Please enjoy the below email exchange I had with an avid fan recently:
From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Pathetic
Eli I wanted to let you know that I think your writing is really terrible and I wish you the best I really do but you are obviusley trying to confiscate for something the way you lie and tell things that arent true and I think you are doing a lot of harm to people by your liberal ways. I wish you the best I really do but I just hope that you get hurt and you cant use your hands anymore because then we wont have to read your lies anymore. Larry
To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Dear Larry,
I think the most helpful thing you could do right now to protect people from my liberal ways and lies would be to start a counter blog. Perhaps you could call it "You Can't Spell Lie Without Eli." Or something else. You seem clever and I bet you could come up with a name. I think this site would help protect people from relying on all of the very harmful advice I give and I'm certain it would be popular. You could probably even make money off of it and hire employees to help with the fact checking. Speaking of which, are you hiring? I feel that I'm perfectly suited to help with the fact checking considering that I am the person who is being fact checked and I know myself super well thanks to lots of therapy and the amount of time I spend in front of the mirror every morning saying things like, "you got it, dude" and "you are so pretty."
Sincerely yours forever,
Eli
From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Do you think I even have time to write a blog only loosers write blogs. And your email is another proof that you are arrested in development because you are constantly self defecating in your writing. good luck brother. You need it.
To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Dear Larry,
I feel like I need to correct you here; I used to be self defecating, but I stopped doing that by like the Eighth grade and by the time I finished high school, nobody in my graduating class even knew about it. Mostly because my family had moved to another school district by then, but still.
And the self defecation wasn't even my fault. I lived on a farm growing up and all we ate was field grass and pop rocks candy (because we knew how to have fun back then without sexting) and as you know, Missouri field grass is nature's most powerful laxative and is literally illegal in over 1,200 countries. As you can imagine, riding the bus to school after that kind of breakfast forced a lesson in self control that no child should ever have to experience. As a result of my failures in this area, I literally only had one friend during the years of 1972 - 1995, during which I was in fourth through seventh grades and that was the bus driver. Then, as you know, the government killed him like it did all of the bus drivers and forest service rangers at that time and replaced him with self-driving buses and if you've ever tried to make a computer your best friend, you know how quickly some very confusing romantic tension can develop.
Yours in the eternities,
Eli
From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Lies. Do you see how pathetic you are that when someone emails you abuot lies you don't even stop but you just say more lies? I bet you don't even know what is true anymore and the saddest thing is that your hole life probably wont even have a single friend not even a computer because who would want to be friends with you. I bet the people you talk about on your "blog" aren't even real if you had to prove it you couldnt produce one single one of them.
To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Ok, Larry. Up to this point I've been immune to your attacks, but putting the word "blog" in quotes has wounded me to my very core. Take it back.
Also, I'll have you know, I am exceptionally popular. To prove it, I have actually asked all of my friends to gather for a photo that they each authorized I use to fend off future attacks on my ability to win friends and influence people. The photo is attached.
From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
oh and let me guess thats you on the stage and all of your friends are cheering for you. you are so pathetic.
To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Gosh, no. That's Oprah Winfrey. She's my warm up act. I don't know what your friendships are like, but mine mostly consist of people adoring me while I stand on stage and nod at them knowingly. Sometimes I even show skin because sex sells.
From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Don't you dare talk about my friends you don't know a single one of my friends and I know I have more than you could ever imagine having because at least I'm honest. I swear if I had your number I would call you right now and give you a peace of my mind.
To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Larry, that is a phenomenally good idea. Would you please give me a call at your earliest convenience so we can discuss this mano a mano, but telephonically? My number is 801.484.7311.
From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
You coward that is the number to Walmart. If you were a real man you would give me your real number.
To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
My goodness, Larry. I gave you my work number because I'm working a double shift right now. Did you even ask for me? I'm actually the manager and I go by a different name at work because I try to keep my life compartmentalized for legal reasons. So call back and just ask to speak to the manager and they'll come get me.
From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Nice try. That wasn't you. I bet you don't even work at Walmart. You probably don't even have a job.
To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Well now you've said two offensive things. Fortunately for me, this one is also easily refuted. Please see the attached photo.
From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
Nice try moron. Go back to your terrible writing. I'm done. I'm probably not even going to read it anymore. You just lost a pressious reader. I hope your happy about that.
To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic
I need to go anyway, Larry. I just spent the last hour snacking on a barrel of wheat grass. Twice up it, and once down the side.
~It Just Gets Stranger