Right before lunch today I got the mass text that "fresh" produce had graced the land of Palau.

12 seconds later I was walking down the street toward the grocery store at a brisk pace when the Stormtrooper zoomed by with Daniel at the wheel, looking like a 6 foot 6 version of the wicked witch of the west on her bike. He has stopped "wasting time" picking me up when such text messages are received. I found him at the store about 10 minutes later, his arms full of half-rotted onions, peppers, and garlic, a look on his face like he just won the lottery and he didn't know who to thank first.

What has become of my life?

I got a bottle of water and then asked Daniel to drive me back to the courthouse. During the course of the 3 minute drive I opened the bottle and spilled water ALL over my lap. And magically, it went in exactly all the right spots it needed to in order to look like I peed my pants.

Ever the beacon of support, Daniel did exactly what any good friend would do.

Daniel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! [Pointing] You peed your pants!!! You TOTALLY peed your pants!!!! Everyone is going to laugh at you!!!

Bad: when your friends point and laugh at you.

Worse: when your friends who like their popcorn soggy and eat contaminated eggs point and laugh at you.

So then I did that thing where you try to spill more water on yourself intentionally and in places where pee wouldn't go if you really did pee your pants so that people will just think you spilled water on yourself. But after doing this it just made the wet spot bigger, like I peed my pants while lying down and rolling in it.

So then I spilled water on a part of my pants that wasn't connected to the wet spot in the crotch area so it would be clear that I had something spilled on me. But then it just looked like I peed my pants and then tried to do that thing where I intentionally spill water on myself to make it look like I didn't really pee my pants.

Wait. You guys haven't ever tried that? Yeah, me neither. Who would do such a stupid thing?

Anyway, this whole experience was really traumatic because it gave me flashbacks of when I VERY recently actually peed my pants and then spent the next hour hiding in the jungle, texting Daniel to come and get me and help me get out of having to give a presentation to a group of people. This is still too recent for me to want to give any more details. But I just want to say: I'm aware that males between the ages of 8 and 75 have absolutely no good excuse for peeing their pants. Just know, my circumstances were special.

Oh what the hey. You twisted my arm. I'll tell you more. So I was at the church for a youth night and there's this garden behind the church building and I didn't know where the bathroom was because I was still pretty new and I had to pee so bad and it was dark out so I decided I could just pee in the garden but right after I started someone pulled up in a car and the headlights shined on me so I tried to hide and in the process I completely peed my pants.

And I can't tell whether that last paragraph is going to incite you to keep reading Stranger, or get you to remove me from your feed. (Whatever that is!)

Anyway, after spilling water on my pants in the car today, I didn't want to have to go all the way home to change. Then I remembered that I have six pairs of pants, most of which belong to me, in my office right now. This is because I bring running clothes to work every day so I can change in my office and run home. The problem, which today is my blessing, is that I end up with stacks of clothing in my office that never quite make it home.

Daniel assured me that I would probably not run into anybody on my short walk from the car to my office. And this sounded right, since most people would be out at lunch.


It was like they were all waiting for me. I swear the entire population of Palau lined the path from the Stormtrooper to my office. It felt like running down the final stretch of the Ironman. Not that I know what that's like.

I tried to place things in front of the "pee zone" in order to block the area. But instead, this very unnatural place to hold my water bottle only drew attention to it, and I got concerned looks from all 17 people who live in Palau as a result.

I guess the good thing about embarrassing myself repeatedly in front of the whole country is that eventually there won't be any social expectations for me. Right?

~It Just Gets Stranger