A Stranger (David) emailed me a while back suggesting that I mess with a wedding planner. In the middle of my attempts, another Stranger (Jess) requested the same, directing me to a pretentious wedding planner with whom she had recently been in contact. I scouted out a few others online and attempted some different things. Most of them wouldn't take the bait. But a couple turned out nicely. Here's one of them:
To: Wedding Planner
From: June Snapple
Subject: Most Beautiful Wedding EVS!
I'm looking to plan a wedding but need SO much help because the bride is being BRIDEZILLA to the extreme and she won't listen to me anymore and I'm like just trying to do whatever I can to make it so that she has the wedding of my dreams because I probably won't ever have the wedding of my dreams and I don't even know where to start anymore. Do you do real weddings or just weddings in movies and birthday parties and stuff?
To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!
June, we do real weddings. we are in the busy season now and have limited availability but would be happy to give a consultation and find out if we would be a good fit. What wedding date are you looking at lets start there?
To: Wedding Planner
From: June Snapple
Subject: Most Beautiful Wedding EVS!
I guess we can do it whenevs. I was hoping for this weekend because I think the couple has been a little hanky panky (IYKWIM) recently and I'm really worried about them waiting any longer (I'm the bride's mother and basically the groom's adopted mother even though not legally and they both typically sleep at my house and it's just a really bad situation).
To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!
June, we are very limited on what we would be able to do in such a short timeframe. Some of it depends on what you hope to plan. We could help you schedule venue and could assist with food and decoration depending on what you want and how much time we have. If you could provide more detail, we could go from there.
To: Wedding Planner
From: June Snapple
Subject: Most Beautiful Wedding EVS!
Ok but I'll just give you the Reader's Digest version for now because this story is DRAMA!
So my daughter met the boy toy about three weeks ago and of course, like animals, they couldn't keep their paws off of each other. The boyfriend was homeless and I've got too big a heart to let that go on. So I was all like, "you can live here but no funny business!" The next thing I know he's got a bunch of other "lady friends" showing up around my place and leaving their pheromones all over everything while still making googly eyes at my daughter. So I finally just had it yesterday and I was like "GET MARRIED OR GET OUT." Because I'm not putting up with the immorality anymore and I think marriage will really help everyone involved settle down. What do they think this is? Gone with the Wind?
To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!
Wow that is not at all what i meant. I meant that you could provide more detail about the wedding, guest count, venue, date, and etc. Anyways though it sounds like a tough situation and i don't know if the wedding will happen under the circumstances you described anyway.
To: Wedding Planner
From: June Snapple
Subject: Most Beautiful Wedding EVS!
OMG I'M SO EMBARRASSED! I thought you wanted to know about the love story! I didn't realize this was all business!
We definitely want all of their friends to come. Probably 60 or 70. A lot of them live at my house, which is where we want to do the wedding, the reception, the wedding shower, and we would also be interested in having a winter equinox party here in a few months if you wouldn't mind maintaining the property until then.
The main thing that I have a SUPER strong opinion about is the wedding dress. I want something that says "sizzle" but still leaves some details to the imagination. Sexy. But not too sexy. This isn't Julie Andrews's wedding.
I'm SO excited to have you plan and officiate the wedding! I made a bunch of fliers announcing that you're doing it and I've been passing them around the neighborhood and posting them up and people seem so jealous.
To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!
June if your even serious we absolutely did not agree to plan the wedding and we don't officiate weddings anyway. Please do not pass around any more fliers. I really don't think we are a good fit for you. Good luck on the wedding.
To: Wedding Planner
From: June Snapple
Subject: Most Beautiful Wedding EVS!
You work on commission, right?
Big mistake. HUGE.
To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!
no. thank you. good luck.
To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!
My daughter, Trixy Meowman (AKA "catzilla") and Mr. Biggles will just have to take their business elsewhere.
To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!
Why am i not surprised that your daughter is a cat?
To: Wedding Planner
From: Trixy Meowman
Subject: 0oiyha=[qw['aio
;oijhyjhdf56we4a3aw5tc
To: Trixy Meowman
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: 0oiyha=[qw['aio
Hi trixy. your mom is crazy. good luck with mr. biggles.
~It Just Gets Stranger