping the smell situation in the apartment. It smells exactly like your little brother. Except he has a flesh-eating disease and halitosis.
Sorry about your brother, by the way. I should send flowers. I apologize if they seem sweaty when they get there.
Anyway, we bought two cans of extra-strength Febreze and emptied them onto every stitch of fabric in the apartment, opened all the windows, lit 2 candles, and then performed an exorcism for good measure. And after that the apartment didn't smell good. But it didn't smell bad either. It just sort of became neutral, which I can totally live with.
The neutrality lasted for 12 hours before the smell returned with a fierce vengeance and was worse than ever.
And now you are all totally excited to come visit me. I'll pick you up from the airport in the vehicle of despair and if you're still alive by the time we get to the rotting corpse apartment, you can help me perform another exorcism while I pee into the sink.
~It Just Gets Stranger
Seat Belts & Rotting Bodies
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