Ants. Everywhere. And I know what you're thinking. We are NOT dirty people. And yes, I have been working out. Thanks for the kind thoughts. I'm totally blushing.

Our apartment is clean! Sure we leave crumbs out all over the floor and we don't put food away and we leave all of our windows and doors open most of the time, but otherwise, we are very clean and orderly. We cannot figure out for the life of us why we suddenly have so many ants in the apartment.

They started appearing about two weeks ago and they march in lines all over the place. Up walls. Across the ceiling. In the bathroom. In the kitchen. A few days ago I spent the better part of an hour killing them with my bare hands.

And I'm not going to lie; it was empowering. And I feel like I got a taste for it and now it's basically all I want to do all day.

In response to all of the ant-advocate hate mail that will be flooding my inbox tomorrow: I kill ants. And I'm proud of it. NOT ALL THINGS DESERVE TO LIVE. Take the television program "Glee" for example.

We have some ant killer spray but someone hasn't let me use it recently because "IT'S NOT A TOY AND IT'S NOT FUNNY WHEN YOU SPRAY PEOPLE IN THE FACE WITH IT!"

Seriously. Daniel needs to go to "take a joke" school. He's still upset over that whole pushing him down the stairs while he was holding a knife thing. I didn't invent April Fool's Day, Daniel.

Last night the ant situation got so bad that I was finally permitted to undertake fumigation duties, but only after a very strict set of rules were communicated at me. Then Daniel went into his bedroom and shut the door.

I sprayed around the edges of the front door and in one place in the bathroom in hopes that I caught the entry points of the ants. Then I went to Daniel's bedroom and the following conversation happened.

Eli: Let it be known that the Great Ant Genocide of 2013 has begun. And you HAVE to hear this one! H--

Daniel: Wait. Where did you spray?

Eli: I just sprayed all of the places where we least want ants to dwell.

Daniel: Well I guess that's good. And did you air things out?

Eli: As well as I could. It's hard to air out the inside of the cupboards and pantry.

Daniel: WHY WOULD THOSE PLACES NEED TO BE AIRED OUT?!

Eli: Because I opened the pantry and cupboards and just sprayed the ant killer all over all of our food. That way they can't get into it and ruin everything.

Daniel: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU! HOW CAN A GROWN MAN MAKE THE CHOICES THAT YOU MAKE! SOMETIMES I WONDER IF--

Eli: Jeez. Calm down Mr. Crankypants. I'm just kidding.

Daniel: ARE YOU?!

Eli: Yes. I didn't spray the food down.

Daniel: Eli, this isn't one of those things where it's better not to get caught. I need you to just be really honest with me. I won't be mad. Did you spray inside the cupboards?

Eli: You "promise" you won't be mad?! You just yelled at me!

Daniel: FINE. I WILL BE MAD. DID YOU SPRAY INSIDE THE CUPBOARDS?!

Eli: NO. What kind of a person do you think I am?!

Daniel: Well . . . I know you're smart. But sometimes I worry about your life choices and I don't always have faith in your street smarts.

Eli: Well EXCUSE ME Mr. I think it's ok to leave deviled eggs in the car for five hours on a hot day and then serve them to other people!

Daniel: Well excuse ME Mr. I think the best way to make it look like I haven't wet myself is to splash more water on my pants to "cover up" [finger quotes] the wet spots!

Eli: Ok, Mr. let's pour applesauce over baked chicken and serve it to the guests we've invited over for dinner because it looks gourmet!

Daniel: Right after you, Mr. I found out that eggs aren't a dairy product when I was TWENTY-THREE years old!

Eli: Well at least I didn't sign up for a laser hair removal treatment thinking it was going to be a full body massage!

Daniel: At least I don't get naked for full body massages when I'm supposed to be clothed!

[30 seconds of silence]

Daniel: We're not stupid people, are we?

Eli: I don't think so.

Daniel: Smart people have the occasional lapse in judgment, right?

Eli: I'm sure they do. We do a lot of things right, too.

I went to bed after that, satisfied that we had resolved our initial dispute, whatever it was. The next morning I heard Daniel scream from the kitchen,

Daniel: MY CEREAL TASTES LIKE ANT KILLER!

Eli: It does not! You're being paranoid!

Daniel: If I die, I'm going to kill you!

Eli: Oh you're welcome, by the way, for killing all of the ants!

Daniel: And at what cost!?

Eli: Hey, I just remembered what I came into your room to tell you last night! How many ants can live in an apartment?!

Daniel: No.

Eli: TENANTS!!!! HAHAHAHA! GET IT!? TEN ANTS!!! BUT IT'S THE WORD "TENANTS" AND--

Daniel: I need to move off of this island. Your jokes are starting to become funny to me.

~It Just Gets Stranger