Last night I was forced to watch "The Hobbit." I did not then, nor do I now, have any idea what was happening in that movie.
Eli: Wait just one damn minute. How old is Dumbledore?
Daniel: . . . In Harry Potter?
Eli: No. I know how old he is in Harry Potter. How old is he in this?
Daniel: He's not in this.
Eli: Ok Daniel (condescendingly). And I guess THAT guy right there with the giant beard is Santa Clause?
Daniel: That's Gandalf.
Eli: Same thing. Anyway, how old is he?
Daniel: I don't know. Old. Like hundreds of years.
Eli: REALLY!? He looks very good for his age.
Daniel: No he doesn't. He looks old.
Eli: Most people who are that old don't look like that.
Daniel: Nobody is that old. Everyone dies before they get that old.
Eli: Exactly.
Daniel: SHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
***30 minutes later***
Eli: Why is Dumbledore so huge?
Daniel: He's not.
Eli: He looks pretty big compared to the other people.
Daniel: That's because the other people are small.
Eli: Well that seems pretty egotistical of you.
Daniel: Huh?
Eli: Most of those people are not big like Dumbledore. He is above average in size. And yet you STILL consider his size the norm and you call all of the other people small. Typical tall person arrogance . . .
Daniel: Would you shut up and watch the movie.
***30 minutes later***
Eli: Who's that?
Daniel: Who?
Eli: That guy.
Daniel: Blah blah blah [says some name I don't care about and didn't listen to]! THE MAIN CHARACTER!
Eli: No. He appeared nowhere within the first 90 minutes.
Daniel: HE APPEARED IN ALL 90 OF THE FIRST 90 MINUTES!!!
Eli: OK Daniel. Whatever you say. [condescendingly]
Daniel: ARE YOU EVEN WATCHING THIS?!
Eli: YES. BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON BECAUSE IT'S NOT IN ENGLISH!
***30 minutes later***
Eli: Ok. I figured it out.
Daniel: Figured what out?
Eli: The whole movie.
Daniel: Ugh.
Eli: So. The trolls are Australia, those big guys are Ireland, the ones with pointy ears are Switzerland, the huge Wizards are Denmark, and the average sized people are Canada.
Daniel: What the . . .
Eli: And the fairies are . . . probably France or something.
Daniel: There aren't fairies in this.
Eli: Don't try to ruin this for me. I've finally made sense of this whole mess.
Daniel: No. No you have not.
***30 minutes later***
Eli: Why is that guy that you claimed was in the first 90 minutes now invisible?
Daniel: Because he's wearing the ring.
Eli: What ring?
Daniel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
***An infinite amount of time passes. The movie ends.***
Eli: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!? THAT'S THE END?!?!?
Daniel: Yes.
Eli: I JUST WATCHED A 14 HOUR MOVIE AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN COME TO A RESOLUTION?!?!?
Daniel: This was part I of a three part series.
Eli: THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE 2 MORE OF THESE!?!?
***20 minutes later***
Eli: So what is a "hobbit" anyway? And was there one in that film?
Daniel: There should be a special hospital for you.
Eli: YEAH! Then I could make friends with other people who have my special skills!
Daniel: No. Not a hospital for people like you. A special hospital just for you.
~It Just Gets Stranger
What is a Hobbit?
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